Dante Saves You: Annoying Neighbor Edition

Since I started this Dante Save You series I’ve tried to teach you how to survive everything from aliens to crazy White women. But I somehow managed to not mention one thing that is closest to home: Annoying Neighbors. Yeah, I somehow skipped right on past this nonsense. This topic came about from Cam having to deal with some new loud ass partying neighbors.

Pretty much all of us have neighbors that bother us unless you live in the woods by yourself in which case how in the hell are you even reading this? Neighbors tend to suck more often than not. Borrowing your sugar, lawnmowers, wives. I have had my fair share of bad neighbors so I feel that I am the guy to go to when it comes to handling them…with extreme force!

So You Live Near Kramer.

Oh, this asshole. You live in New York and managed to afford an apartment on your standup budget and this is the guy who you have to live across the hall from. Not only does he barge in your front door when he feels like it but he also eats all your food, drinks all your shit, and is dumb as hell to boot. There is not one redeemable quality about this dude so I need to tell you how to stop him.

Solution.

"So how 'bout those Coloreds?"

Are you stutarded? You get a goddamn lock on your door! How many times are you willing to let someone invade your private space before you go “Oh, that’s weird. I’m not in Canada. I should totally start locking my front door.” You’re pretty much telling him that he can mosey on into your home any time he pleases because you leave your door open. If you’re all like “I’m American fuck you!” and leave your doors open, then the next thing you have to do is beat his ass.

California state law says “One is not bound to retreat, even though a retreat might safely be made. One may resist force with force, increasing it in proportion to the intruder’s persistence and violence, if the circumstances apparent to the occupant would cause a reasonable person in the same or similar situation to fear for his or her safety.” That means even if you can escape you don’t have to! You can just say he was trying to kill you and kill him!

So You Live Near The Ropers.

You lucky bastard. You get to live with two hot chicks in your apartment. Oh. One of them left. That’s cool. Another one has replac--what?! She’s gone now? Fine. Here. This is the last hot roommate you get. I have no idea what you’re doing to all these poor White women but I don’t have a surplus of them. Everything is groovy except for your nosy ass landlords who just come into your place when they want.

Solution.

Heeey...

See, they keep showing up because they want to make sure you’re not straight. What kind of…? Yeah. The only reason they’re letting you shack up is because they think you’re gay. I’m sure that even for the 70’s it was pretty honked up that a place did things like that. I remember it on Bosom Buddies but that was the 80’s and we were still recovering from the shit that happened in the 70’s.

So what if you have to pretend you’re gay? Mr. Roper is just mad that he didn’t think of it first. Look at what he’s married too! An old ass lady that you know sleeps around. Look at her. Seriously, you know that she is a swinger. Key parties were all the rage back then. She never drove anywhere but would just show up at people’s houses ready to bang anyone but her husband. He looks like he drives a white van.

So You Live Near Dennis The Menace.

Fucking kids. Now, people remember this kid for being rambunctious and his mean neighbor Mister Wilson stopping all of his fun. Oh, what pray tell was his fun? Nothing. Just vandalism, assault, harassment, and petty theft. This kids life mission was to see how much shit he could stir. I think he was trying to give his poor old neighbor a heart attack. Knowing when this was filmed its safe to assume that Mister Wilson was a veteran. He completes his service to the country just to have this Hitler youth goose-stepping on his petunias. Not on my watch!

Solution.

Why, yes, Dennis. This is a Colt .45.

Seeing as how you’re dealing with a real life version of Paperboy its fine to fight fire with fire. If he throws a rock through your window you take your old ass over to his place and do the same thing. What are they gonna do? Arrest you? Hell no! Know why? Because you’re old and old people do strange shit every and easily confused. Just say you’re cold and hungry and easily confused. That’s the best part about getting old. You can lie about everything and steal shit.

"Make sure you stick this TNT right up his ass..."

And if you don’t want to stoop to his level you could just kidnap him. It’ll be weeks before anyone notices he’s gone. Neighbors will be like “It sure is cleaner, quieter, and less assaulty on the streets.” Plus back then kids vanished, like, all the time. Children would leave to take out the trash and never come back. Its science.

So You Live Near Lucy Ricardo.

This bitch. I know that some of you think that Lucy is this fun, lovable lady that makes life exciting for everyone she meets. But look at it through the eyes of her old ass neighbors Fred and Ethel Mertz. They just want to live in their quiet building and yell at each other when they want. What they don’t need is some insane woman and her lunatic Cuban husband fighting to pay rent every month and getting them into madcap adventures.

Solution.

Fred: Shepard for The Devil.

Sick Fred on her. Look at him. This guy knows how to get rid of a body. Back then women got slapped for making coffee too hot. Imagine the force of nature Fred would be if aimed at Lucy. This man is a secret weapon that Lucy is lucky was never aimed at her. Nothing would be left except for a few red hairs and the echoes of her last gasping annoying breath.

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