Why Isn't Dante Dating?

By the way, this turned out to be very long. That’s not what she said! If you've been on Youtube in the last couple of months chances are that you've seen the Zoosk commercial featuring this chick named Liz and her talking heart trying to get her hooked up online with this guy named Brad. I like the commercial fine but, my god, they play it a lot. I'll tune in to see the best knockouts of last year and suddenly hear her heart bugging the hell out of her to hook up. Zoosk is a social dating online site that has been around for a while and makes a shit ton of money.

“Zoosk is a site that combines social networking and online dating. Social graph information is incorporated into user profiles. The company has a popular application on Facebook. Zoosk has a dedicated website, a mobile app, and a desktop chat client.”

I tried an online dating site years ago to see what animals I could catch in my naughty jungle of love. It was an interesting social experiment. Nothing but older White women and Indian chicks. That was it. No Latinas or Black women wanted a slice of this. Just like real life! I would never date someone I met on a dating site. I have friends who've used them with mixed results and I don't judge them for it. If you find a cool ass guy on a dating site then rock and roll. Then I look at myself in the mirror and go “Is there something wrong with me?” For years I've been the guy that women complain about their bad relationships to but wont touch. Or they do and will never admit it to friends.

I have as much confidence in myself as I don't. It balances itself out. But there are times when I look at the shitty guys chicks I know date and wonder why they never made a move on me. Then I wonder if my Social Asperger's has stopped me from seeing they are into me. But then I say “My friends know I am half retarded and that I'm bad at reading signs so they would just flat out tell me they are into me. Right?” Probably not. It seems that women like being chased and that's not something I'm willing to do. You like me? Cool. Sit on my face.

Why am I single, again?

Liz knows I just answered my own question.

I've only once saw a girl and said to a friend “I'm gonna be her boyfriend.” That ended when she told me that me and all my friends were going to burn in hell. Every other time it was just as shocking to me as I'm sure it was to the girl that she was into me. Now let me define “date.” When I say it I don't mean it in the sense that most of the world does. I mean it in “You're not fucking anyone else and neither am I and we're gonna spend as much time enjoying each other's company as we can.” Jesus, that sounds like some of my friendships.

Only once did I go on what you all would consider a date. Sorry. Twice. The first lasted two years. I don't know you and you don't know me. Let's see what happens. It was cool but my brain couldn't get used to it. I have always talked to someone for months, spending countless hours on the phone getting to know them, and saw them as a friend that grew into more. So going from just meeting to being physical was an experience that was cool and I can totally see how a lot of you can do it all the time. I just cant and that's why one day I'll be a strange smell that neighbors report.

This was supposed to be a blog about that Zoosk site but fuck it I'm a rambling man. I go through times when I want someone to be with. Not date. What I want is a tag team partner. I would love to have a girlfriend to write with me or give me story ideas. Someone to draw pictures and I ink them. Someone to lay around in bed with reading books not because we're mad at each other but because fuck you reading is fundamental. You know what? I'm gonna grab some questions and shit from a dating site and see what I come up with. Okay. I grabbed them from multiple dating sites. This should be fun. And by fun I mean it'll cause emotionally irreparable damage.

What are you looking for in a relationship?

Like I mentioned above. Someone that takes an interest in my interests or has something that they enjoy doing that I can join in when they want. Too many times I have been with someone who had no real hobbies and I became their sole source of entertainment. That is not fun since I’m not always “on.” There are parts of the day where for hours not a sound leaves my throat. I would like someone I can be around most of the time and it never feel strained.

What are the three most important tools to achieving a great relationship?

The ability to have a conversation, a practical personality, and laughter above all else. Do you know how to make yourself laugh? I don’t care what someone looks like if they can talk to me and make me laugh without trying. I like funny.

What was the worst lie you ever told someone?

That I loved her. This was years ago. It wasn’t to get laid. It was to shut her up.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I have absolutely no idea. I’d like to think I’m still alive ten years from now. And if I am I’m writing another book and thanking my lady for her help in doing so. And our pet wolf, Kiba.

If you won the lottery, how would you spend your reward?

I’d get a small house somewhere in Los Angeles with a backyard and room just for creating art/library. Then I’d get a license just so I could purchase the Tumbler from Batman Begins.

Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

My late brother, Kevin. He made me laugh in a shitty living environment and was the only person in my family to encourage me to draw. His art is the reason I started and he’s why I’ve watched wrestling for over 30 years now. He also taught me to not take things too seriously. I made my cousin crack up laughing after her husbands funeral with a striptease. That’s how I roll.

Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

Cam, of course. I think everyone knows that. I like her because out of anyone I’ve ever known she knows the most about me and still talks to me. I never thought that I could love someone as much as my brother but there she is being all awesome and shit. I should write poetry.

Other than your appearance what is the first thing that people notice about you?

That I don’t stand up straight? I don’t know. People tend to tell me that they thought one thing about me until they started talking to me.

What is the one thing that people don't notice about you right away that you wish they would?

That I'm not as upset as I apparently appear to people when I am just sitting somewhere or walking down the street. Most times I am writing a story in my head or watching old cartoons. Its very rare that I am actually upset and just wandering the streets. I've had it happen many times where someone at a gathering will say they thought I was pissed but turned out to be funny and just watching people interact.

What were you like as a kid?

I was either invisible or acting stupid. I would be sitting in the hallways reading an encyclopedia or figuring out who had an umbrella I could borrow so I could jump of my grandmothers roofs. I was gifted and taught kids to read and was forced to take equivalency tests when I would have rather splashed in puddles. A lot of people thought I was shy at times when I really just had nothing to say or didn’t have anything to say to them.

Do you have any pet peeves?

Being asked if I’m sure is number one. Being pinched. People who run late. People with bad time management skills. People who talk a lot but have nothing to say. People who talk about what they wanna do but do nothing to get there. People who live to make money. People who have to remind you of how spiritual they are. People who spit on the ground. People who cough without covering their mouths. People who are unnecessarily loud. People who hate talking about their past. People who make assumptions based on my appearance and/or where I live.

Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?

No, I have not. If I did I would be working towards that thing.

The four things your friends say about you are:

1. Stubborn
2. Strange
3. Funny
4. Smart

How do you typically spend your leisure time?

Writing, ironing, cleaning, talking on the phone, drawing, listening to music, cooking, watching movies, and eating out with friends. I’m like a woman from Sex & The City but male. And Black. And not as rich. And…

What are your biggest turnoffs?

Women that brag about their sexual skills. That turns me off so fast it makes a sound. Women that pick fights. Women that cant enjoy their own company. Women that cant leave the house without makeup ever. Women that cant handle their booze and leave defending them for the night. Women that confuse bitter with humor. Women that like “bad boys.” Women that define their lives based on a relationship. Women that get sad and do nothing about it. Women that don’t know how to clean themselves. Women that take and take but never give. High maintenance (having to shop constantly, has to be in fashion, or wears shoes she cant run in). Women that get jealous easily. Yes, I have mostly friends that are female. This isn’t new so when someone gets jealous its just goofy.

What are your biggest turn-on’s?

Nice legs. Again, sense of humor. Touchable features. This means that she wont attempt to kill me for touching her hair. If you have hair I cant touch I doubt we’d even be friends for long. Ridiculously long conversations that have no running theme. I like a woman that likes simple things and is easily amused. When she doesn’t try to prove her independent she is by acting mannish. If I pull a chair out or open a door for you, its not because I’m trying to get into your pants. I wasn’t even raised that way. Its just polite. Red draws of course. A chick that lives alone. If I end up bumping into your roommates because my Tim Burton is hanging out after sex, whatever happens next is your fault. Having some nerd to them. And finally a chick that doesn’t mind when I call women chicks.

I think that’s it. Well, I know there are more but its like sexy time stuff and I’ve spent more than enough time talking about that in previous blogs and podcasts. I don’t think what I want is asking for too much but I’m sure that’s what most dictators say. I’ve told people that when I’m in a relationship that I’m too easy. I’d rather give foot rubs than argue because you’re bored.

I’m sure if you asked some of my ex’s they’d say that I was dull. The thing is that I make stuff fun naturally. I’ve had more fun at the 99 Cent Store than at some parties I’ve been dragged to. If I’m in the car with you I’m gonna end up singing or dancing so hard that your car physically moves. I’d never describe myself as funny but I somehow make people laugh. I don’t want to have to look for someone. I like to imagine that it’ll happen naturally. I say the same thing about getting superpowers. Let’s see which happens first!