Dante Vs. Nature 81

I went to a circus when I was about 10 or 11. Know what I thought? “Wow elephants are huge!” and “Wow elephants stink!” Circuses suck but at least the animals are doing things. Yeah, things they shouldn't be doing but they are doing things. You go to a zoo and the animals are asleep, invisible, or just staring at you wondering why you wasted sixty bucks to feed them grass. What the hell am I even talking about? Bears and circuses. This circus in Russia has bear performances and recently the bear remembered what it was and tried to eat this man like groceries. I watched the video and thought “Well...yeah.” The guy is walking behind the bear and the bear turns around like he said something about its mothers and takes him to the ground. Another guy jumps in and starts kicking the bear just like you're taught to do when a bear is attacking. 

Or just lay there and play dead. Yeah, that's it. Kick it until its calm or play dead until its tired of eating your booty.

If you've seen the video you'll see that there is no fencing around the tiny ass area where this happened. These people thought it was a good idea to go see a bear on a leash with no fence or anything around. Cool. The bear had a muzzle on so the guy didn't get eaten alive and is fine. That's like saying the opponent is fine because Mike Tyson was wearing boxing gloves. The bear and the trainer were both fired after this incident. How the fuck do you fire a bear? They say flash photography may have startled the bear setting it off. Yeah. I'm sure that's what happened. Or...its a bear on a leash in a room full of food. That's like locking me a See's factory after hours. Things are gonna be messy the next day. Next time someone invites you to see animals perform just don't go. Its never as fun as it looks on TV and you're only really going to see exactly what these people saw.

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Dante Vs. Nature 80

Hello, creep. Hey, boneface crawly bug. You think this is cute, huh? Fuck this thing. You all know that me and nature have a deal: I stay away you stay away. This thing decided that it wanted to look like the personification of human death so fuck it. This is a caterpillar that becomes the Pink Underwing Moth. Cool name, dude. Probably made by the same person that created the name of a fly and an orange. A lot of blank stares, “um...”, and finger snapping. It can have wings up to six inches in width which I don't like. At all. I like my bugs being less than two inches. When they start passing that they are now a nuisance and try to look weird or do cute shit to distract me. Or get pink shit growing on it. “I'm just a cute butterfly!” it cries. No! I saw you when you was a baby. It is like when people marry someone and they find out they had surgery only after they have a baby that looks the same upside down and backwards.

And guess what? It's from Australia! Oh, surprise of surprises! The place where even the trees scream to ward off humanity. They are endangered so I guess I should pretend to care. Nah. Most weird insects will look like snakes, birds, or other animals to scare predators away. This one was like “I'm gonna look like a man's skull. Yeah. That's my plan.” Nope. So much nope. If I saw this shit in nature (which means I am terribly lost, peed stained, and sweaty) I would shit myself so hard it'd cause physical pain.

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Dante Vs. Nature 79

This is a cute ass looking ant. It's called a Panda Ant or if you one of those fancy folks it is known as Euspinolia militaris. I know you might think this I a cute half-assed Pokemon but in fact it is not even an ant. It is a wingless wasp! Its known as a panda ant because it, well, looks like a panda and an ant. The lady versions have thicker fur and no wings. The do not live in colonies like other insects choose to but rather stay alone. Oh, and they are also known as “cow killer” because their stings are so painful they can knock out an actual cow. These are found in Chilean forests which is awesome for me because I have never been there and likely never will so I don't have to worry about them biting my ass while I rest. Wait. They are found in the Southwest too? Fuck that. This monster wasn't discovered by some poor unfortunate soul until the 1930's. The males of the species get their creep on at night while the ladies get down during the day. They lay their eggs in a nest of another insect, their babies hatch, and immediately start eating the other insects. Little bastards.

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Dante Vs. Nature 78

Bearded Vulture. Hey, look at me! I'm a living nightmare! There are enough creatures to keep me out of the water, the land is barely tolerable, and now I gotta worry about this bullshit up in the sky. This looks like something a kid with parents going through a nasty divorce would draw. Like a straight up creature from a movie. Look at that shit. I don't like it. Their wingspan can be anywhere between seven and a half to nine feet in length and fuck every foot of that. The old name for this is bone breaker which is not a name that should be used outside of porn. Their diet consists 90% of bone. Just straight up eating bones. What the fuck just sits there eating bones? This monster. They find bones, no matter how old they are, and just fly high and drop them to the ground. 

