Dante Saves You: Crazy White Women Edition

I’ve tried to teach you how to battle many forms of nutballs ranging from giant monsters to psycho killers. But this time I’m gonna teach you how to fight the deadliest creature to ever exist: Crazy White Women. Since the dawn of time crazy White women have been the cause and blame for the largest catastrophes to befall mankind. From Eve, Pandora, to Mother Teresa White women have been starting stuff.

So this time we shall combat them. But they aren’t normal. Like I said they crazy. No superpowers unless you count looking sweet and innocent while they cut your face off. So let’s get into this mess. Unfortunately I have not figured out a way to defeat Courtney Love. Only Cthulhu knows that and he ain’t talking.

So You’ve Decided To Have A Fatal Attraction.

One day you’re feeling frisky and you see this, um, attractive--no--interesting looking woman. You decide to do horizontal mambo Italiano with her because she does all the stuff your wife won’t except on Christmas and your birthday like Cleveland Steamers, Tony Danza’s, and Roman Soldiers. Its great!

So...so very great.

Next thing you know you cant get rid of the crazy ass broad. She cuts her wrists, says she’s pregnant, and eventually breaks into your house and boils your damned pet rabbit alive! At this point you have reached a level of crazy that most chicks get out of their systems in college. But here you are face to face with a breed of nutty you haven’t experienced since Chik-O-Sticks.

Solution.

Blind stabbing: A truly classic fight move.

Well, you’ve gotten yourself into one dilly of a pickle this time. Deleting this chick from your Facebook page isn’t going to stop her. She is gonna hide in your bushes and try to just straight up kill you and your family because you wanted some strange on the side. Some very strange strange from the looks of it. I would suggest calling the cops but then you’d have to tell your wife and, honestly, who needs that kinda stress?

This image just made a thousand penises shrink. I heard it.

You could try and fight her but crazy people can lift cars and bench press bathtubs so that is not advisable. I suggest you judo chop her in the vajayjay. Chicks hate that…from what I hear. I’ve never chopped a woman in the crotch but I imagine its not pleasant. Or you could just out-crazy her. She cuts herself just start slapping yourself and pissing your pants. She’ll be so turned off that she’ll ask you to leave. Hopefully.

So You Wanted Misery.

You like to write! She likes to read! Its perfect! Yeah, you drove off the road during a snow storm and crashed but this chick is, like, your number one fan and also a nurse. Its like the perfect combination! You have no idea how lucky you are to have been saved by this woman.

She even collects your pee-pee for ya!

But then she finds out that you’re working on another story. And she doesn’t like it one damned bit. So she does the logical thing and writes a strongly worded letter to your publisher demanding that you immediately cut this malarkey and finish writing what she likes! Or she ties you to the bed and smashes your ankles with a sledgehammer.

Solution.

"It's time to play the Game!!! Bwuh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!!!"

You’re gonna have to brush up on your acting chops to get out of this one. This lady has already proved how crazy she is. You cant call the cops because one showed up and she gave him an extra breathing hole. So just pretend to be her pal and when she isn’t looking drug her crazy ass! You drug her and you drag your hobbled ass out the door.

Its a new invention. Gun needles!

She locked it? Shit. Okay. You drug her while she is still drugged up and get your ass out the window. She’s waking up? Use that big ass typewriter from the 1920’s that she gave you to write your story on! Have you ever held an old typewriter? Those things weighed like 50 pounds! They killed more people back in the day than polio and smallpox combined!

So Here’s The Bad Seed.

A cute little child that will one day grow up into a beautiful woman. Little pigtails and a bright smile that hide the fact that she is nuttier than squirrel turds! She killed a little boy and you know that she did it but no one believes you. Now she’s gunning for you.

"Poison? Don't mind if I do!"

You would feel bad for her until you find out that she is adopted and that her dad was a convicted killer. That means that she inherited the crazy gene which is real. Seriously, if there is a drinking gene and a fat gene then why not a crazy gene? Look at this kids eyes!

Solution.

The Twilight Zone theme plays when I look into her eyes.

She’s a kid so you don’t want to hit her. I mean, you do, but you shouldn’t. Especially if you look like me during the time period when she was around. I’d be the strangest fruit you’d ever see. What you have to do is play mind games with her. Tell her you know what she did and when she comes to get you just trip her down some steps or something.

She's wondering if she can kill you twice.

Or wait for a vengeful god. Seriously. She gets struck down by lightning. No one is going to believe that this innocent looking child has the potential for evil. But if like me you grew up watching way too many movies you know that she looks exactly like the type of child that would do some evil shit. You’d be doing the world a favor by taking her out. Make sure you say something cool when you do it though. “What has blond hair, blue eyes, and is red all over…?”

So You’ve Met Mommie Dearest.

A rich and successful woman has decided to adopt you which is awesome because orphanages are like…well, orphanages. There’s a maid, and lots of food, and you can have everything you’d ever want! Life could not get any better!

"Lonely. I'm so lonely...BLAAAAARGH!!!"

But then you find out that this lady has more screws loose than an American made automobile. She treats everyone like ass, cuts your hair off, and loses her goddamn mind when she finds a wire hanger in the closet. She also has a thing about chopping down trees in the middle of the night. How can you possibly deal with this?

Solution.

This was my reaction when Taco Bell got rid of their taco burgers.

Whatever the hell you do don’t tell her that you’re “not a fan” of hers. I mean you could but just make sure you limber up first because shit is about to hit the fan! She is crazy on a level that hasn’t existed since people died of old age at 18. She has no qualms about punching you or choking you out in front of company either so don’t sass her thinking she’ll just nod and hit you later.

What? Like you've never chopped down a tree while wearing a sequence blouse.

I think you could easily drive her over the edge. If wire hangers sends her into a frenzy imagine what she’d do if you covered her entire bedroom in them. This lady is probably the easiest to beat because she’s more dangerous to herself than anyone else…in theory. She washes her face with scalding hot water and flings Ajax around like its baby powder.

So You Met Carrie’s Mama.

Oh, lord. Literally. From making you scream about how “Eve was weak”, calling breasts “dirty pillows”, and reminding you that they’re all going to laugh at you, Carrie’s mom was past crazy. She saw crazy and said “Nope…not far enough” and kept on driving.

Praying for an affordable hair conditioner because dayum!!!

“I should’ve killed him when he put it in me” is nothing you should tell your child but there you go. Mama is a flavor of crazy that even China doesn’t produce anymore and she thinks that your period, that she never bothered to mention exists by the way, is sin. If you misbehave by, oh I don’t know, talking out of turn, you get locked in a closet and forced to pray. Its time to grab insanity by the horns!

Solution.

"You've got something in your eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!!!"

Hopefully you’re like Carrie and managed to pick up a book and learn how to use telekinesis. Because that would be really helpful right now as you’re facing a woman that makes today’s gas prices seem sensible. Use those powers and start flinging knives at her like a cheap ass magic act. If you’re lucky you have a lot of knives in the house.

Give me a "T"!

Jesus, that’s a lot of knives. You a chef or something? Now that you’ve gone all Mortal Kombat on her ass its time to leave. What you don’t want to do is make it rain stones on the house. Go out and use your new powers to destroy everyone that ev--oh look. Its raining stones. That’s just great. Well, with all that praying you’ve done all your life surely you’re not going to hell. You only killed your mom. And those kids you hated. And that auditorium full of students. And…