Witches are a fascinating thing. You have good ones, bad ones, hot ones, ugly ones. You even have people that think that because they wear all black and look miserable that they are witches. One time a witch came into the porn shop. I don't think I've ever mentioned this on a blog before. Note: into. Not, like, in. She brought a big, expensive book to the counter and said “You're going to give this to me for free.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she did the two finger point like from The Color Purple. Which funny enough was the color of the bruises all over her arms.
I realized that I was dealing with a
crackhead or someone who thought they were a witch. And she didn't
realize that I am a magical creature that crackles with sexual
energy. So I stare at this broad and she repeats her line and I say
“No, I'm not.” She points harder at me and I smile. She calls me
weird and leaves. Of course my coworker only heard the part about me
being weird. I told him I knew something was wrong because a girl was
in the porn shop. So taking this story I can easily teach you how to
defeat some witches in this Evil Witch Edition!
Endora From Bewitched
Don't be fooled by her looks. Even though she appears to look like Mrs. Rooper on a bender she does possess a lot of magic. Most of it is used to fuck with people and make them look silly, so she is pretty much a dick with power. Like a politician. (ba-dum-bum!) I bet she pops up in your house during sex and watches. She just has that look about her. She'd probably do some shit to you and you wake up naked while she is laying next to you smoking a cigarette and smiling. So how do you take down this mother-in-law from hell?
Solution
Report her to the police. Yeah, she is
your wife's mom but fuck that. This woman can't just pop up in our
home whenever she feels like it just because she has powers. Or you
can just put your foot down and tell her to stop disrespecting you.
Maybe she'll turn your foot into a cat in protest. In that case you
kick her in the stomach with your cat-foot and get a divorce. No
vajayjay is worth this level of stress.
Melisandre From Game Of Thrones
If the fact that she worships some old
ass fire god wasn't enough to get you to stay away from her I don't
know what is. She also has one of those hard to say names so she
probably stays in a perpetual bad mood because everyone calls her
Melissa or Andrea. Oh, I forgot to mention that when you have sex
with her a smoke monster comes out of her hot box. Yeah. That
happens. But she's hot so like me you're willing to take that risk.
Solution
Stay away from her. You see a chick
wearing all red that also has red hair chances are she's up to
something. Its the old times and this woman is as smooth as a marble
statue. She is practicing some dark shit to not have to shave her
legs. Her limbs should look like she's wearing a full body sweater. I
would imagine she can be defeated by an arrow or sword like everybody
else. Or slut shaming.
Mombi From Return To Oz
She witch works on levels of crazy that
make Courtney Love seem like a saint. She collects the heads of hot
chicks and will wear whichever one she wants and just stares at
herself. Her normal head has that big crazy 80's style which when you
see now makes you cross the street to avoid trouble. She's in the
land of Oz where nothing is even close to normal so how can we beat
her?
Solution
Stay the fuck out of Oz! There's no
reason to want to go to this place. You think The Wizard Of Oz is
weird? Return To Oz has caused children to go to therapy! Every
single thing is alive and crazy and you think its a good idea to go
anywhere near a woman that rules the place? Just stay away. If you do
end up there and make it out, don't tell anyone unless you wanna end
up getting electroshock therapy. Your friends from Oz start trying to
contact you in the real world just burn your ruby red slippers and go
outside and play in the cornfields. Fuck those weirdos.
Nancy Down From The Craft
You remember that girl in high school
that wore fishnets on her arms and legs, all black, dark lipstick,
and kept to herself or hung out with other like-minded freaks? Even
underneath all that nonsense you could tell that she was fucking hot.
Okay, I need to digress for a second. Fairuza Balk is fucking cute. I
have had a crush on her since she was in the movie mentioned in the
last paragraph. For over 30 years I have liked her. There. I said it.
Anyhoot, there were the strange chicks that thought they were
witches, but they weren't. They were just uninteresting people that
dressed to be interesting. But what if they did have powers?
Solution
I would say be nice to her but this
chick is beyond unhinged. Before she got her magical powers she was
already taking skinny dips in the crazy pool. So being nice won't
work on her. Your best bet is to pretend that you're into whatever
she is into. Witchcraft? Sure. That sounds like fun. We should mess
around with that...and each other. Wa-pow! You just made a new fuck
buddy. “But I'm a girl...” some of you just said. Hey! Do you
wanna live or not?!
Wicked Witch Of The East From Wizard Of
Oz
This evil green monster was actually
minding her business being more of a nuisance than anything else in
Oz. Then one day you decided to land on top of her sister with a
house, let some munchkins trick you into stealing her sisters shoes,
and trying to fight her. All she wants are her shoes back. She
doesn't want to fuck up your reality or anything. She just wants the
shoes. Next thing you know a talking lion, scarecrow, and robot want
your help. Ugh! Everyone is so needy here!
Solution
Water. For real. That's it. Not sure
why she would have a bucket of the one thing that could kill her in
her room but she does. So all's you gotta do is toss it on her, watch
her melt to death, and you're the hero. Yay...?
Click here for previous Dante Saves You.
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