Dante Wants These Cars

I don’t drive but my entire life I have been obsessed with cars. No, not regular ass cars that you see driving around all the time. I wanted stuff from movies and TV shows. This is a list of the cool ass cars that I’ve wanted my entire life but will likely never own. And for good reason because I would destroy this entire city within a matter hours.

K.I.T.T. “KITT’s main cybernetic processor was first installed in a mainframe computer used by the United States government in Washington D.C. However, Wilton saw better use for ‘him’ in the Foundation's crime-fighting crusade and eventually the system was installed in the vehicle. KITT was in fact the second vehicle built by Knight Industries with artificial intelligence.”

Why I Shouldn't Own It. This car was awesome as hell. I wanted this not only because it looks cool, but because it talked. And it would spend most of its time trying to talk me out of shooting rockets at cars that were in my way. Meaning they were on the same road as me. Or if I were feeling merciful I would use my booster to just jump over them and land on some poor bastard that was minding their business. The best thing about KITT was the cool light n the front. Not cool? Me trying to impersonate the sound of the car.

Batmobile. “The TV Batmobile was based on the Lincoln Futura Show Car, originally created by William M. Schmidt and his design team at the Lincoln Styling Department; its rakish lines are said to have been inspired by the mako shark and the manta ray. In 1954 the Futura prototype was built entirely by hand by the Ghia Body Works in Turin, Italy.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This was my original obsession car. Not only was it Batman’s fucking car, but it had a rocket booster in the back! Can you imagine what I could do with this thing?! Me behind the wheel of this beast would be good for no one. No one. But me of course because I would run people right the fuck off the road singing the entire Batman theme song as I do. Whose gonna stop me? The po-po?! Ha!

The A Team Van. “The black and metallic grey GMC Vandura van used by the A-Team, with its characteristic red stripe, black and red turbine mag wheels, and rooftop spoiler, has become an enduring pop culture icon. One of the original six vans used for the show is displayed in the Cars of the Stars Motor Museum in Keswick, northern England.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. Besides the fact that I would shave my head into a Mohawk, I would be compelled to get together a group of fucked up Vietnam vets that believe that they were tried for crimes they did not commit. Well, if the crime is being badass then I must plead guilty! This is a simple black van with a red stripe on the side but for whatever reason it is one of the coolest vehicles ever,

Batmobile Tumbler. “The Batmobile depicted in the Christopher Nolan directed films Batman Begins and The Dark Knight owes more to the tank-like vehicle from Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and has a much more 'workhorse' appearance than the sleek automobiles seen in previous incarnations. The vehicle does not have a front axle, a design that was influenced by the spinners featured in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This is by far the best car ever made. Did I say car? I meant fucking battle tank death bringer! When I first saw this thing I was like “This needs to be in my life!” This is one of the only vehicles that transforms into an even cooler vehicle. Car gets fucked up and he’s like “Fuggit. Motorcycle.” And then the original car blows up and he doesn’t care. You know why? Because he’s Batman!!! He can wreck half the city and rebuild it.

General Lee. “Bo and Luke Duke's 1969 Dodge Charger. It was orange with a Confederate battle flag painted on the roof, and the words ‘GENERAL LEE’ over each door and the number ‘01’ on each door. In the original five Georgia-filmed episodes, a Confederate flag along with a checkered racing flag in a criss-cross pattern could be seen behind the rear window.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. Because I’m Black! I’m kidding but not at the same time. I mean, the goddamn Confederate flag is on the side of it. But still, I want this. I will drive down Crenshaw Boulevard blasting Tim McGraw and wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, I would be shot at but I’d just get away by blasting my musical ass horn and then speed off laughing like a psychopath. Me and this car have so much history, you have no idea.

Drag-U-La. “It featured a 350HP 289CI Ford Mustang V-8 engine, with a four-speed stick shift. It had two four-barrel carburetors. They were mounted on a Mickey Thompson Ram-Thrust manifold. The two rear tires were 10.50 -inch Firestone racing slicks, mounted on custom 10-inch Rader aluminum & steel wheels. Each hubcap was decorated with a large silver spider.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This car looks cool for far too many reasons. I wanted it mostly to scare people when riding down the street. Oh, and hopefully Get some of that sweet Lillian Munster ass. That’s right, I said it. I would get this cool ass car just to get with a witch. I’ve seen this car once in real life and I damn near sharted myself. It looks so groovy with the red and the coffins and all that.