Kids These Days 18

When I watch commercials or read articles about Kids These Days all I can do is think of how jacked up our future is gonna be. These children don’t know shit. I’m sorry, not your kid. You kid is the next savior of humanity. Nothing can stop them! it’s the other kids we need to worry about. These paste eating weirdos that permeate our culture are gonna be at child bearing age soon and something needs to be done about it, Children Of Men style. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

In my first few KTD blogs I would point out sit that kids wont get nowadays. It turned into me berating them like a, well, dumb kid. I have decided to go old school for this one with some more shit that wont make sense to kids unless a new singer that was born after 1995 mentions it in a song and it becomes cool again.

Klondike Bar References.

“What would you do-o-o, for a Klondike Bar?” What wouldn’t I do is more like it! I would do things that would shame my ancestors. These commercials used to air with folks being asked this question and but being teased with a Klondike bar being waved in front of their face until they shamed themselves into finally getting one. If you asked a kid now what they would do for one of these they’d probably tell you that they aren’t allowed to even have one because kids are denied awesome things like this all the time. No wonder they go crazy and shoot shit up. All they wanted was some ice cream, chocolate, and a hug. Hmm. There is milk in these though and we know how kids feel about that.

Got Milk?

Kids can not drink milk! I don’t know what the fuck is going on but if you give a child a glass of milk their day is shot. They created this term “lactose intolerance” which I still think is a work. I can drink milk just fine. I could as a kid as well. I mean, add some Captain Crunch and its another thing. They don’t even air the commercials showing how big and strong milk made you. I know that using Hayden Panettiere is a bad choice since she’s 4 foot 1, but still. Think this is why kids are so damned small and skinny now. They talk about the obesity problem in this country but have you seen teens and grown ass men lately? Dudes are skinnier than their girlfriends! Do some pushups! So what if milk gives you bubble gut? Deal with it.

Rewinding VHS Tapes.

You remember what it was like when you first played a DVD? That shit was a whole new world Aladdin style. Don’t even get me started on how it changed watching porn forever. If you wanted to go to another scene gone were the days of “Whirrrrrrr…” for five minutes to skip fifteen minutes…if your VCR was that fast. In a moment you were somewhere else. Kids have no idea what this world was like when you had to wait to watch something. Well, they do but its when a video if buffering and uploading. That’s not the same! Rewinding VHS’s seemed to take even longer than fast forwarding them. They tried to calm our tits with laser discs but that was a damned nightmare. Did anyone own those things?

Real Trix Cereal.

You think what you’re eating now is Trix cereal? Pah! What they are passing off as Trix today is absolutely nothing like what it tasted like when I was little. Trix as this delicious ball shaped (ha!) treat where each one had its own individual flavor. The shit they are selling now is fruit shaped nonsense that tastes absolutely nothing like the real thing. I'd love to time travel and get about thirty boxes and share it with friends. Or better yet give it to one lucky child and let them experience the lies they've been living their entire life. Seriously. It tastes that different.

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