"Sex & Violins"

She only wants to have sex to have babies. We have three kids now. I wish there was someone here to explain to me why I got into this relationship. I would ask a friend but she stopped me from talking to them saying they were "bad influences."

Before I dated her I had heard all about the shit she'd done with other guys and wanted to see for myself. But I got to her at the wrong time. I got her as she was recovering from being a sex addict. Now she doesn't give it up no matter what I say or do. I've tried flowers, gifts, a new car, and litigation. It felt like I was in court trying to plead my case as to why she should have sex with me.

"Its not that big a deal" I tell her.

"And that's exactly why we shouldn't keep bringing it up" she tells me. Lisa is cool and all but this sex thing is really putting a strain on our marriage.

"Can I at least get a blow job?" I'll ask her.

"Not right now" she tells me.

"I didn't mean this moment" I tell her. "We're at the market." That bugs me, too. She'll take what I said to the extreme literal making me seem like some horny jackass. And I know for a fact that she once had sex at a market so that bugs me even more. "Maybe later?"

"I'll think about it" she says. It never happens though.

I've considered cheating but that would be close to impossible. She calls me constantly. I know she knows that I know that she knows that I would like to cheat on her. One time at work this beautiful woman that was temping walked past me and grabbed my ass. Instant boner. I followed her to a small empty office and began touching her breasts. Then my phone rang. Its worse than it sounds. My ring tone is my wife saying "We'll always be together forever. I love you husband!" The chick left me standing there with my shame and a hard on that was hurting me.

I have only one friend left and she loves hearing about my sex life. Mainly because she is in a happy relationship. They have been together 8 years and have no children. They have sex every night and sometimes even on her lunch breaks. Its depressing.

"You should just divorce her" Tonya tells me. "No sex has to be grounds for a divorce."

"I cant picture myself sitting in court airing my dirty laundry like that" I say. "Can you picture it? 'Your Honor, all I wanted was a BJ and she wouldn't give it to me!' I'll pass."

"Then stop complaining" she says. "Is the sex you have that good?"

"God, yes!" I tell her. "She slept with so many guys that she could charge me and I would gladly pay."

"Maybe I should talk to her" Tonya says.

"No!" I shout scaring everyone in the cafeteria. "I mean, no. That's not necessary."

"It just seems unfair that you let your dick wither away and die" she says.

"It's not withering or dying" I tell her. "Its just on an extended absence. I'm sure that she'll change one day."

"Or maybe it wont" she says. "You could be sitting here in 10 years with 10 more kids. Maybe you should get counseling."

"I don't know if I can do that" I say. "Either way it sounds like I'm a sexual predator. I just want to have sex with my wife without ending up in a hospital watching her give birth 9 months later. I'm only 27 and I have three kids!"

"Loser!" someone coughs in the cafeteria.

"Who said that?!" I ask while standing and looking around. Everyone is laughing at me now. "Damn it. I need to get sexed."

"Get a hooker" she says. She's dead serious.

"With all the new STD's out there?" I say. "No, thank you. How would I explain why there're bumps on my penis and it looks like its about to fall off?"

"Blame her" she tells me. "She cant get mad that you've found sex somewhere else. Maybe you should threaten to cheat."

"Done that" I say. "She just laughed. My sexual skills have fallen to the wayside in the years we've been together. As soon as we start having sex I'm done in moments. Moments is too long a term to describe it. Instant is more like it. Its not like riding a bike, you know?"

"I'm all out of suggestions and your sex life is depressing me" Tonya says as she gets up and sits at another table.

That's it. I'm having sex tonight, damn it.

I'm sitting at the table with my wife and kids at a themed restaurant. A giant gopher dances around us and bumps the table knocking my drink into my lap. My kids all laugh. Lisa gives me a look that would make a statue weep. It's a look that says "Why did I marry a loser like you?" I stand up and confront the gopher.

"Hey, you owe me an apology" I tell it. I feel like such an ass now. Getting into it with a gopher at a kids place. My kids are all watching. Lisa is covering her eyes. I haven't been in a fight since I was 12 and that was a lopsided victory. That girl beat my ass within an inch of my life but I pulled some of her hair out. It never grew back and she had to wear bangs for the rest of her time in school.

"I don't owe you anything! Yah!" it shouts in a cartoony voice.

"You knocked my drink over" I tell it. "What's your name? Who is your supervisor?"

"My name is Goofy Gopher and my supervisor is King Panda of the Land of Chocolate & Cheese! Yah!" it shouts. My kids start clapping while Lisa waves a waiter over for the check.

"I'm not joking" I tell Goofy Gopher as I shove it in the chest. It shoves me back. I shove harder. It pushes me onto my table, flipping it over. Now my kids are crying. I get up with pizza all over my back and nail this bastard in the jaw, knocking its head off. Now all the kids in the place are crying and parents are shouting at me. Goofy Gopher slowly gets up and turns to look at me. Goofy Gopher is a woman. With a bald spot in the front of her head. "Tina?"

