Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 2

Since we got here late Ronica isn't gonna have a chance to meet Juliana Rockwell before we go live on the air. That's cool with me since I don't really wanna be here. Ronica is smiling and happy so that's cool. I hear some lame ass comedian getting the crowd hype which makes no sense when they know that I'm here. Johnny Panic being anywhere near where you are is a reason to celebrate.

“Are you gloating?” Ronica asks me.

“No?”

“Yes, you are” she says. “You're doing that thing you do when you are very pleased with yourself.”

“What thing?” I ask her.

“Your face does this” she tells me and it looks like she's having a damned fit.

“You look like you're having a damned fit” I tell her. “I can't even begin to make my face do that.”

“Don't worry. Its cute” she assures me. I look into a mirror and try again. She laughs at me.

“Shit on a chocolate cake...” I moan. “It looks like my face is trying to give birth to another face!”

“Then stop.”

“I can't now!” I try to explain to her. Its like masturbating and punching zebras. You can't do it just once. Stupid zebras. Ooh, look at me. I'm striped!

“Are you thinking about zebras again?” Ronica asks me.

“Stupid stripes...”

“Come with me, you two!” some stage person shouts to us. He leads us to a curtain and gives me the once over twice.

“Take it all in, pal” I tell him. He smiles. I wink. Ronica shakes her head. She hates that I play up the gay stuff. She's says I'm being misleading. I've told her that she doesn't know everything about my past. She reminds me that she does. I make a mental note to hotbox her under the sheets later tonight. I hear an announcer scream that Juliana is ready. Bad dubstep starts playing. She changed her theme song last year to appeal to a younger audience. If mom's made dubstep this is what it would sound like. I start humming the theme to Golden Girls.

“Thanks” Ronica says.

“You're welcome. Wait. Thanks for what?”

“Getting that damned theme song stuck in my head” she sighs. “Your heart is true...”

“...you're a friend and a confidante.” I finish. Ronica kisses me on the cheek.

“Get a room” the stage guy says.

“Only if you're paying” I tell him and he gasps and, I shit you not, clutches his chest.

3...2...1...!

“Today we have a very special guest!” Juliana says. The crowd starts chanting my name. “The world's only superhero, Johnny Panic!” More cheers. “We will discuss everything from his love life...” Ooh. “...to his deepest secrets.” Gasps. “We'll be back in a moment!” More cheering. Juliana comes through a curtain and greets us. She is way shorter than I expected but has a massive head. She does the fake cheek kiss thing with Ronica who's pretty much floating off the ground. Then she goes to shake my hand. I consider launching her into the atmosphere but I made a resolution and I'm trying my best to stick with it.

“Thank you so much for actually coming” Juliana tells me.

“What's that supposed--”

“I don't want you to worry about anything” she says. “I'm not gonna attack you or your lovely lady. You look incredible, Rhonda!”

“Uh...” Ronica says.

“And you smell great! What is that perfume?” she asks her.

“I don't remember” she replies. Then she looks at me trying to use mental powers she won't admit to having to keep me from talking.

“I'll see you two in just a moment!” Juliana says and walks away.

“I know what perfume you're wearing” I tell Ronica. “Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex...”

“Thank you for keeping that to yourself” she tells me. “I'm nervous.”

“Don't be” I say and put my arm around her waste, making sure I don't wrinkle her dress. “You're way more interesting than anyone that's ever been on this show.” She looks me in the eyes and smiles and I fucking soak my panties. I love this woman. The show comes back from the break and the crowd is cheering.

“I want to welcome everyone back to the show” Juliana says. “My next guest is one of the most controversial celebrities to ever live!” Ooh. “Please welcome the one, the only, Johnny Panic!” Cheers. The stage dude starts to push me forward while halting Ronica.

“The fuck are you doing?” I ask him. “She's coming with me.”

“Uh, no she isn't” he tells me.

“Uh, yes she is.”

“Its fine, Johnny” Ronica tells me.

“Johnny Panic!” I hear Juliana say again to keep the crowd going.

“No, it ain't!” I say. “Ronica, come on.”

“Johnny, don't hijack the show. Its fine. Just go.” Ronica kisses me on the lips and smiles. “You don't need me with you.”

