Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Here she is all fucked up. Thanks, pet cat!

When cops and firefighters showed up they were able to follow a path of bloody paw prints to the door that was made for her cat, Pretty Boy. They managed to capture the raccoon. Not outside but sitting in the cats litter box just chilling. They killed the little fucker and guess what? Rabies. The fucking thing had rabies. Yesterday she started her first in a series of shots she's gonna have to get. Ginny stated that at first she thought her cat had gone crazy but was happy to find out that it wasn't and that he was fine. Yay?

"Souls! Fresh souls!"

“The raccoon would have killed him” she said as she wondered why she got a punkass cat that just sat there probably licking itself while she fought for her life against a creature that is known as the American Tasmanian Devil. I just totally made that up. But you can spread that lie. I know I will.

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