"Ricky" she says before hitting me in the gut with a fur covered fist. I double over and security drags me out and tosses me onto the sidewalk.

"Stay outta Chocolate & Cheese!" they tell me.

"Happy birthday to me" Lisa says as she and the kids step over me and head to the car.

"She started it…" I moan as I start the engine. I'm gonna pee blood later. I can just feel it.

"Sure" Lisa says as she looks out the window. My kids are still crying in the backseat.

Later that night I cant sleep. I'm in the bathroom abusing my penis like it stole something from me but I cant keep an erection. This is the ultimate form of sadness. I always thought that after marriage masturbating would be something I talked about like polio. I finally manage to get it to stay hard and my wife walks in on me. She doesn't say anything. She just gets a cup of water, rinses her mouth, and leaves. I'm done for the night. I flush the toilet for no reason and climb back into bed.

"Was it fun?" Lisa asks me.

"No" I tell her. "It wasn't. At all."

"Why didn't you just ask me to do it for you?" she says. Is she serious?

"Because you would've said no like you always do" I tell her. I reach over and place my hand on her boob. She rolls over and is snoring moments later. Damn it all. I cant sleep like this. I'm torn between going back into the bathroom and forcing an orgasm and sleeping in shame. I peek under the covers and see the top of Lisa's ass crack. Funny what turns a guy on. I slowly pull her panties down a little bit and start rubbing my penis against her. This is so sad. I'm beating off against my sleeping wife. Just when I'm about to cum one of my kids jumps on the bed and shoves me away from Lisa. I roll over and go to sleep horny, ashamed, and pissed. Cock blocking kids.

The next day at work I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. Tonya notices and sits down in my cubicle. I pretend not to see her. I'm still mad at her for leaving me at the table yesterday. She shoves my arm causing me to misspell a word. I sigh.

"What do you want?" I ask her.

"I just wanted to watch the saddest man alive in action" she says. "How'd it go last night?"

"I got my ass beat by a gopher" I tell her.

"I heard" she says. "It was on the news."

"Anyone else know?" I ask her.

"Pretty much everyone" she says.

"I could 'gopher' some pizza later!" someone says as they pass my cubicle. Everyone starts laughing.

"Son of a bitch" I mumble to myself.

"You have to do something" Tonya says. "Your sex life isn't the only thing in danger. Now its affecting your work and social life. I think I'm starting to hate your wife's vagina."

"That's a horrible thing to say" I tell her. She hands me a card and walks away. "What's this?" She ignores me and keeps going. I turn the card over. Its black with silver writing. It has a name and number on it.

Stanley Whitman, Esq.

I sit in my driveway looking at this business card. Stanley Whitman, Esq. I wonder who he is and what the hell he does. Why did Tonya give this to me? Later in my car I watch my kids playing in the front yard and give the number a call.

"Stanley Whitman's office, hold please" a woman says. Some soft music plays that has a very calming affect on me.

"Stanley here" he says as he jumps on the phone startling me. "What do you want?"

"I was, uh, given your card by a friend" I mumble.

"Was it a female that gave it to you?" he asks me.

"Yeah" I tell him.

"That's just sad" he says. "When a woman feels so bad that she tries to get a man laid you know the world is just coming to an end. But I'll help you anyway, you pathetic bastard."

"Now, hold on a second!" I say. "You don't know who the hell I am! You cant talk to me like this!"

"Let me guess" he begins. "Been married for 5 to 10 years. Your wife will only sleep with you to have kids. You cant get your dick to stay up long enough to beat off in your cold bathroom. If you have kids they ruin any chance of you getting some pussy. People are making fun of you. You have no friends, sorry, male friends to talk to, and you're at the end of your rope. Too weak to stand up for yourself and too chicken shit to get a divorce. I leave anything out. I can tell be your silence that I hit the nail right on the head."

"You're right" I say. "How can you help me?"

"How can I not help you?" he says. "But let's get this straight. You have to do everything I tell you. You don't discuss any of this with your friend that gave you my card, your wife, or even your pastor. Is that understood?"

"Yes" I say.

"Is your wife at home?" he asks me.

"Yes" I say.

"Good" he laughs. "Now, I want you to walk into the house and not say a word to her. You just walk on in there, pull her pants down, and rub your dick across her ass. It don't have to be hard. Just do that, walk away without saying a word, and give me a call back." He hangs up.

I sit in my car for a few minutes trying to think of how all of this will play out. I'm actually sweating. Am I that terrified of my own wife? Its not like she's going to punch me in the crotch or anything. Right? My phone rings and I answer it.