“But I do” I tell her. She shoves me through the curtain and the crowd goes wild. My back is to them. I have to gather myself, take a deep breath, and smile for the cameras. Three women faint in the audience. I wave to everyone and walk right past Juliana who is waiting with her arms open for a hug. I walk up the aisle and high-five the people. This old lady grabs my ass and everyone laughs. I shake my finger at her, smile, and hug her. The crowd goes crazy. I pry her loose and hug Juliana and then sit down.

“So, Johnny Panic” Juliana says after the crowd finally settles. “How are you doing?”

“I'm Johnny Panic” I tell her. “I'm always doing great.” Cheers.

“Recently you were in the news causing quite a bit of controversy” she says. Ooh. “You stopped a bank robbery but not before a hostage was killed.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So...?”

“So what?”

“Someone died.” She places her card of questions on her lap, waiting for me to respond. “Why didn't you save that person?” she asks. They put a graphic on the screen on the guy that died. “His name was--”

“Graham Collins” I finish for her. “He was 38. Has two kids. His wife died of cancer a couple of years back.”

“Yes” Juliana says. “Two. Kids.” Aww from the crowd. “Left without a father. Why couldn't you save him?”

“I wasn't there yet” I tell her. I know what this cow is trying to do. “Do you know where I was when I was told about this hostage situation?”

“The hottest new club?” she asks. Laughter from the crowd.

“No” I correct her. “The moon. The flag up there was bleached white so I was asked to put a new one made with better material so that it'll be fine for the next 200 years. I've met Graham's kids and told them how sorry I was that I couldn't save their dad.” I fish out my phone and show the camera a picture of me with them and they are smiling. “I started a fund for them and paid to have their grandma move to L.A to take care of them. His son wants to be a chef. His daughter wants to be a pilot. And why would I have been at the hottest new club?” I know I'm losing my temper.

“Because you're Johnny Panic!” she says. Cheers.

“It was 11 in the morning” I tell her.

“We'll be right back with more from Johnny Panic!” she says. Cheers. “This is going great!”

“No it isn't” I say. “You're being a total bitch.” She tries to raise her eyebrows but she's had so much work done all's that happens is her eyelids go higher. “I knew you'd try this shit. And why can't my lady be out here with me?”

“She isn't relevant” she says while looking me right in the eye. This is one of those times I wish I had laser vision. I would scorch this bitch into dust. Cheers. We're back on the air. I'm still staring at Juliana. “Welcome back, everyone!” Cheers. “So, Johnny? You run in some pretty big circles.” I just stare at her. “Johnny?”

“Was that your question?” I ask her. Ooh. My phone goes off. I look down. Its a text from Ronica.

“Be nice :)” it says.

“Yes, I know a lot of famous people” I say.

“But none of them are more famous than you, right?” Cheers. “You've also had some famous affairs.” Ooh. My phone goes off. “You want to get that?” she asks me. Laughter. I look down and smile.

“There's a high speed chase the cops want my help with” I say. Gasps. I read the message. “SUV. Baby in the backseat. Speeds up to 110mph.” More gasps.

“Oh, no” Juliana says and puts her hand to her cheek making sure not to actually touch her face. The put up a live feed on the screen behind us. The car sideswipes a truck. Gasps.

“I'm gonna go take care of this” I say. Cheers. “Meanwhile you can talk to the love of my life, Ronica!” Cheers.

“What?” Juliana says.

“Audience, Juliana didn't want me to bring my lady out here.” Boos. “But I'm gonna go save that baby, whip a thieves ass, and I'll be right back!” Cheers. I head backstage and find Ronica. I kiss her. “I'll be back soon, okay?”

“Yeah” she says. “Be careful.”

“Go talk to Juliana” I tell her. She squints at me. “It'll be fine. You're interesting as fuck and I love you.”

“Fuck it” she says. “Okay.” She heads towards the curtains and steps through. The crowd cheers. She peeps back through the curtain and blows a kiss at me. I catch it then leave rushing outside past people cheering and fly off. I'm not worried about Ronica. I'm worried about what she's gonna do to Juliana.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.