Most of the advice you’re given in life is bullshit. We all think we are helping people out when we tell them things but most times we’re just laughing at them later on. Like that one time you told her she looked fine in that outfit. Hahaha! Oh, that shit was hilarious! Remember how those jeans made her ass look? Like two gorillas fighting for an apple. That was priceless!
There is some advice that you get that as soon as you hear it you want to ask “Are you trying to get me killed?” I forgot that I had written the first one of these blogs so here’s the link for that. You can agree to disagree with me. You can tell me how right you are in the afterlife.
“If a bear attacks you, play dead.”
Nope! I know that this is a real thing. There have been bears attacking humans for centuries and it wont stop anytime soon because for whatever reason we still choose to go into the woods knowing good and goddamn well that that’s where bears come from. Its like a children’s book. You say there’s a monster under the bridge, guess what? I’m not crossing that sumbitch! But we still continue to venture into where most horror stories start and sleep in a thing that is thinner than your underwear.
You know what I’m doing if a bear attacks me? Shoryuken! I’m gonna uppercut that fucker! Yeah, you can sit and explain the logic or lack thereof of sucker punching a bear but I don’t care. I’d rather park rangers find my body with my fist clenched in battle than be found curled up in a ball with shit stained draws with tear streaked cheeks.
“In an earthquake, hide in the doorway.”
Being born and raised in Los Angeles I know all about earthquakes. In school we would have earthquake drills where we would hide underneath the desks and in the doorways. I thought this was good advice until a damned comedian went and ruined it with one sentence. He stated something along the lines of “…of course when you drive through an earthquake struck area and there’s nothing left but standing but doorways.”
My brain flashed to every earthquake ravaged city I’ve ever seen and I’ll be damned if there was never a doorway standing! Why was I being taught this false information?! You know what I do when there’s an earthquake? Nothing. I stay put. If shit starts falling down then I’ll leap out the nearest window and grab a power line or something. I saw it in Daredevil and The Spirit. It totally works.
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