"You pussy!" Stanley shouts in my ear. "Your cock should've grazed her ass by now. I can see you're a loser. Don't call me again!"

He hangs up and I open my door and march into the house. I ignore my kids playing and head straight to the kitchen where Lisa is putting away groceries. Here goes nothing. I unbuckle my pants, whip it out, and run it across the back of her pants. A pube gets caught on her pocket and gets yanked out. I scream and my kids come running into the house. Now I'm standing there stuck to Lisa with my kids trying to find out why their daddy is in pain. Lisa keeps trying to spin to see what's wrong and I keep her pinned close to me so my kids don't see what's happening.

"What are you doing?" she asks me all mad.

"Nothing" I say. "Just stop moving. I'm stuck."

Later that night I get another call from Stanley. I don't answer it. I don't want to deal with him or trying to explain what happened. How can one pubic hair being pulled hurt so much? I don't even want to have sex right now. I just want the pain to go away so that I can sleep.

The next morning Tonya walks into my cubicle and smiles to me. I am about to say something when she holds her finger up, shushing me. I hate being shushed. It makes me feel like a kid.

"Don't tell me anything" she says. "But I can tell by the way you're walking that you had a busy night" she says as she winks at me.

"Its not what you think" I say and she shushes me again. "Stop doing that, damn it!" She starts miming a violin playing. "What's that for?"

"I'm playing some music for your sad sex life" she says as she walks away.

"And I'll play a trombone for your vagina!" I shout. Three minutes later I'm sitting in Human Resources being told that I have to go to Sensitivity Training.

"Do you like me?" I ask Lisa while we're going to sleep. Well, she's going to sleep. I'm sitting up in bed reading a book about confidence in life. The Sensitivity Training wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. The only thing that stinks is that I'm known as the guy that screamed about a co-workers vagina at work. I'm not even allowed to be in the same room as Tonya which makes lunch time very awkward.

"Of course I like you, Richard" Lisa says. "Why do you ask?"

"Because you don't touch me" I say. This book says that I am supposed to be 100% honest with my wife and friends. No holding back.

"Of course I touch you" she says. "If I didn't then how do you explain our kids? They weren't immaculate conceptions."

"You know what I mean" I say forgetting that this book tells me not to let others interpret my feelings and to just say what I need to say. I take a deep breath. "Yes, we have had sex before. The last time we did was three years ago. I would like to have sex with you more often."

"Why?" she asks. This is getting old.

"Because you're my wife" I say. "And its one of your duties as my wife to have sex with me whenever I want it."

"Have you lost your mind?" she asks me, getting louder than she needs to be. "I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Give you sex whenever you want it. I'm not your slave. What's your job as a husband? Since you know more about being a wife than I do I want you to tell me. I make more money than you. I take care of the kids. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and drive the kids to school. I pay for my car note after you bought it for me and couldn't afford to keep up the payments. So if you ask me I'm the husband and wife in this marriage. Where does that leave you, Richard?"

"Fucked."

"You wish" she says.

"Actually, I do" I say as I roll over and go to sleep.

I have a glorious dream. Tonya comes over to my place and screws me on the couch in front of Lisa. Lisa is tied to a chair while Tonya gives her pointers on how to take care of a man the right way. I wake up before my alarm covered in myself. Its really gross but so satisfying. I'm in the bathroom cleaning myself off when Lisa comes in and looks at me.

"Who is Tonya?" she asks me.

"Who?" I ask. Fuck, I hope I wasn't talking in my sleep.

"You said a woman's name over and over while you were sleeping and her name was Tonya" she says. How does this look? I'm standing in the bathroom covered in my own sperm while my wife asks me about a dream I had.

"I don't know a Tonya" I tell her lying through my teeth.

"And who is Stanley Whitman?" she asks. "I found his card when I was cleaning up. I gave the number a try but was put on hold forever. I looked it up online and couldn't find anything."

"Oh, someone gave me that card while I was at the market" I tell her.

"When did you go to the market?" she asks.

"Yesterday" I tell her.

"You came straight here after work, Richard" she says.

"Well, why are you asking since you seem to know my entire schedule?" I ask her. "Now can you give me some privacy? I got jizz all over myself and don't need an audience to the clean up process." She leaves and I feel better. Like a semi-new man. I stood up to her and it felt good. I finish up and get dressed for work. Breakfast is waiting for me and Lisa has already left with the kids. I sit and enjoy a nice quiet breakfast for once. I hop in the car and smile the entire way there until I pull into the parking lot. There are police cars and an ambulance there. I jump out and everyone is looking at me. "What's going on?" I ask a guy that I see every day but rarely speak to.

"Two chicks were fighting" he says. "One of them kept screaming your name, man. I think you should leave." Just as I turn to head back to my car someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and it's a cop.

