Dante Vs. Nature 34

You see this thing?! Fuck this thing! There is no reason for a snail to be this goddamn big ever! I don't like this shit for one single second. I don't like regular snails. They are slimy, weird, and leave a trail wherever they go. They're the insect version of that guy named Stephen that you know. Everyone knows a Stephen that hates when you call him Steve. Hey. How about getting a regular name, Stephen! You freak. As I was saying, fuck these things.

They are called giant African land snails or GALS for short because, honestly, you women don't get blamed for enough bad shit in the world. How did something from Africa get all the way to Florida? Because crazy likes crazy. They were first discovered here in the U.S in 1966 by some scientist who probably screamed “The shit is this fuck?!” and then ran home in his lab coat. Florida is being wrecked by these. They are the George Zimmerman of nature and plants are their Trayvon Martin. They destroy it freely and move on to cause damage elsewhere.

These bastards lay about 200 eggs five to six times a year. Using my LAUSD math that means that they have about three million hell babies a year! Back in September of 2011 they were found in Florida and some hillbilly probably cooked them. “Hey, mama! Want another slice of sea bacon?!” The state has tried lots of methods to get rid of them from lacing their bait Dateline NBC style to dogs. Poor dogs get the shit end of the stick with so many things in life. “After two years of battling this invasive and destructive pest, we are confident that we will win this fight” Commissioner Putnam said in the most convincing voice he could muster in the face of pure evil. “We're now using a more effective bait and, with the help of canine detector teams, we're able to detect snails in areas that were previously difficult to access.”

Now, even stranger than the fact that these things have popped back up in Florida is that they were brought here from some kids coming home from Hawaii. Wait. You can't even bring a good sized bottle of lotion on a plane ride, but a snail the size of my fucking foot is okay?! Goddamn kids, I swear. They're gonna ruin everything. What the actual fuck is going on here?!

"It followed me home. Can we keep it?!"

Oh, and in addition to eating all the plants and just skeeving me right the fuck out of my skin they also carry a parasitic rat lungworm. “The parasite can be transferred to slugs, and snails in the 3rd larval stage; it has also been found in flatworms. Humans pick up the parasite by ingesting slugs/slug slime contaminated fruits/vegetables/water or raw or undercooked slugs, snails, mollusks, prawns and monitor lizards. Humans are a dead end host, the parasite will not develop to sexual maturity and may live for up to a year in the human body but will eventually die.”

So if you take anything from this post its this: don't ever go to Florida. Stop eating vegetables. And if you see a snail kick that fucker right into traffic.

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