Dante Saves You: Jurassic Park Edition

It has been years since I have tried to save you all and look at what's happened. Wars all over the world. A freak for a president. Hawaii is being very Hawaiian. It's nuts. So I have returned once again to try and teach you goofy bastards how to save yourself from yourselves because y'all like to leave the house and when that happens weird and violent shit occurs. In this Dante Saves You I'll save you from the various Jurassic Parks. Why? Because there are fucking dinosaurs there and you need to not go but decided to anyway because you wanted a selfie with something that could eat you and be hungry again before it even shits you out.

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition

I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside

Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. Or...you forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!

Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition

When I was a kid the future was about getting my hands on a laser gun, hover board, or teleporter because fuck walking anywhere. Then movies like Terminator came along and made you afraid of the future. They had you thinking that one day computers would wake up, yawn, and start using our blood for lubricant. Over time though these movies made me realize that the future could be changed because there were an unlimited amount of time machines so if you went back to change something and fucked up you could just get a do over.

In this Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition I'm gonna walk your terrified ass through four of the films. I'd help you with the fifth but I haven't seen that garbage yet. Yes, I judge before seeing. Why? Because I'm the founder of Dantania and that is how we roll. Judge first, facts later is the best way to live. Oh, you think that's wrong? Well, have fun when that buff ass naked guy you took home turns out to be a monster from the future here to kill you for some shit you ain't even done yet!

Dante Saves You: Bank Heist Edition

I know it has been a while since I tried to save you all. This time I am gonna teach you how to survive a bank heist in this Dante Saves You: Bank Heist Edition. I'm not gonna teach you how to survive being robbed. Nope. I am gonna teach you how to survive being on the other side of the law.

Let's say you have decided to rob a bank. There are many reasons why you'd make this dumb decision. If you really wanna rob people go into real estate. You are gonna need a team and getting a team is hard. Think of about four other people that you think could keep any secret. Hard, isn't it? Now try to think of that many that you could successfully pull off a robbery with. Even harder. But have no fear. That is why I am here to teach you how to survive this nonsense.

Dante Saves You: Specific Zombie Edition

A while back I wrote a Dante Saves You: Zombie Edition and in it I was being way too general in terms of how to fight against zombies. There have been hundreds of movies made about zombies and we have gotten to a point where regular brain eating zombies aren't enough anymore. Now they run fast, have thought processes, and even memories of their past life. There's nothing more crushing than looking into a zombie that used to be your spouse...and knowing that you absolutely have to smash their brains in!

In this Dante Saves You: Specific Zombie Edition I am gonna teach you how to battle zombies from five different types of movies. These zombies are gonna have different behaviors and skill levels but that doesn't matter as long as you follow the tips I give you. Otherwise you might as well rub some sauce all over your ass and get ready to become a Manwich!

Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition

I believe that within the next five years that we will be at a point as a society where we will be totally fine with people being murdered on live television. Right now if you wanna see folks get killed you can easily find it on the internet and seeing as how the internet is becoming TV for many, like me, murder live will be a thing.

I have found four movies where people are killed for the enjoyment of the public in this Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition. No matter who your enemy is by the time you're finished reading this you will be a winner. No. A champion! Because I don't train losers, you limp-dicked freak! Oh, you're a women? Too bad, Susie! Get your lady dick out there! Its go time!

Dante Saves You: Evil Witch Edition

Witches are a fascinating thing. You have good ones, bad ones, hot ones, ugly ones. You even have people that think that because they wear all black and look miserable that they are witches. One time a witch came into the porn shop. I don't think I've ever mentioned this on a blog before. Note: into. Not, like, in. She brought a big, expensive book to the counter and said “You're going to give this to me for free.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she did the two finger point like from The Color Purple. Which funny enough was the color of the bruises all over her arms.

I realized that I was dealing with a crackhead or someone who thought they were a witch. And she didn't realize that I am a magical creature that crackles with sexual energy. So I stare at this broad and she repeats her line and I say “No, I'm not.” She points harder at me and I smile. She calls me weird and leaves. Of course my coworker only heard the part about me being weird. I told him I knew something was wrong because a girl was in the porn shop. So taking this story I can easily teach you how to defeat some witches in this Evil Witch Edition!

