I am still convinced that Cosmo Magazine is run by a bunch of dudes that really hate women and want to see them make fools of themselves while looking as fashionable as possible. I found this article for women about what to do if you are going to see your ex at a party or gathering. If a woman follows this advice she is going to look crazy at worst and pathetic at best. If anyone reading this has followed the advice given…hahaha!
“That fab feeling when you're wearing something new that you know looks good will be well worth it for an occasion like this: It's always best to feel your best when dealing with your ex, no matter how good (or, well, not so good) the break-up was.”
I’ve never understood
this. Depending on how long you two were together no matter how hot you dress
he still remembers that time you forgot to flush the toilet when you were on
the rag or when your pussy farted after sex. I just made myself laugh. Self
high-five! If your intent is to fuck him again, wear what he likes best which
is something you probably hated wearing. I would suggest not going too
overboard with what you wear seeing as how he’ll probably spend the next day
talking shit about how you tried to wear something from five years ago that
barely fit then.
“No need to dig through your contacts for a kind-of-sort-of suitable date. The ideal dude to take to a situation would be a guy-pal who is well informed of the situation and knows your feelings on your ex (major bonus points of he’s cute).”
I’m not cute but I do know about most of my chick friends ex-boyfriends. Your guy friend probably knows that the dude you are bringing is 1. Gay and not going to fuck you. 2. Safe as hell and not a threat since you probably told your ex about the time he got beat up by his sister. Or 3. Confirms his suspicions that you and your guy friend have been fucking. Don’t use your friend as a cock blocker. That’s not nice.
Source: Personal
experience.
“Get your hair did and
your nails did too. Make sure you look and feel like a slightly better version
of your normal self.”
Because no one likes
their normal self. Seeing as how most people hate their bodies and faces people
are likely to try this one. But doing it to impress, but not impress your ex is
bad. He knows what you look like when you wake up in the morning after every
hole on your face has leaked overnight.
“That perfume you’ve
been wearing since the 9th grade? The one he always commented on? Wear
it a little heavier that evening. It’ll remind him of that time you borrowed
his sweater for a whole week without washing it.”
This one may work on a
guy like me because I am all about how a woman smells. I’ll remember that more
than most anything about a woman. But wearing his shirt for a week and not
washing it? That’s just rude and probably smells like your week. Tears, ice
cream, and broccoli beef. I just made myself laugh again. Double self
high-five! Is there a woman out there that has been wearing the same scent
since the 9th grade though? I didn’t know they still made Teen
Spirit.
“Take care of the areas
he’ll never even see. This could seem counter-intuitive, since he’s never getting
near your lady garden again (stay strong, girl no matter how hot he looks).”
Ladies, it’s time to
wax your vajayjay’s! I’ve said for years that guys that demand a woman shave
completely that he has some shit in his past that he’d prefer you not know
about. If you like doing it because your pubes look like your grandmother’s
carpet then fine. But if you are doing it because you hope to hook up with your
ex that just makes Jesus cry.
“Have a drink…but not five. They call it liquid courage for a reason. Depending on your relationship with alcohol, one drink can make you feel less nervous, two can make you loose-limbered enough to be willing to hit the dance floor-and that’s where you should stop. The last thing you want to happen is you wake up in your bed the next day with a hangover, a bunch of blurry memories of throwing a drink in his face, and no recollection of where you put your dignity.”
This tip will end up
throwing everything else this magazine has told you right out the window. You
left the house feeling strong, new hair, nails, smooth vagina, and hanging out
with your friend who wants to fuck you but will settle with attempting to make
your ex jealous. Now you are screaming at your ex in the middle of a party
where he didn’t even know you were there until your tripped over a coffee
tables shattering it and crawled to him on bloody knees talking about how you
wasted six months of your life on him. You know what? Don’t have any drinks.
“Give your friends
talking point…if she happens to drop in front of him about your promotion,
awesome new apartment, or that vacation you guys are going on-well, better from
her lips than yours, right?”
There is nothing more pathetic
than giving your friends tips on how to make you sound better in front of an ex.
If I heard some shit like that I’d just go “Good. She finally moved out of her
parents place. Fucking her in her childhood bed was a drag!” How about having
your friends with you and just having fun, not using them as tools against the
guy you probably spent months bitching to them about?
“Be gracious. So he
dumped you and broke your heart and you are just finally taking the 10 pounds on
cupcakes off? Don’t let him hear about it. Don’t let him hear about the grudges
you hold, and in fact, don’t let him hear too much. Make your time with him short,
sweet, and gracious, and don’t monopolize his time over the curse of the
evening.”
But…but you just told
women to have their friends update him on everything going on in your life! Now
he’s not supposed to know anything that’s going on? I’m pretty sure that he
knows that you still are pissed at him because of the alcohol you were told to
drink earlier. Either that or one of your gaggle of friends spilled the beans.
“Hit the dance floor
(but not the karaoke machine). Have fun. Especially if you are at a party of a
social gathering, make sure every move you make doesn’t revolve around his presence
in the room, no matter how difficult that may be. Love to dance with your
girlfriends? Do it. Just don’t try too hard to look like the life of the party
if that’s not who you normally re. Believe us-he’ll notice. And not in a good
way.”
Assuming that you’ve
drank already if you are dancing with your female friends then you are the life
of the party whether you know it or not. Some guy that you don’t even know is
there is recording you and going to beat off to it later. This is if you are
dancing like a lot of drunk girls dance which is reaching 3rd base
on the dance floor. If you are getting freaky with your friends your ex is
probably thinking “Oh, of course now she wants to fuck Tina after we’ve split!”
“Make a perfectly timed exit. Just because he’s staying till the end doesn’t mean you need to. Time
your exit so it looks like you have better things to do. Because if you think
about it, you probably do. And they don’t include him.”
Which translates to you
drunkenly going “This place is dead! I have better things to do and I am
leaving right now! Where…where’s my cell phone?! Has anyone seen my cell
phone?! Hey, stop looking at my tits, you dick!” and then vomiting on that new
dress you got to make dude jealous. If you are going to a party and your ex is
going to be there…your ex is just going to be there. You don’t have to have any
interaction with him. Just go have fun, you fucking weirdo.
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