1. Watching TV Together.
There used to be a time when there was only one television in the house. Two if you were a baller or had parents that didn’t want to see your dumb ass more than they had to. In my family growing up we had two TV’s. Then three. Then four! What this meant was that we didn’t have to talk to each other.
There were times when everyone would gather. Usually because my parents had the cable in their room and the internet didn’t exist so we couldn’t just watch it wherever we wanted. Certain shows like The Cosby Show, In Living Color, and Martin were funnier when you could watch with your family. Kids nowadays can watch shows in their hands on their cell phones.
2. Talking To Friends.
The definition of “talking” has changed dramatically since I was little. Like I’ve mentioned countless times, I do not own a cell phone. People say they have “talked” to me when they actually mean they have instant messaged me. Talking is when you can hear each other’s voice. Now it means just communicating in any sense, even one sentence every few hours count as talking now!
Talking to your friends used to be this amazing privilege. I would be on the phone and my mother would pick up the other one and shout for me to get off. I felt like a grown ass man when I got my own phone when I was 16. Now there are elementary students with phones because their parents know that kids these days cant be trusted to survive school without doing stupid shit.
The best part about not being in contact with friends 100% of the day meant that when you actually, god forbid, hung out in person, you had new things to talk about. This is what I imagine conversations with teens would be like if I were one.
Teen: “Hey, Dante! Remember that part of the movie when…?”
Me: “Yes, I do. Because you were texting it to me and everyone else when it was happening.”
3. Checking Car Alarms.
The first person I ever knew to have a car alarm was my older brother Kevin. I mean, wow. If someone touched your car or got to close it would make that familiar old sound and everyone in the neighborhood would come out to see who the hell was stealing a vehicle!
Now when an alarm goes off for more than a few seconds we go “What asshole is not turning their alarm off?!” Everyone has one so when one goes off we just wait for it to shut up. When is the last time you heard a car alarm you knew wasn’t yours and you checked to see if a car was being stolen? Exactly.
4. Reruns.
There used to be a point where if you missed a TV show, then damn it, you just missed a TV show. You’d go to school the next day and have to hear everyone talking about how good something was and felt all left out. You didn’t even tell people not to spoil it because you knew your ass wouldn’t get to see it until next year if you were lucky.
How often do you even see reruns now? It seems that today when a series is done for the season a new show pops up to replace it or you’re told to go online and watch it whenever the hell you want. That’s cool, but it doesn’t bring that sense of urgency I used to have when a show I really liked was coming on.
5. Making Fun Of Each Other.
There used to be a time when I was little that you could tease a kid without worrying about them jumping from a rooftop or shooting the fuck out of the school. There are a lot of kids that get made fun of. Almost everyone I know got made fun of including me (for being short, fat, short and fat, my voice, my hair, my glasses, my teeth).
As you can see I outgrew all that shit. We all do. Well…not everyone. Which is why it pays to have a sense of humor or know how to throw them ‘bows. Make fun of kids now and you have to deal with their parents or end up at a candle light vigil because they offed themselves.
6. Old Ass Teachers.
This is a picture of Debra Lafave who had sex with a student years ago. I never had a teacher that looked like this. Ever. I had some cute ones like Ms. Stewart who looked like Phylicia Rashad and my art teacher Laurie in junior high but that was about it. I never had a teacher that was a fucking sex kitten. I had Ms. Webb and her melted fingertips.
Most of my teachers were old. Like in their 60’s but looked like they were in their 80’s. I swear if any of them ever made a move on me I would start crying like I was burned. I wanted the teachers I liked to date me even though I knew it was ridiculous. Is this me saying I wish I was molested by a teacher? Yes!!! These kids are probably not learning shit because they are too busy checking out their hot ass teacher.
7. Board Games With People.
I used to put together puzzles and play board games with my cousins and brother. My favorite game to play was Life. In this game you started off alone and if you were lucky got married, had a kid, and got a good job. We managed to turn this into a twisted game where if you were unlucky you had too many damn kids and had to get two cars to hold them. “You on the County!” we chanted.
Do kids even play board games now? By choice? I cant see it for some reason. And if they do its probably electronic now and moves the pieces for you. There was nothing like the satisfaction one got while playing Monopoly and making all your friends poor and being a slumlord.
8. Playing With Fans.
I have no idea how many hours I wasted either shouting into fans or screaming after sticking my finger into one. This was the original auto-tune. And I stuck my finger into them (many….many times) because fuck safety. I grew up in the 80’s! We’re the reason there’s warning labels on everything!
I don’t know why it was so fun. I would sing Stevie Wonder songs into the fan and laugh for half an hour. Hell, I still do it. I do not stick my fingers in them anymore though. I’ve outgrown that but for old time’s sake I may stick a digit in there.
9. Body Modifications.
There are kids that have tattoos. Like, for reals kids. I know this because I have nephews that got them before they were 18 years old. If I got a tattoo at a young age it would be of retarded shit that I liked when I was in high school. I’d have a Goliath tattoo from Gargoyles and Darkwing Duck.
Seeing a high school student with a bunch of piercings and tattoos just makes me cringe because it screams “I’m gonna regret the fuck out of this later!” When you’re in your 20’s…go nuts. Get as many tattoos and piercing as you want which will make me want to bone the hell out of a chick. God, I love tattoos on a chick.
10. Waiting To Grow Up.
Technically, I am an adult. And it sucks. If I could trade in looking for work, wondering about paying rent, figuring out why I’ll never have a healthy relationship, and watching people I love die for homework, being teased, and bad clothing styles I would. There are cool things about being a grown ass man (like this great wine I am legally allowed to consume) but being a kid is supposed to be fun.
I didn’t have an easy childhood. I was treated like shit quite a bit but I still managed to laugh and play and have fun. Just wait for it. There is no need to rush into sex, drugs, makeup, and stuff. Just try too enjoy being a kid because once that shit is gone you’ll spend your adulthood trying to get it back.
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