Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016

I came this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.

Dante Bitches About 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys

There is this bullshit article on Cosmo that I found because I am done writing my blogs for the day and felt like being bothered so I went there. There was one called 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys and I am hoping it was written by a 16 year old girl whose longest relationship was three weeks and not a grown ass woman. Just checked the writers bio. She is a woman that is the sex and relationships editor on their site which explains so much.

I was going to write a 12 Things That All Men Hate About Chicks but that wouldn't make any sense. It would make less sense than what will follow this paragraph. I don't represent all men or even a small percentage of them. I am a freak. Not the bragging kind like “Oh, I am so different than any other man you have met” but more like a “Oh, god, I am so different than any other man you have met please help me because if you treat me like any other man you've met chances are this won't last long!” Ask me again why I'm single. Ask me!!!

Dante Bitches About Glamour Magazine Women Of The Year Complaints

Some people use their anger or hatred like a shotgun. They will be mad at one thing and end up buck-shooting something that was a little bit too close. I'm more of a sniper with mine. I focus, aim, and go after one topic. Glamour magazine released their Women Of The Year for 2015 and people have been losing their shit for a multitude of reasons because of this. Some because they hate transgenders. Some because they hate anything Jenner/Kardashian related. Some because they do not believe that Caitlyn Jenner should be included in the category of Woman Of The Year.

Don't get it twisted. This isn't Time magazine. It's fucking Glamour. I won't say it doesn't matter because it is a fashion magazine or whatnot but I get upset when they make Batman's cape too short but I will say...it doesn't matter. One writer who wrote a post that was full of all the anger said “By choosing Jenner as woman of the year, Glamour endorses the idea that men are better at being women than we are.” She also mentioned ovulating and having four daughters who I hope do not inherit her anger. She also pointed out the example of “Martine Rothblatt, a transgender woman, graced the cover of New York Magazine as highest-paid female CEO in the nation. Apparently real women can't cut it, so we've got to import men into our ranks to win awards.”

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2015

People Magazine has released their Sexiest Man Alive nonsense and of course I'm not happy with it. 40 year old David Beckham won which is bullshit because his first name is not Ryan and his last name is not Gosling. He pulled the humble shit that people that win this type of award tend to when he was told that he had received this. “It's a huge honor. And I'm very pleased to accept.” As if he would say “Nah. I'm good.”

“I never feel that I'm an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don't ever think of myself that way.” Shut up your lying liar that lies! To me Beckham is a guy that played soccer, or professional kickball to the rest of the world, and then married a Spice Girl. Not even the hottest one either. Its Scary Spice in case you're wondering. Fuck, that woman is hot. Anyhoot, I used to see his mug on all the British tabloids when I worked at the porn shop and thought “Fuck this guy. He's throwing off the curve.” Then I heard him talk and felt better.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Advice

Whenever I feel like angering my blood I know I can just go to Cosmo online and check out their advice column. They tend to give very long winded answers to questions I would answer in five seconds if a friend asked me. So I bitch about it. That is what this is. This time there were two that stood out. The way this goes is someone will ask a question, some Cosmo writer that hates women or is a social justice warrior will respond, and then I put in my two cents. Got it? No? You need more coffee.

Dante Bitches About Elle Decor

The family pictured above is not the actual family discussed in this post. Dashuh sent me an article from Elle Decor in which a writer by the name of Sarah Scott talked about the pain of having to make a huge sacrifice to have her dream home. I will include parts of her post in this. When I first read it I thought it was a gag article. When Dashuh first sent it I wondered why the comment section was on fire because of a woman talking about what she and her husband had to do to get their dream home. Then I read it and my eyes were rolling so much that it was hard to focus on what I was reading.

By the way, I will say that Dashuh does not support the views expressed in the article because she is a logical human being.

“We built a luxury dream home but can only afford to have two children. Most people do not understand this statement.”

This is very true. Most of us are smart enough to never say that out loud to friends let alone write about it in a widely read magazine (online). I mean, who still reads magazine? What is this? 1998? Also, what is this “luxury” you speak of? Does it come in bacon flavor?

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Relationship Advice

Cosmo is a site that I go to when I am finished ironing all my clothes, cleaning my apartment, getting my pubes on fleek, and doing everything else a grown ass man should be doing. There is this guy on there that answers relationship question that folks send in named Logan Hill that I've bitched about before because he tends to take a while to answer a simple question. I'm gonna do the same thing again where I take what someone asked and put his reply and then mine. I'll be shortening his replies because fuck all that. Its my blog.

Question: My boyfriend is a terrible sleeper. He tosses and turns all night, and he claims that he sleeps worse when I am there. Because of this, he only invites me to stay over on the two nights a week that he doesn't have to get up for work in the morning so we can sleep in. I hate leaving him to go home when it's a work night. It makes me wonder how we will ever eventually live together or get married if he hates sharing a bed so much. Is this normal?

