Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 1

One time me and my lady Ronica went on a talk show. I didn't want to do it because the host, Juliana Rockwell, always had stories about how many people I slept around with and said a few times that one day I was gonna turn on humanity and destroy the world. I got mad and dropped off three mountain lions in her backyard. No one ever proved that I did it but they knew. Ronica is a huge fan of hers and has been since she was little. She likes to remind me that the first time she ever saw me was on Juliana's show so I should be grateful.

I don't see it that way.

“Should I wear red or black?” Ronica asks me holding up two dresses that would look way hot on her.

“The...black one” I tell her.

“Why?”

“Its slimming” I say. She makes a face at me. “What?”

“'Its slimming'?” she asks me. I nod. “Are you saying I'm fat?”

“No!” I shout. “You aren't that chick so stop trying to be that chick.” She just puts her hands on her hips. “We're gonna be on TV and the camera adds weight. I'm just thinking of you.” She tosses the black dress into the closet, gives me the finger, and smiles. “I love you, too!”

We take a limo to the studio which is stupid because I can fly and I own a buttload of cars myself. On the ride there Ronica won't look at me even though I look amazing. Tight yellow t-shirt, red jeans, and orange Converse. I make it work, trust me. I put my hand on her lap and she moves it away. I groan loud and the limo screeches to a halt.

“Is there danger?!” the driver asks me.

“No!” me and Ronica say at the same time. I go to high-five her and she turns her face back towards the window.

“You gonna leave me hanging?” I ask her. “Ronnie? Ronnie?” I sit back and fold my arms. “Dick.”

“You're the dick” she tells me. “You called me fat.”

“I did not call you fat!”

“You might as well have” she replies which is stupid.

“If I wanted to call you fat I'd call you fat” I say. I don't think I should've said that.

“Thanks” she says.

“Why are you being such a girl?!”

“Because I am a girl!” she screams at me causing the limo to stop again. “No, there's no danger. Keep driving.”

“I know you're a girl” I say. “I'm sorry about the dress stuff. I really was just thinking about you and the cameras and all that. Ronnie? Wanna know a secret?”

“I know all about your fear of belly button lint” she mumbles to me.

“Ssssh...” I tell her. Don't need the world knowing that shit. “When we first made with the sexy time I was nervous.” Ronica looks at me and gives me the People's Eyebrow. “For seriously.”

“I don't believe you” she says.

“When have I ever lied to you don't even begin to answer that question” I say. “I was worried about how you would think of me after having heard all this stuff about me before we even met in person. Who knows what you heard just from Juliana's show?” I scoot a little closer to her and take her hand. She tries to pull it away but not really. “I've never loved someone the way I love you.”

“Except for yourself” she says with a smile.

“Well...naturally.”

“Why are you telling me this story now?”

“Because...” I say “...I don't want you thinking I don't love every inch of your sexy body parts. Look at you. I wanna put you in a pot and make soup and eat you all up. You're put together perfectly. If you were a building I'd live inside of you. I wanna live in you. Can I live in you?” Ronica laughs and covers her mouth.

“That was the worst nicest compliment you've ever given me” she says.

“Stick around” I say. “I'm sure I'll come up with a few more.”

“What's gonna happen when I get fat later?” she asks me.

“Your mom isn't fat” I remind her. “Your mom is hot.”

“My father is fat.” She squints at me. “If you make any comparison between my father's facial hair and me I'll cut you in half.”

“Get out of my head, witch” I say. She slaps my on the shoulder. I lean over and kiss her on the arm.

“What was that?”

“I didn't want to ruin your makeup.”

“I'm not wearing any.”

“You look this good naturally?” I ask. She smiles. “Driver! Pull over! I want to have the sex with this woman!” He actually stops the limo. “I was joking” I tell him. “I can do it while we're moving.”

We arrive at the studio and there's a crowd cheering. The limo can't get through and we're supposed to go on air in about five minutes. Can you guess why we're running late? That's right. Sex. Next question! I open the sunroof and float out of the car. Ronica raises her hand and I gently lift her out until we are both standing on top.

“Where's my bitches?!” I shout to the sky. All the men start cheering. It's a thing. It's a thing that I do. They like it. “Where's all the thugs at?!” The women start barking. I'm not even sure how this even started. “This is my lovely lady, Ronica!” They all cheer for her.

“Hi!” she says and waves.

“Doesn't she look great?” They all cheer. “Even after the sex we just had. You'd never guess that moments ago we were both bare ass nude naked--”

“Walter!” Ronica hisses at me.

“Sorry, I thought that was all in my head.” I kiss her hand. “We'll see you all later. We have an interview to fucking destroy!” Ronica throws her arm over my shoulder and we fly off to everyone going nuts.

I'll tell you about the interview later. Shit got bananas. 

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