Kneel Before Zod!

Ask me what I remember about Superman 2? Ask me!!! General Zod, Ursa, and Non. Fuck the rest of the movie. I know that people love Christopher Reeves as The Man Of Steel and the director Richard Donner and all that jazz. But for me the best parts of the movie involved three aliens that had all of the hero’s powers doing nothing but wrecking shit. Because, honestly. That is exactly what you would do if you had as much power as the strongest guy on Earth.

When I was little I liked Superman because of his powers. I didn’t like the character himself. So imagine my surprise when I am ready to watch a crumby Superman movie and all of a sudden these three lunatics show up. I love how they show up and they’re just like “Everything on this planet sucks. Let’s hurt it.”

They beat up hillbillies just for funsies. Burn snakes because, well, no humans were nearby. These three were the nightmare of every Black person on the planet.

"Aw, hell naw!"

Besides their leader General Zod there is Ursa. Knowing nothing about these characters history and not really caring to do any real research, she is mean for no reason. This crazy bitch is so evil that at one point Superman hauls back to clock her. He didn’t even try to punch Lois Lane and she is punchable every time she is on screen. Go and watch a scene with her. See? You totally just punched your screen, didn’t you? Learn some impulse control, you maniac. Allegedly she is a “consort.” That means she gets paid a lot to have sex, doesn’t it?

Totally caught looking at her ass.

Then there is Non. I had to look this guy up because all’s I would’ve written was “He strong.” Dude used to be a scientist but got lobotomized and he is now dumb. I love the way this big crazy bastard looks. Look at him with that rocket. He just took it like “I feel like chicken tonight!” Fully aware that sentence made no sense. I would love to have a guy like this on my team even though he’s a complete glass licker.

They should’ve been able to beat Superman. I mean, they have all of his powers and there’s three of them. But eventually he is able to send them all back to The Phantom Zone which looks like a bad 80’s album cover. There are worse places to be trapped than a mirror with Ursa. She’d be kneeling before Zod alright. Know what I’m saying…?