"Are you Richard Konkline?" he asks me. I consider saying no for a moment.

"Yes" I tell him.

"Can you come with me, sir?" he says more than asks. I follow him to a squad car. Lisa is sitting in the backseat kicking the windows. She has managed to crack one of them already. "Is this your wife?"

"Yes" I tell him. Lisa spots me and starts screaming.

"I found your Tonya, you son of a bitch!" she shouts. "Have all the wet dreams about her you want now! We're through! You hear me, you asshole?!"

"Okay" I say. I turn and Tonya is standing behind me with her boyfriend. He punches me in the face knocking me flat on my ass.

"Keep my woman out of your dreams!" he says as police pull him away. I slowly get up and fall back down. Tonya helps me up and she cant keep from laughing.

"TGIF" she says.

"Yeah" I say. "TGIF."

Apparently Lisa dropped the kids off at her mothers place. I don't even bother calling. I'm going to sit here and enjoy seeing what it would be like to have the house to myself. I sit down and undress, smiling because its not even noon and I'm at home. I strip naked and start playing with myself. Then the doorbell rings. Damn it.

I walk to the door with my robe on and peek through the curtain. Its Tonya. I let her in and she throws her coat on my couch and sits sown with her feet all over the cushions. Lisa would go crazy if she saw this. But Lisa isn't here. She's in jail.

"You have any beer?" she asks me. She crosses her legs and for a moment I catch a glimpse of her panties.

"Yeah" I stutter. "I keep it hidden in the garage."

"You could've left that part out" she says as she stretches. I walk to the garage through the kitchen and grab a few beers from my hideaway fridge. I bring them back and place them on the table. She grabs one and cracks it open. She takes a few gulps and sighs.

"So what brings you here?" I ask her. I'm serious. I want to know why she is here and where her caveman of a boyfriend is.

"I had to get away from the drama at home" she says. "He cant get over the fact that you had a wet dream about me. I was flattered, by the way."

"Really?"

"Yeah" she says. "I mean, it must've been a really nice dream if it pissed your wife off enough to come to your job and attack me. Tell me about it."

"No" I tell her. "Its not something you would find sexy in the least."

"Try me" she says.

"Well, you tied my wife up and made her watch you have sex with me" I say really fast hoping she didn't hear all of it. "I guess I kept saying your name in my sleep and she put two and two together, went crazy, and attacked you. How did your boyfriend find out about it?"

"How could he not?" Tonya says. "He was dropping me off. I went in early to catch up on things. Sorry about you having to go to HR, by the way. I didn't complain. I thought it was funny but you yelled so loud that some tattle tells heard. Anyway, your wife started screaming about what had happened and my guy got as pissed as she was and waited for you to show up while your wife chased me around the parking lot."

"Jesus" I mutter. "So what happens now?"

"I don't know" she says. "I thought maybe we'd have sex a few times, see how it feels, and go from there."

"I cant do that" I tell her. I want to. Really bad. But I'm married. Yes, it's a shitty marriage where I bow down to every whim of my wife that but its still my marriage. "Sorry, Tonya. I cant do it."

"Cant or wont?" she asks.

"Both" I say. I would for sure after I get a divorce but not right now. "I mean, you're smoking hot and everything but I cant do it. Not right now."

"Fine" she says as she pulls out her cell and starts dialing. "Yeah. He's a lost cause. Alright. Five minutes. Okay."

"Who was that?" I ask her.

"Stanley Whitman" she says. "My cousin. I cant believe how big a pussy you are."

"I'm not a pussy" I tell her. "I could have sex with you right now."

"Then do it" she says. I just stand there unable to move. "That's what I thought. Okay, then." She finishes her beer and wipes her mouth. "Thanks for the beer and I'll see you tomorrow at work." She stand to leave and I grab her by the arms. I plant my lips on hers and rip her blouse open. I hike up her skirt and start ramming her harder than I've ever rammed anyone before. She's screaming and moaning. I shock myself by lasting more than a moment or instant. Outside Stanley is honking his horn but we ignore him. We started in the living room and end up in the kitchen. Tonya fixes up her clothes and hair. "Not bad at all."

"Thanks" I say as I wipe the sweat from my brow. She kisses me on the cheek and leaves. I can hear Stanley shouting from my closed door.

I walk into my bathroom and shower. I'm washing away lust and shame. I feel so good and so bad at the same time. The phone rings but I ignore it. I finish up and check the machine. It was Lisa cursing at me and calling me a whore. She says that Tonya just contacted her and played a tape of the both of us having sex. I erase the message and get dressed. I go outside and take a deep breath.

Wonder what will happen now? Your guess is as good as mine right now. This is all new to me. I've never cheated before. Maybe I'll have more answers tomorrow morning. Maybe never. Either way I should be okay.

Right?