Only In Florida 5

This story has everything you'd want with a Florida based tale. Fire. Shotgun to the face. Arrest. Masturbation. Just...everything. Kenneth Haskins, 58, was asked by his apartment management to stop jerking it in front of his window where everyone could see him. No one wants to see a 58 year old masturbating. No one. Not even if you're married to them. Once you see this guys face and imagine him jerking it you're either gonna do like me and crack up laughing and hopefully holding a spot for me in hell or you're gonna feel sad because you have that stuff. What's it called? Oh, right. Sympathy.

He got pissed because he felt that if he wanted to have happy hands in front of his window then damn it he should. So he set the apartment on fire. He set fire to the bedroom and kitchen using some sorta flammable liquid. When found, which couldn't have been that difficult trust me, he told them that the management had recently told him to stop having fun in front of his window and doorway. Wait. Ew. The doorway? That's just foul. He's gonna be charged with arson and no bail has been set because Florida.

28 units had to be evacuated while the fire was put out,no one was injured, but because of ol' Predator face four people are now homeless. The Mar Plaza apartments cater to low-income old people and folks that are disabled--alright, fine! Here's his damned mugshot.

No comment.

Years ago he shot himself in the face with a shotgun. No reason is given. This guy obviously has mental issues that started before he started jacking off in front of people, setting the place on fire, or shooting himself in the face. I'm not sure how laws work in Florida but I assume that he'll quietly be released back into the public. This has all the makings of either the best or worst horror films ever.

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