Dante Saves You: Insane 80's Bullies Edition

From space aliens, robots, and crazy White women, I have tried to get you ready to whip their asses. This time I’m gonna try and teach you how to fight something far scarier than any of those: Insane 80’s Bullies! My god. Back in the 80’s these guys were feared because they usually ran in packs and were run by the super asshole.

Now beware: some of these guys have weapons and I’ll try to teach you how to either disarm them or cry loud enough for the proper authorities to help you. Come on! I cant be there to save your monkey ass every time you run across a violent Aryan!

So You Said Hello To Johnny Lawrence.

The poster child for Hitler Youth, Johnny Lawrence belongs to a karate class. Its supposed to be a bad ass gang, but honestly, it’s a karate class that rich parents put their children into. Cobra Kai sounds cool and all but its run by a guy that looks like he’s perpetually ready to take a shit.

The kid on the right is all about sexual assault. You can just tell.

This kid runs with his punk ass boys who wish that they could be as cool as he is. What makes him cooler? Its gotta be the hair. Its not like he’s bigger or anything. He’s just louder. So how do you take out a guy who thinks a black headband goes with every single goddamn outfit he owns?

Solution.

"My life is always gonna be awesome!"

Stand up to him. I know that that’s what people always say about bullies, but this guy has been running his little town for a long time with no challenge until some Italian kid showed up, got taught two moves by the Japanese guy from Happy Days, and suddenly he’s kicking everyone’s ass. Is this the last thing you want to see before you wake up on the ground?

Waxing cars > Years of formal training. 

This dude is probably the weakest on the list because he uses no weapons, has a crew to help with his dirty work, and is a kid. How long has it been since you’ve seen this movie? Yes, Daniel-san was like 30 but this kid and his friends were children. One kick to the face and his life is forever changed.

So You’ve Met Alpha Beta.

All you want to do is go to college, get a higher education, some new STD’s, and a few more regrets. The last thing you need is a fraternity of assholes ruining your first day there. What did you even do to these guys to make them hate you so much anyway?!

I mean, besides having a laugh that sounds like a goose achieving an orgasm.

There’s a bunch of these dicks and being the most popular and best looking isn’t going to get people to easily come to your side and fight against them. Looking the way you look doesn’t help and being friendly does nothing but fuel their hatred of your kind. Bastards.

Solution.

"I pick things up and put them down!"

Being smarter than these guys doesn’t help. Trying to reason with them is harder than having your girlfriend stand in the back of the shower for once in her miserable life because god forbid you get a chance to have a drop of hot water land on your cold, dry body! So maybe you could beat them at a talent show.

Ogre's talent? The ability to make you shit your soul with fear.

If that doesn’t work…you’re a nerd. All we do is think of ways to hurt people. Comic books and math are just slow forms of training in learning how to jack people up. Playing pranks only works for so long before you get Lamar to throw a real javelin. Not a giant dildo. Jesus, that was creepy.

But this is creepier. I'm so not sleeping tonight...

So You’re Standing By Ace Merrill.

Now we’re venturing into Psychoville, USA. Population: Ace Merrill. When you live in a town where the best source of entertainment is walking along railroad tracks for days just to see a corpse, having this fucking nutjob on your heels would make you shit bricks.

Peer pressure was far harsher back in the day!

If this guy threatens to do something to you, believe him. This is Kiefer Sutherland in the 80’s. Like Bill Paxton, there was no such thing as “Just kidding.” If he pulled a knife out and didn’t kill you immediately, you knew he was gonna do it later. Why? Because the only fun thing to do is this shitty town is to trek for days searching for a corpse by a railroad track!!!

Solution.

"Hey. Are you lost...boys? Get it! Because I was in...and Corey...I stab you."

You could run away but then what? You gotta head back to that shitty town and deal with this dick. Plus, now he has it in his head to go corpse hunting too! This is a case of fight crazy with crazy. You cant reason with him. He’s not afraid of the law. So there’s one solution.

Who would've thought that the fat one would be the best looking and most successful?!

Shoot this fool! Seriously, if you get your hands on a gun use it. No one is gonna miss him. He’s a dick. You’d be doing society a favor. Its not like this guy is gonna be president someday. “Oh, remember back in the day when I beat up children and threatened the with knives on a daily basis?” That kinda behavior doesn’t change! Kill him. Or beat the shit out of him. There’s four of you and everyone knows where everyone else lives, right? Knock-knock ass whoopin’.

So You’ve Touched Buddy Revell.

Oh hell. If you thought the last guy was bad, this one makes him seem like Mr. Rogers. Buddy doesn’t like much. Don’t talk to him. Don’t look at him. And heaven help you if you touch him. If you touch him he won’t lightly brush your hand away and tell you that he hates being touched. He will fuck you up now and then let you know that its gonna happen again later.

         Fibromyalgia was not something Buddy joked around with. 

This guy showed up with a reputation of violence. He also goes by the layering rule (insane people wear at least three layers of clothing) rocking a thermal, shirt, and leather jacket. He doesn’t look like he enjoys bathing so your goofy ass should stay away from him in the first place. But let’s say you manage to touch him.

Solution.

"I don't believe my fist and your face have met."

You could try and get tougher kids to handle this situation. But unless you want the epic ass beating they receive on your conscious I’d advise against that. Don’t try to go home because he’s already wrecked your car and has already let you know that if you try and leave he’ll beat you up even more. This guy is like The Incredible Hulk if Hulk never ever calmed down. And had great hair.

Somebody's gonna wake up with shit in their draws!

You’re gonna have to handle this one yourself. Buddy ain’t afraid to punch a cop, the principal, or even women. He’s what the honey badger would be if he took on human form. With brass knuckles. Yeah, I forgot to mention that. He has a big ass pair of knucks and he likes to use them. Use your dorky friends as a distraction and get them brass knuckles and fuck him up! Now you’re a hero! Damn, life was easier in the 80’s.