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2015

For years now Maxim has put out their list of the Hot 100. Its been pretty bullshit but this year they've gone too far. They tend to pick someone that is hot at the moment or a flash in the pan. You remember who was number one last year? It was Candice Swanepoel and she is way down on the list now. Do you even remember what she looks like?

I didn't until I looked for that image. And this list becomes automatic bullshit not just for the fact that Taylor Swift is number one but because Ronda Rousey is nowhere on it. You telling me that millions of men voted and Rousey, the undefeated UFC women champion who has also been in one of the highest grossest movie this year Furious 7 and on the cover of Sports Illustrated and hot ass chick didn't get enough votes to crack this list? I call major bullshit.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Most Beautiful Person 2015

People's Magazine has released their new Most Beautiful Person and as usual I disagree with it. Actually, last year I didn't have a problem. It was Lupita and she is hot. But this is supposed to be about the content of their character and not just their looks. I think. Rihanna got this one year so that can't all be true. That woman is rotten to the core. This years winner is Sandra Bullock. As soon as I found out I asked “Is she coming out with a movie or something?” and of course she is. There was no other reason to hand this...honor unless she was.

When she was told she won she said “Real beauty is quiet. Especially in this town, it's just so hard not to say, 'Oh, I need to look like that.' No, be a good person, be a good mom, do a good job with the lunch, let someone cut in front of you who looks like they're in a bigger hurry. The people I find most beautiful are the ones who aren't trying.” Says the pretty person. I'm a dick so I translate everything she said to this. “If you are hot things are easier in a lot of ways. I don't have to be a good person but if I am hot and nice people will like me more because hot people tend to be mean. Because they're hot. Also, let assholes have their way. If they wanna go faster than they should, let them. Maybe they'll die in a horrible wreck.”

And that “Oh, I need to look like that” thing she says about “this town” meaning Los Angeles bugs me. Leave. Everyone that hates being here leave! All the people that look “like that” aren't even from here.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo 12 Things a Guy Thinks Article

I hate Cosmo. Besides thinking that it is secretly run by gay men that hate women and want them to hate themselves I also think it is run by women that think men are idiots and post articles pretending to be men that say idiotic things women and men believe. I saw this article called 12 Things a Guy Thinks When You Sit On His Face that was allegedly written by a guy. I am not gonna post all twelve things because each one is equally stupid.

And by the way, I didn't pick that picture of Nicki Minaj. They did. That is the picture they choose to discuss what men think about when a woman is sitting on their faces. The picked a chick with a scary fake ass making a scary face singing what only I can imagine is a scary song. Some of you only clicked on this link because of that picture. Every chair she sits on becomes a throne of lies. I am gonna write a few things that I have thought because I can only speak for other men when it comes to mistakes. And the picture I use is way hotter. Let's begin.

Dante Bitches About Us Magazine (Renee Zellweger Caught In Crossfire)

Renee Zellweger has a new and different look. That is a nice way of saying that she looks like a new human being. When Miss J. posted a picture on her Facebook if she hadn't said who it was in the picture it would have taken a long time for me to guess this was actually Renee. I am using her first name because fuck typing that long ass name out.

Now, I am not against plastic surgery most times. When I hear people I know that want to get it I just nod and silently disagree. Most surgery that you choose to get like a nose job or some kind of nip and tucking you have to do it more than once. You don't have it done, look great, and spend the rest of your life happy as hell. Most things people want to change make them special. 

Your nose can be a little crooked or big and it makes you cute. Get it changed and you'll start wondering why you don't get compliments anymore. There are far too many examples of celebrities and singers changing their face and having to deal with the results. There is upkeep involved, especially if it looks bad.

Welcome to bad.

After Miss J. posted the picture I went online to read about it. US Magazine which is known for garbage and straight up lying wrote about Renee at a recent red carpet event. Now, she has stayed out of the public for a while and I think I know why.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive 2014

Most times when I bitched about magazines ranking one particular woman over another it is with outrage. I get mad whenever Rihanna is number one on any list. This time Esquire came out where their Sexiest Woman Alive 2014 and my reaction what more of “...what?” rather than “What?!” The winner, if you want to call her that, is Penelope Cruz.

And I don't get it.

Of course everyone has their own definition of what is sexy and what makes someone sexy. Cruz isn't sexy to me at all. She never has been. I've seen quite a few of her movies and not once did I ever think “Wow, this is a sexy woman.” I never even thought that she was all that talented. Apparently there are a shit ton of people that disagree with me.

I read the interview with her and it is all about bullfighting. Not her watching it. Not her doing it. Not her taking about it. But the writer of the article needed to fill space so he wrote more about bullfighting and what Cruz ate more than anything.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex

I love looking at Cosmo online just because it gives me a glimpse into a part of the world that I'm not a part of meaning the world where people attempt to have relationships with other individuals in a sexual nature. I saw this post called 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex and laughed because they added the “Real” part because I always accuse this site of either being written by gay men that hate women or someone just making shit up. This is supposed to be for chicks to read but whatever. Guys don't read my blog so here ya go, ladies. This is what they wrote with my comments as well.

“We know what women want (one word: Gosling), but what is your man dying for during sex, but is too shy to communicate? We asked real men what they secretly want girls to do in the sack...”

SUCK IT UP

“Easy. More blow jobs.” -Mike S.

This guy is straight to the point. I've written before about the trouble with asking for a blowjob and how there seems to be no polite way to ask for one. You just sit there and hope it happens or play your own sexual version of Press Your Luck. No Whammy! I can't think of a guy running around turning down blowjobs unless they keep getting bad ones.

Dante Bitches About British GQ Woman Of The Year

You ever see something that is so confusing that your eyes cross? I do. This morning while trolling the internets in my semi-insomonia fueled haze I saw that porn star Kim Kardashian was awarded Woman Of The Year by the British GQ Magazine. Now, British versions of magazines tend to have fucked up ratings when it comes to women in the first place. But to have Kim as the woman of the year? Come on now. Here is what they wrote.

“It's been quite the year for Mrs Kardashian West. She gave birth to her first child, North West, married her rapper boyfriend, Kanye, in one of the most lavish ceremonies on record, and made the transition from 'just another' reality TV star to bona fide media sensation. It wouldn't be wrong to claim that, right now, she's the most famous woman in the world. Even Obama talks about her. It wouldn't be wrong, either, to say she's redefined the meaning of pop culture in the mere space of 12 months.”

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Sex Advice

I was trolling around and stumbled across a Cosmo advice column. People write in and ask a question an Logan Hill answers. The question that was asked was short but, my god, was his response long. I am gonna try to trim a lot of what he said but keep the spirit of his answer because you don't want to read all of his bullshit. I say that now but watch how long my response ends up being.

Question: My boyfriend asked me - yes, asked me - for a blow job, and I suggested sex instead. He started a huge fight because I declined his blow job request and said something about how I never give him BJs. Actually, I had given him one two nights before. Why was it such a big deal that he started a fight over a blow job? And how do I stop it from happening in the future without just giving him a BJ every day?

Logan: Obviously, saying no is no big deal - you're right about that. It's your right to give blow jobs at a time and place of your choosing. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything against your desire. There's no blow job-per-week quota. And I think we can all agree that a counter-offer of actual sex is a pretty reasonable compromise. But that wasn't your question. You asked: Why was it such a big deal to your boyfriend?

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Men Articles

While chatting with someone who had posted an article from Cosmo featuring a “plus size” model I got to thinking about how much I hate Cosmo. I found an article titled 16 Things You Think He Cares About But Really Doesn't that is allegedly written by a guy. I say that because most of the articles done by this site and magazine seem to be geared towards women who already hate themselves and need that extra little push to go into full blown hating their bodies mode or actually have confidence and need it knocked down a little bit.

I found that this one actually had some things that are true so I will be fair in my responses while writing this. Kinda fair. Nothing is 100% fair. Not even 69's. Some people are just greedier than others, folks.

1. If you don't shave your legs every day. You might notice a bit of stubble coming in, but he sure as hell doesn't. You can let it go a couple days, a couple weeks, whatever. He's not going to notice, and even if he does, all he cares about is that your pants are off.

Or...you are wearing shorts. There are plenty of times a woman's legs are showing that involve her pants being across the room on a pile of clothes neither of you want to pick up because you're too busy getting bizzay. I have had chicks say “I haven't shaved...” as if that is some kind of deterrent. Please. Your legs could be on fire and I'll still want to touch them. If a guy complains because your legs haven't been shaved start complaining about his balls that look like a briar patch. If he doesn't know what a briar patch is kick him out the house. 

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2014

Maxim released their Hot 100 2014 list and they managed to piss me off right from the start. I actually voted this time and I take this more seriously than presidential elections. Why? Because shut up. I just do. They allegedly take the votes from readers and come up with these results and pick a winner and just like the presidential elections I think its rigged. I have a pretty good grasp of pop culture so I am so damned confused when there are women on these lists that I never even knew existed let alone popular enough to make the top 100.

Coming it at 100 is Rebecca Garcia. Who in the blue hell is this woman?! There are a bunch of other women I've never heard of which already is making me nervous from the start. Some of the pictures they use for this don't help. They have Iggy Azalea at 96 which is total bullshit. I'm not a fan of her as a performer and that isn't what this list is about. But she is a damn fine looking woman. Is her ass fake? Likely. Do I care? Not at the moment.

Clueless reenactment for the win!

Poor Gal Godat who is supposed to be the next Wonder Woman can't catch a break. She is ranked 84 on this list. Seriously, as a producer of the movies that will star her I'd be really nervous. That she can't crack even the top 50 in any list. They have this wrestler named Eva Marie at 84 which is so many levels of bullshit. I don't care what anyone says, she is not the business. She looks puzzled or mean to mean in every picture I see. Gabrielle Union is 81 which means that every other woman on this list needs to look great because she is so the pants tightener. Holy shit. Tightener is a word!