Five Things I Learned Riding The Bus

I ride the bus every single day. As old as I am I still don’t drive but I know that eventually I’ll have to because I plan on having a more adult life that doesn’t involve waking up eating sugary cereal and drinking coffee while listening to podcasts and farting around in my robe. Which rules. If you don’t do all of what I said at least once a week then you ain’t living. But yeah. One day I will have to get a car and stop riding the bus.

The bus is like its own personal world. Or hell. Yeah, let’s go with hell. You will meet people you never wanted to, talk to people you have no interest in talking to, and smelling things that come from a human being that you never knew was possible. But despite all this including the fact that you’ll discover that bums have a taste in this Five Things I Learned Riding The Bus riding the bus is still cheaper than owning a car.

1. Men Are Last

This is something I’ve known since I was a teenager with no facial hair and dreams of knowing what it was like to be back inside a woman. I saw in movies where if a ship was going down men were last to get on a lifeboat and if there was a fight between a couple the man would always have to leave. But on the bus men are seriously last. Unless they are retarded. Then they are like in second place. You don’t believe me? Next time you are near a bus stop just sit and watch it like a nature special.

I know that even if I was the first person at the stop and standing closest to the door when the bus pulls up that if a human with a vagina has arrived that she will get on before me. This isn’t even a case of me being polite and letting them get in front of me. They just do! They shoehorn themselves in front of me and get on the bus with this entitlement that needs to not exist anymore. The hierarchy goes like this. Special needs (mentally handicapped), wheelchairs, old women, pregnant women, not pregnant women, kids, service animals, and then men.

So if you are a guy and you’ve gotten on the bus before all these other people just know that there are dozens of handicapped vagina wielding eyes burning a hole through your head. God forbid a handicapped, pregnant, special needs old woman in a wheelchair gets on the bus! The universe actually wobbles for a second.

2. Black People Love The Back Of The Bus

I noticed this when I took the school bus and didn’t know that it carried on to the public ones. Decades ago Black people were lucky if they could even get on the bus and when they did they would have to sit in the back. Now Black people are all about the back of the bus! If you see someone that isn’t Black back there they are probably lost. Many a time I’ve seen some poor tourist not know this and plop down only to look around and realize they are in a sea of darkness.

I used to joke about this in school and sing civil rights songs to the Black students letting them know that they didn’t have to sit in the back anymore because fuck you its funny and my favorite color is red. You wanna get a glimpse of the past? Watch the look on an old Black man’s face when he has no choice but to sit in the front of the bus.

3. Old Ladies Hate Each Other

I say that women hate each other but old women are even worse! If an old lady with eight bags gets on the bus with an old lady with twelve they give each other the super evil eye. They will knock each other over to get on the bus first. Sigh heavily when one sits next to the other. Its terrible. The one exception is Latina women. They love each other! They move over. Give each other seats. Talk to one another. Its nice.

I have seen old ladies not give up their seat for a blind person. They have let that man (because I rarely see a blind woman for some reason) hold that pole in the darkness that God had punished him with while the bus bounced on the terribly cracked roads of Santa Monica and Wilshire streets. Old women are mean as fuck.

4. Girls Are Terrible

Young girls are terrible creatures. 99.8% of the girls that ride the bus are loud, rude, and have shitty styles of clothing. I know clothes don’t have anything to do with this but I hate bad fashion sense. The front of the bus is for the handicapped and old as shit. Not in Young Girl World! They just get on the bus yapping on their cell phones and sit down in the very front while putting their purse in the seat next to them. God forbid someone wants to use that seat. Oh, they will huff and puff and blow the next guy to tell them they should be a model down!

I believe in manners. I don’t think I’m a very nice person but I know when something is wrong or not with regards to society. Not young girls! They have no fucking home training and it shows. I hope a young girl is reading this shit. Listen to me. Just because you are young, have a vajayjay, and are cute (likely not but bear with me) doesn’t mean that you can get and do whatever you want. Yeah, it happens but those girls are usually stupid or have their legs spread more often than peanut butter. Be nice.

5. Hobos, Hobos, And More Hobos

When I ride the bus there are more hobos than anything else. Most of them are riding for free with two trash bags full of possessions and creating a smell that can only be described as Satan’s Taint. Of course no one wants to be rude and crack a window open. Bullshit. If I could I would open the emergency latch and let the window flap open to air the bus out! And the worst part is that they are so combative.

I have seen so many hobo fights and arguments. Sickening because as we all know when bums fight they work up a lather and that lather gets in your nose and the next thing you know the sky is a different color and you are scraping your tongue against hospital doorknobs to get the taste of wino out of your mouth. A month or so ago a hobo fell out of his chair because he was sleeping and he hit his head on the seat across the aisle. They called an ambulance and he screamed at the driver for turning too hard and braking and would not admit he had fallen asleep drunk and hit his head. If I see him on the bus again I’m gonna use my bags strap to tie him down. Can we get a separate bus for hobos? An old Black man somewhere just shuddered.

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