They also kill all kinds of things but tortoises seem to be their favorite to pick up off the ground and drop to their death. They also eat smaller birds by beating them to death with their wings. Wings are to get places for birds. They aren't like their arms or anything. It would be like using your bike to kill dinner. These live for about 21 years and in captivity can live to be 45 so...yeah. Thankfully these little assholes don't live here in the U.S otherwise that whole Blaxit thing would start sounding better. They have some in Africa too? Shit. Even the bible says these are not birds you should eat. I can't get down with any bird I can't eat.

Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature. 

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

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Dante Vs. Nature 75

You are looking at the image of a killer named Gerald. I heard this story on a podcast and thought that they were making it up but it turns out that a damned giraffe killed a man. I have seen them fight each other but seriously thought they posed zero threat to humans. I was wrong. I even checked how many people have been killed by giraffes. Zero. I just see them chasing people or them doing that stupid fighting that they do where they throw their necks at one another. A South African director named Carlos Carvalho was killed by Gerald after being headbutted. 

His focus puller named Drikus van der Merwe said “I was standing right next to Carlos when the giraffe suddenly swung its neck and hit him on his head above his ear and sent him flying about four or five meters through the air.” That's 12 to 15 feet and a far ass distance to be launched by a headbutt. He added “It came out of nowhere and Carlos didn’t even see it coming. He wasn't aware of the danger.” Yeah. That's nature for you. 

Its strange how people and nature work. If this was a dog it would be shot and killed. If it were a whale people would find reasons why it attacked. But a giraffe? Ain't nobody trying to take out a giraffe. A spokesperson for the location where people can come and film and photograph these animals said “He was unauthorised to film. He went off on his own. He wanted to get some shots to prove a point. He was trying to excel. Gerald was not to blame and would not be put down. We are not going to shoot Gerald. He was not in the wrong. I don't consider him to be a dangerous animal.” Apparently just this past Monday a lion attacked and killed his owner and as put down because of it. “He's just a huge wild animal and the guy disobeyed safety regulations. I'm very sad for his family. But I'm not one of those people who blames the animals.” 

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Dante Vs. Nature 74

Nature loves showing up and saying to me “You think the ocean is spooky? Meet this!” And by this I mean a Crinoid and by Crinoid I mean this feather star. I don't like it one bit. Look at it. Just floating in the sea being strange as shit. It lives in super deep water (30,000 feet) and shallow water because fear knows no depth. Their mouth is located on top that leads to a gut that is U-shaped. And get this. Their booty hole is right next to their mouth! Talk about shitting where you eat. Most have more than five arms and the versions of these with stalks use it to attach to shit but once they grow up they leave. Like adults should. If I were swimming (which means my yacht has been irreparably damaged and I have fallen into the sea) and saw this I would cry ugly tears. Sexy, ugly tears.

Dante Vs. Nature 73

Nature needs to cut that weird shit out. Recently I found out about two new insects and I don't like it. People like discovering new things in life but I'm not one of 'em. This thing Eriovixia gryffindori is a spider named after Gryffindor from the Harry Potter series because it looks like the sorting hat used. 

Look at this freak. It was first discovered two years ago in south-western India and it can stay right there as far as I'm concerned. It looks like it could bark. I bet it barks. There ain't shit known about it because it is new but rest assured that it will do some freaky shit I'm not comfortable with. I don't wanna see something in nature that looks like something from a crazy ass kids book. Plus it looks sneaky. Like it would whisper shit about you after you left the room. Just a feeling I have. 

Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Dante Vs. Nature 71

One of the reasons I am glad that I do these blogs other than the fact that it keeps me indoors is that I find out some interesting things about nature. And by interesting I mean terrifying. I just read a story about a guy in Texas that tried to shoot an armadillo. Yes. I said tried. It is reported that around 3am, which is the bitching hour, dude saw an armadillo in his yard and decided that it didn't belong there. So he took three shots at the damned thing.

