Dante Vs Nature 30

If you hate spiders, stop reading this right now. I don't hate them. I think they are freaks but I don't hate them. They look cool. Have eight arms for no goddamn reason. They shit stuff that traps food and makes us look crazy when we walk into it. Freaks. But lots of people are afraid of them. Throughout this post I'll show various images of cute animals to try and soothe your nerves. Seriously. Stop reading this if you hate spiders!

You still here? Ha! You see all them other cowards run? Look at them curling up with their binky afraid of something that they are millions of times larger than. Anyway, this guy named Graeme Lougher pictured above had a spider crawl into his ear. Yeah. That happened! While getting ready for work a one inch spider said “Fuck this, I want McDonald's too!” and crawled all up in his head parts!

Aww...

Settle down. Because it gets way worse. So dude heads to the doctor because, well, fuck nature, and tells the doctor that something from a fucking Stephen King novel is happening to him for real's. Doctors get these kinda things all the time by the way. Its better in your ear than in your butt I say...to all the ladies. Ask me again why I'm single. Anyhoot, the doctor pulls out some tweezers to remove this beast and things go from bad to “There is no God!”

Awwwww...

The doctor managed to pull the spider from his ear just fine but the spider decided that since it wasn't getting its snack on that it should find a new place to live. Like his nose! That's right! This fucking thing rushed up this poor guy's nose! My feet are itching just writing this!

He's made of poof!

So now instead of having a spider in his ear which would be a cool Disney film and give him great life advice, he has it in his nose. The nurse freaks the fuck out as she should and he rushes to a sink to try and blow it out. The spider wasn't having any of that and clung on tighter. Eventually he snorted it into the sink, blood coming from his nostril. The really fucked up part other than, you know, having a spider crawl in your ear and then up your nose is that Lougher already had a fear of spiders.

They smoochin'! Awww...

“I’m certainly going to be so careful now when putting on every piece of clothing. I thought I was getting over my fear of spiders but this will set me right back.” Oh, and this gets better since it happened around Halloween. “It’s the worst time of year for it too, with all the Halloween decorations reminding me. I never got to see the spider before it had run across my face and shot straight up my left nostril. It happened so fast. The spider seemed to get up as high as the bridge of my nose and kept moving in there.”

Ze kitteh wantz to playz!

He is okay now...physically. Emotionally he has to be fucked. I've stepped on dead birds and bugs barefoot before (don't ask) and for the rest of the day everything I step on is a dead bird or bug. Is that a sock I just walked on? No! Its a dead bird! Someone is leaving dead birds around the house! What the fuck kinda world do I live in where dead birds are left in homes?! Sorry. Got carried away.

“I was trying to sniff it into my throat and finally managed to blow it out, landing in the sink. It felt horrific” Lougher later said while likely fighting back tears. I go H.A.M on nature when its in my home. But I've never had it in my body. At least as far as I know. Fuck me. I am all itchy now. Thanks, Dante!

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature.