I don’t drive. This is public knowledge and not a revelation in any sense. I have multiple reasons for not doing it so I ride the bus. I’ve been riding the bus a ton for my new job and have seen some pretty strange shit. If you’ve ever ridden the bus you’ve seen something that makes you gasp, laugh, or poop a little in your mouth. That’s totally possible by the way.
I’ve seen everything from people trimming their toenails to a woman covered in piss getting on happy as you please. But one of the most memorable instances was a woman getting her ass beat. Now, I’m not one to advocate violence *bullshit* especially against women but…this chick was asking for an ass whipping. I know, some of you are like “There is never an excuse to hit a woman!” but let me explain what happened first.
So I was heading to my parents a few years back taking the 105. That bus was recently in the news because a driver was murdered. Hell, Ice Cube once said in a song “You won’t survive the 105.” As soon as the bus pulls up this cute Black chick steps in the doorway with snot running down her nose, tears streaming down her face, and her wig crooked. I take a step back after quickly realizing crazy is about to happen. I’m gonna be paraphrasing what happened and put it in story form.
“This Mexican is making fun of me!” the crazy woman shouted at Dante and a fellow passenger. The bus driver rolled his eyes and the bus was boarded. Dante noticed that the woman had a hospital band on her wrist and telling from the way she was dressed, black leggings, nice shirt, wig that was once stylish, that she had been overnight at the hospital. The bus driver by the way was not Mexican.
Dante sat near the back of the bus and got his audio recorder ready. He had brought it to interview his parents and ask them why they were crazy. A blond haired gay Black male boarded the bus and sat near the center. The entire time the lady is shouting.
“This Mexican was making fun of me!” she continued to scream. The driver said that he was not and continued driving. The black dude told her to sit down because she was “embarrassing us” meaning Blackers in general. Crazy lady got in his face and at this point Dante knew something bad, meaning stupid, was about to happen.
She told him to stay out of this because she didn’t trust Africans. She kept getting closer to him and in his face and then…she slapped him in the face. In a split second he jumped from his seat, slammed her into his seat, and popped her in the face machine gun style. The bus driver slammed on the brakes, me and another dude rushed towards the guy, the back door opened, and dude jumped off the bus. He then started reaching under his shirt like he had a gun at which time I told the driver to close the fucking door and drive. Dude ran away and the crazy lady started screaming more, called me an African, and we filled out an incident report.
I asked my friends on Facebook to send me some of their crazy ass bus related stories. Here are the ones that have rolled in. Here's Heather’s tale.
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| "Cat Scratch Fever" by Heather |
Okay, the short version: riding the bus, some creepy looking homeless guy was eyeballin' me, he came over next to me and as I believed he was moving closer to the door, I thought nothing of it until he reached out with one long nasty fingernail and scraped it--harshly--down my arm. I was dumbfounded as he then proceeded to dig the contents from under his nail out with his tooth, never breaking eye contact with me. I was very freaked.
I finally pulled it together and went to the driver, a big mean black lady that had her eyebrow pierced looonnnggg before the kids were doing it and told her that some guy just tried to eat me. She looked at me like I was a nuisance and said something smart ass, I don't remember what.
I showed her my arm and told her no, really. She pulled the bus over and threw him off, steady raising hell about crazy motherfuckers on her bus trying to eat people and shit. She grumbled the rest of the ride and sorta made me feel responsible for the whole thing.
Here's Njeeeri's tale that made me frown in its grossness.
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| "Juicy" by Njeeeri |
Spitting Dude
I boarded a bus at college one day and felt something wet on my hand. I grabbed a seat near the front, and noticed some middle aged Asian bum who sat opposite of the driver, spitting tiny spits toward the aisle.
Spitting Guy #2
I used to have a crummy job working at Crenshaw and Dorsey High Schools as a college advisory for at-risk youths. One day I took the crowded ass Crenshaw bus. It was packed but I managed to get a seat. I had just gotten my hair done over the weekend and was looking really good. Some angry black dude was standing near me, cursing about whatever so I tuned him out. Next thing I know, people are looking at me funny. One lady looks at my hair with a pitiful look. I touch my hair and its wet. I look at my hand and there's spit in it. That really tucked up my day.
And just when I thought she was done...
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| "Something's Missing..." by Njeeeri |
I have more. Once I was riding the bus through Downtown and was looking out the window. There was this beautiful black woman walking on the sidewalk. She looked like she was on some stuff, but she was gorgeous. In my mind I found myself thinking that something about her was strange and that's when I knew what was amiss. She was only wearing a shirt and nothing else.
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| "Hot Off The Presses" by Njeeeri |
I was on the bus riding through Downtown at around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. There were numerous people at every stop. At one stop there was a skinny old Asian man. He held a folded newspaper over his crotch and was looking at the bus numbers. As my bus took on passengers, he must’ve thought he saw his bus and raised his hand, the one with the newspaper, to signal for the bus to stop. When he did so, I could see that his fly was unzipped and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Perhaps he was giving it some air. But when he realized the bus wasn't his, he returned to standing still and covered his crotch with the paper.
Thank you ladies for your crazy ass stories. There will be more of these in the future.
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