One of the bullets bounced off the armadillo and hit his dumb ass in the jaw. He had to be airlifted to a hospital and had his mouth wired shut. I'm sure his wife who was inside is full of all the shame. A sheriff stated “We didn't find the armadillo” which means that there is a goddamn bulletproof armadillo running around the streets of Texas! I think if I saw an armadillo I would wait for it to curl into a ball. If it didn't I'd just shrug and walk away. Sure as fuck wouldn't take a shot at it.

Dante Vs. Nature 70

Bombardier beetle. Haha. Well played nature. Make a bug that can shoot explosions out of its ass. Makes perfect sense. This insect version of a frat boy or three year old (which are mysteriously gassy!) can even choose what direction they want to shoot this shit at you. It keeps two chemicals, hydroquinone and hydrogen peroxide, loaded in the chamber and once it is ejected the air makes it become an explosion. 

Oh, and in case you think I'm just worrying for nothing these things live everywhere except Antarctica. These baby monsters hunt at night consuming other bugs using its natural shotgun powered ass. And its not like this thing hits you once and escapes like a Black teenager. No. This stores enough ass bullets to get you about twenty times which is enough to kill most of what it is hunting for. You should see the video of these goddamn things. Its not like some little “pewn!” comes out. It'd be like running up on a kid thinking you can steal their candy and they whip out a weapon from Fallout. I also don't like that it looks like other insects. Is it a bee? A wasp? (shoots fire) Nope. 

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Dante Vs. Nature 69

For anyone that says “God doesn't make mistakes!” I present to you Trichobatrachus robustus aka Hairy Frog aka Wolverine Frog! This fucking thing looks like something out of a Guillermo Del Toro film. When not in scare the shit out of travelers mode its claws sit in its back feet. But when it wants to give you a story to talk about when you get home looking different they pop out of its hands. They don't even come out of normal claw places either. The shits come out of its palms. It breaks its own bones just to defend itself. Its the same shit that frat boys or lunatics do but instead of ripping off their shirt to flash their barbed wire tattoo they smash their hands into glass and use that glass as a weapon. It'd be like high-fiving a demon and I don't need that stress in my life.

Dante Vs. Nature 68

See this shit? Its a Flamboyant Cuttlefish. And I don't like it one bit. Makes me nervous and represents everything that is fucked up about going into the water. This type is the only one that walks on the sea floor. Know why? Cause its a fatty fatty fat fat. It can float for moments and then sinks its strange looking ass right back down. There are other fish that walk and I'll get to them eventually (I'm looking at you, red lipped batfish!). These things live nowhere near me which is good for both of us. They don't get much bigger than about two and a half inches which is awesome because when I see weird shit and imagine it larger I just think of that Korean film The Host and I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Dante Vs. Nature 67

A few days ago I watched this cool ass special about plants that ate insects and sometimes rodents on PBS as suggested by Camille. While watching all these goofy ass insects I got stuck in a Wikipedia hole and wondered which insects hurt the most when they stung us. The second worse is called a tarantula hawk or as I say “churanchula” hawk. Fuck this thing. Ain't a tarantula or a hawk! 

Its about two inches long and gets its name because it paralyzes an actual tarantula and then drags its stupid body to its nest and lays its eggs inside of the spiders abdomen. When the babies are hatched they eat the tarantula for a long time making sure to keep it alive as long as possible. They are then big enough to burst out the spider because nature isn't scary enough so it decided that you should be walking through a jungle one day, spot a dead tarantula, and suddenly these things come exploding out of its body. Tarantula hawks are known as something called nectarivorous and will eat fermented fruit till they get drunk and can't fly. Yeah. That's just what I thought the world was missing. Flying death bugs that are turnt. They say that the best way to handle being stung by one of these is to just lay somewhere and scream. I'm dead serious. They says its because when you are in that much pain you are gonna be acting eleven kinds of stupid and should just chill the fuck out. And scream. The sting won't kill you but you will just wish you were.

Dante Vs. Nature 66

Nature is like a god that will only send you to hell if you worship it. “That doesn't make sense” someone just said. No. You don't make sense. Much like nature. I saw a bat online and immediately said “Fuck you!” to it and decided to look up some other bats. Out of these three I only knew of the existence of one of them. Its the Megabat. Just by the name alone you know its trouble. This punk ass thing has a wingspan of almost six fucking feet. That is not fair. 

