Dante Saves You: Cartoon Villain Edition

I’ve saved you or at least tried to teach you how to survive all kinds of crazy ass things in this world. But The Munky made me realize that I left you all defenseless against some of the craziest beings to ever be created: Cartoon Villains.

Yeah, I know it seems silly to be afraid of cartoons, but back in the day these and comic books were attacked by the government for the effect they had on the youth of the world. So I will try to show you how to beat a few of many of the insane villains from my youth!

So You’ve Met Gargamel.

There’s this broke ass weirdo that claims to be a wizard of some sort that attacks these small creatures called Smurfs. There’s dozens of the things and they like to live a peaceful life. They cant because for some reason Mr. Rapeyes wants to eat them.

"Just add water. That's it?!"

Dead serious. He sits around with his cookbook trying to think of all the delicious meals that he’ll make from eating these things. I can't imagine they taste too good. They spend so much time running and building shit that they must be as tough as a Texas grandmother. How do you beat this jackass?

Solution.

I assure you he and Azrael will fall in this hole later.

He’s not hard to find. He lives in a giant rundown castle and looks like he smells like burnt ass. And he has an annoying cat that is constantly meowing so he cant sneak up on you. The best way to beat him is with a sword. What? Okay, fine. You don’t want to kill him. You just want to teach him a lesson. Just dig a hole. 80’s villains never looked down and fell in the damn things all the time!

He's gonna Smurf the Smurf out of them.

You could use your human friends Johan and Peewee to go to his castle and threaten him with violence. I mean, Gargamel is not what I would consider a serious threat to humans. His magic skills are ass and the best thing he ever did was create a female Smurf so the rest of them had something to tap. I bet if you punched him in the neck he’d cry and never bother you again.

So You’ve Met Mumm-Ra.

Hahaha! I didn’t know you had a fear of the elderly. Look at this guy. There are old women in church that are scarier than this maroon. If you kicked him in the nuts your foot would leave out his throat. He’s a mummy. Mumm-Ra The Ever Living my ass. Not when we’re done with him.

Jay-zus!!!

He has minions and all of them are stupid. He also rarely leaves his tomb since he’d rather splash around his magic caldron and create spells. He’s very lazy. You honestly could head to his place and beat him to death with rocks if you were in a bad mood and all’s he could do is cover his head and scream for help. You might feel bad since he’s older than oxygen, but whatever. He started it.

Solution.

He picks things up and puts them down.

Goddamn it! He transformed into a buff ass god thing which is so not fair. Especially since the only ability we have is to turn from living to dead. And he looks like the type that would love nothing better than to do things to corpses that you read about in Florida newspapers. I mean, come on. Look at that face. He created rape eyes years before Charles Manson did.

Wakka wakka wakka!!!

The good thing is that after he transforms and you listen to his terrible theme music you can just punch him until he turns back into an old lady. Then you can make fun of him for being ashy and wearing a skirt, which funny enough, is how I spent most of my time in junior high. So when he turns into something you can actually handle just kick him in the ribs until he promises to leave you alone.

So You’ve Met Skeletor.

By far the laziest one on this list. This dick doesn’t ever leave his castle. And if he does its just to tell his followers “Hey, we’re kinda getting our asses handed to us! Let’s run, huh?!” Don’t be fooled by the fact he is so buff. It doesn’t make sense so its not dangerous. Hmm. That doesn’t sound like such a good idea. Platypus don’t make sense and I know they are dangerous.

Upskirt shots of Skeletor sell for lots...of nothing. 

Like most 80’s villains he uses magic. I swear that and butterfly nets were the most dangerous thing back then. If someone dropped a net on you all you could do was struggle and groan until you were scooped away and returned to a castle to wait for your friends to notice you were gone. Which wasn’t likely since they didn’t know that He-Man and Prince Adam were the same person.

Solution.

"Its like I'm taking crazy pills!"

All you have to do is dodge his energy blasts long enough to roll, rush him, and punch him in the face. He will run away screaming for help like a little bitch. The only reason he even thought to attack you was because you went to his place. Lie I said, he like, never leaves it. He’s rather stay at home in his stupid ass throne letting Beastman smell his fingers.

"I was hanging with Evilynn earlier..."

Skeletor is only in control of his people through fear and embarrassment. Just shame him in front of his people and he’ll lose all control of him. Or show him pictures of what he looked like as a human. Make him remove his hood. He ashamed of himself and takes it out on others. He’s pretty much a magical bully. Like Wendy Williams.

So You’ve Met Megatron.

As the leader of the Decepticons he has run this group of evil ass robots that are bent on taking over the world and looking cool doing it. He’s everything that you fear about robots: Big, mean, and sentient. Oh, and can transform from a evil robot to an evil robot gun. Yeah. There’s that.

Starscream wishing he could shoot a gun at a gun.

Is it crazy that he transforms into a gun and the only person he allows him to shoot him is the most deceitful robot ever that goes by Starscream? Yeah. But maybe he’s that badass that he doesn’t even fear his most hated employee squashing him.

Solution.

Megatron knowing what Starscream just thought.

If by chance he hasn’t already made you a human bitch slave you could try and join him. But that’s just as a last resort. This dude is all about vengeance and Energon Cubes. Man, he loves him some cubes, yo! Get Optimus Prime to join you in whipping his giant ass. When he gets his ass kicked enough he will ask for mercy. He didn’t get it and came back as an even tougher robot named Galvatron. Don’t let that happen.

Shit.

Because once that happens he doesn’t need anyone to shoot him since he’s now a fucking cannon. Have you ever tried to hold a cannon? I did. And it was heavy. At this point the best you can hope for is peeing on him and making his body rust. Can pee rust metal? I’m gonna find a car and find out.

So You’ve Met Cobra Commander.

The biggest coward on this list. When you’re known for running the world’s largest criminal organization and you are best known for screaming “Retreat!!!” at the top of your lungs and your mug shot is an image of your back things are bad for you.

"My mother thinks I'm cool..."

One problem with this guy is that he likes to wear different hoods. Sometimes it’s a metal mask, sometimes it’s a regular ass hood, and other times it looks like a respirator. But you’ll always know its him by his scream of pain of lack of success at winning. He never wins. His syndicate didn’t even become a real threat until Serpentor took over and that sucked because he didn’t cover dental.

Solution.

Favorite band? Air Supply. Buh-dum-bum!

As far as I know Cobra Commander doesn’t have any superpowers. No wizard ones or anything. So if you had the chance to punch him in the back of the head you totally could. He’d just scream for you to stop. His henchmen are far more dangerous than he is so I’ve never understood why they follow his lead. Destro is a fucking beast but he takes orders from this crackpot.

Zartan teabags Cobra while he sleeps. 

I suspect that he is part snake or something so if you manage to knock his hood off be prepared for him to look pretty damned freaky. Use that fear as power to punch him even harder. Seriously, this dude is not a threat. Kick him in the cobra crotch, smack the back of his head, and make him cry. You’ll be a hero of the country and might even get a statue.