Dante Saves You: The Devil Edition

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Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition

Years ago me and Kiyoshi used to say that one of our random fantasies was to go to a school where kids were learning karate and just waste the whole place. Yes, its very immature but that's nothing compared to the things I wish I could do but shall never mention on this blog. Most involve me superkicking strangers or sleeper holds.

Reason #3 why I'm banned from church.

I have compiled a list of different kids in karate films (not to be confused with the ninja one I wrote before and if you are running around confusing ninjas and karate experts then its pretty much almost too late to be trying to save you but I am a hero of the world and a national treasure so I'll continue). So remember to stretch and start punching bags of rice in preparation for Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition.

Dante Saves You: Survival Edition

Adventures are nonsense. People are always trying to get me to go somewhere far and I don't wanna. I like being at home where I don't have to worry about things like animals, robots, or just the damned elements. Fuck the elements. Let's fuck the elements together in this Dante Saves You Survival Edition!

I am gonna teach you how to survive everything from planes, islands, water, cousin fuckin', and just good old fashioned bad decision making. This is not gonna be easy and a lot of you wont make it back. At least I'm honest...which is why I'll never go into politics. Yet. One day I will and you will all bow before me and my codpiece! Bwahahaha! Apologies. I got carried away. My magic codpiece does that to me.

Dante Saves You: Enter The Dragon Edition

Remember that one time you got invited to that island to participate in a tournament where you and others from around the world had to compete against one another to see who was the best fighter in the world? Yeah, I don’t either. You know why? Because it didn‘t happen, you freak!

Enter The Dragon is considered one of the best films ever made involving Bruce Lee and people getting kicked in the face faster than they can blink. Poor O’Hara. That dude just didn’t know when to quit. You hit me in the face three times and then so hard I am stopped only by the people watching I bow and throw my wallet at you. I don’t need that level of stress in my life.

Poor son of a bitch.

In this Dante Saves You: Enter The Dragon Edition I will teach your dumb ass how to survive landing on this island. How did you get here anyway? I didn’t see you on the boat, you stowaway son of a bitch! Fine. You’re already here. Let’s kick some lip synced ass! And before you ask, no, I am not sharing any of my free hookers with you.

Dante Saves You: Doomed Mission Edition

We all like to think that we are heroes. We like to believe that if there were some major shit going down that we would place our hand on someone’s shoulder from behind and step in front of everyone and take charge of the situation. So many great stories start with someone giving the thumbs up or saying “I got this” and saving the day. But in real life? Nope. Pants change colors and cheeks get wet.

No matter how much of a badass we think we are, sometimes we get sent on missions that have a success rate of ass. So I will try and teach you how to make it out alive in this Doomed Mission Edition. The good thing about these types of missions is that there will be about five people that you can use as shields to ensure your survival. Usually the Blacker. Hey! I didn’t make the rules.

Dante Saves You: Evil Doctor Edition

No one likes going to the doctor. You pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars to someone who puts their fingers in your holes and tells you that you’re dying…again. Best case scenario you are just a little bit less wealthy than you were when you entered. Worst case scenario you end up being in the same one with one of these sons of bitches.

This is a list of some honked up ass doctors. But don’t you worry your sexy little head, you. Seriously, have I told you how good you’ve looked lately? Well, you do. You lookin’ like a delicious ham sammich I wanna eat you you’re so good lookin’! One of these guys may wanna eat you as well but I’ll teach you how to beat or at least get away long enough to scream like a little girl in this Dante Saves You: Evil Doctor Edition!

Dante Saves You: Power Ranger Edition

For years The Power Rangers have been on television in some form or another. I hated this show…for a while. My little sister would lose her mind when it came on and start acting like she knew karate. I’m sure there are thousands of kids that ended up getting their asses kicked thinking that if they hit a bully hard enough that sparks would fly out. Which, by the way, totally does!

See?!

I didn’t become a fan of the show until I started paying attention to the Pink Ranger out of costume because if I thought she was hot in it that would make me gay since there’s a 99.9% chance that a tiny Asian fella was under that helmet. The Power Rangers, while many, aren’t that hard to beat which is why I decided to teach your Black asses how to do it. You ready?! Its morphin’ time!!!

Dante Saves You: Viral Edition

It’s the time of the year when people start getting sick. Why? Because folks are nasty ass mofos that think that washing their hands after taking a piss or sneezing into their palm is optional. Guess what? Its not! Next thing you know your entire job and household has the Plague and it can be traced back to Harold in accounting who coughs into the microwave.

Its time to stop booty cooties and I am here to help you with this Viral Edition. There are lots of magical little viruses and they can do everything from making your nose run to being liquid out of every hole. A lot of this stuff is basic information but you know what people say about that: Some folks like their cucumbers pickled. What? Don’t try and figure it out. Let me save you!

Dante Saves You: End Of The World Edition

Last week everyone was prepared for the end of the world. At least some of them thought they were. Gathering gold, guns, and food isn’t the best way to prepare when you think the world is actually gonna end. That’s ridiculous. You think you have enough bullets to take on an asteroid? Do you?! Well, you don’t. Jackass.

I have decided to help you survive all forms of end of the world scenarios in this End Of The World Edition! Though many thought that the Mayans predicted the end of the world they were never really specific about it. I, on the other hand, am very specific when it comes to nonsense like this. So let me try and tell all you sumbitches how to survive!

Dante Saves You: Vengeful Father Edition

Sometimes people make bad life decisions. You’re running low on cash, you want to be a badass, or its Wednesday and you’re feeling saucy and decide to kidnap someone’s child. Its stupid and if you don’t know it then your friends helping you know it’s a bad decision. Especially when you have to contend with Vengeful Fathers!

Most of these guys were in a foul mood before you decided to abduct their offspring so I’m gonna try to teach you how to if not defeat them then at least run far enough away to scream for help like a three year old lost at the carnival. Which you should never let happen. Saw it on Sons Of Anarchy. It didn’t end well. Let’s get started!

Dante Saves You: Evil House Edition

Its October and you know what that means. Halloween! When I was little I went to a few haunted houses and they were just regular ass houses with straw thrown on the floor because as we all know straw is the scariest thing that you can find on the floor. When you see straw anything can happen after that point!

But this isn’t true. You can live in a jacked up ass house that wants to kill you or use you to kill your family and friends. Allow me to introduce Evil Houses! I know some of you will be like “Why didn’t you mention Poltergeist?!” to which I’ll respond “German scares me!” and the fact that I have used that damned movie in enough blogs already. So get ready for me to save your dumbass.

Dante Saves You: Creepy Spirit Children Edition

I have taught you how to take out kids once before. What? I haven't? Holy crap. That's not good. Everyone knows that kids are the deadliest thing on this damned planet. Particularly creepy spirit children! These are kids that for whatever reason got possessed or came back from the dead with a wild hair up their ass and they wanna take it out on you because life sucks that way sometimes. We'll deal with it.

Now, I know that some of these are creepy as fuck but we're grow ass goddamn adults and we're not gonna let some kids, no matter how scary they are, run us out of our house! We live here, damn it! Some of these will actually be easier to beat than you'd imagine. Don't let those crazy White women from these films fool you.

Dante Saves You: Con Air Edition

Every once in a while I try to save you from a specific movie. I know its a departure from the aliens, monsters, and clowns that I usually try to teach you about but calm your Black ass down and hear me out. This time I'm gonna teach you how to survive one of the greatest films of all time: Con Air! Yeah, that's right I said greatest films of all time. This movie ruled so much ass they had to produce more ass for the rest of us. Unruled ass if you will.

And unruled hair!

For the three of you that haven't seen this movie (welcome to Earth!) I'll give you a quick backstory. Cameron Poe was locked up for killing a guy with his hands which, since he has all kinds of training, are considered lethal weapons. He ends up on a plane that is transporting, like, the country's worst criminals ever. One plane. Tons of lunatics. You know I'll get you out of this safely. Relatively.