They say it only eats fruit but I think they are lying. They do not use echolocation like most bats instead having a great sense of smell instead. See, that way they can smell your fear and snatch you away from your adventurous friends on that stupid ass hike they convinced you to go on. You know how many people have died and the last thing they heard was “Oh, don't worry. It only eats fruit and bugs”? I don't know either. But I bet its in the dozens. Oh, and get this. They are reservoirs for the ebola virus. You even know what the fuck that means? It means they carry the shit but show no signs of it. Assholes. Flying in the air with they little dingalings just flapping in the breeze. Its gross!

Dante Vs. Nature 65

Sometimes I found out about an animal that use to exist and I go “Good. Now I can go to sleep.” An animal that I found about recently made me think this and it is known as an Entelodont or as its more widely known as a “hell pig” or “terminator pig.” Fuck this thing. I know I am getting mad at something that isn't real. Now you know how I feel when people curse the devil. 

This monster lived in North America, Asia, and Europe millions and millions ago so I'm pretty sure I'll sleep fine. It ate meat and plants and has been compared to vultures. So it would, like, stumble upon dead things and just start eating them. The big ass ones lived in Europe and North America and could get up to 6 foot 9 standing. Fuck every inch of that. It had a brain the size of an orange so I'm sure it was a completely docile creature. They, and by “they” I mean scientists that would probably recreate this monster if possible, say that this was closer related to whales and hippos than pigs. That don't even make sense. Are whales and hippos closely related? To the internets! Never mind. Its just some research papers with nerds arguing over DNA an' shit. I'll just stay happy that its gone. And next...mountain lions.

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Dante Vs. Nature 64

Stargazer Fish

You see this thing? Fuck this thing. This is a Stargazer Fish. I never knew this thing existed until today and I could've lived the rest of my life not knowing that this thing lived in the sea. The ocean is already this place where everything that the bible describes will show up when the Rapture arrives lives. Just imagine going deep sea diving and everything is going well. You and your foolish spouse decide that it is a good idea to put oxygen tanks on your backs and go searching for...stuff. I don't know what people do underwater except pray. You look down and this goddamn thing is staring up at you. How quickly would your ass go flying up back to the surface? Too fast. Next thing you know you got the bends. You don't even wanna know what that shit is.

Dante Vs. Nature 63

I saw this story and laughed my ass off. I thought it was fake but triple checked and this shit is way true and proof that nature is a bitch with a bad sense of humor. This Chicago alderman named Howard Brookins Jr. has been very vocal about the squirrels in the city ruining the garbage cans and costing the city money but damaging the trash lids. One of the squirrels wasn't having that shit anymore and decided to take one for the team by launching its crazy little ass into his bike spokes while he was riding. I'm not kidding. Its in that picture all up in the spokes.

Brookins ended up with a broken nose, knocked out teeth, and fractured skull after he ended up flipping over the handlebars. I've done that shit before but I was a little kid. Not a grown ass man. And certainly not attacked by a woodland creature. Someone called 911 for him likely after calming down from laughing. “I can think of no other reason for this squirrel's actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge.” I would say he sounded like a lying liar who lies but there is too much evidence that this squirrel was out for blood.

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Dante Vs. Nature 62

I don't want to really travel. I live in a great state where I can experience any new form of weather by heading in a direction for an hour. I also know what to expect from animals. The tend to stay where they should. Yeah, once in a while a mountain lion will snatch a pet up or a bear will stroll through Sylmar, but for the most part they know their place. But not in Bangkok. This 38 year old guy named Attaporn Boonmakchuay was using a squat toilet (another reason why I won't travel) when suddenly his dick was attacked. No, not by an overly excited wife or a jealous girlfriend. But by a 10 foot goddamn python!

He says that he fought to remove the python from his dick for thirty minutes with the help of his wife and a neighbor. I don't even have a friend that I am close enough to where I'd help do this. Let me be specific. A male friend. I'd yank a snake off a female friends vajayjay in the hopes of putting another one in. Yeah. I'm single. His wife eventually tied a rope around the python while Attaporn (whose name sounds like what I say when I finish watching a good clip on Pornhub) pried the jaws from his dick and promptly passed right the fuck out.