Fives Things I Learned To Be Happy About In 35 Years

Today I have managed to survive 35 years on this planet. I was gonna write something about how the human body changes and is renewed every seven years like we're some kinda crazy ass human snake hybrids but it turns out that that isn't exactly true and I'm not gonna waste a moment of these 35 years trying to figure out exactly what it means. I'd rather stare in the mirror willing my facial hair to grow faster.

In these Fives Things I Learned To Be Happy About In 35 Years I'm gonna touch on a few personal things. Its not gonna have shit to do with former girlfriends, my penis, or jobs I've had. I have covered that stuff in great deal in previous blogs already. I'm 35 and too old to be talking about my penis anyway. No one's every said “Give me some of that decades old dick!” It'd be cool if they did though because, well, I have one. My penis is old enough to run for President! Okay. Enough of that.

1. I'm Alive

This may not seem like such a big deal to some reading this but to me it is. When I wake up I am surprised every single day. No, I don't jump out of bed celebrating it like some cartoon character. But I do acknowledge how strange it is that I am still alive and relatively well. I mean, I've managed to make it all these years and I still have all my limbs, most of my mind, and all my teeth. That shit is crazy. Me. Dante. Is still alive. With a mouth full of teeth. The fact that I'm my height and weight is reason enough to celebrate!

I am three years older than my brother when he died and that is something I never imagined happening meaning him dying and me living this long. I think that's one of the reasons why I never made long term goals. To me life is something that needs to be taken one day at a time. This whole being alive thing is cool. I know there are people that hate life and are depressed for whatever reason. If its not caused by some chemical imbalance or the death of someone very close then find a way to get over it. I live in a world where porn is free, a magic box allows me to hear any song I want to listen to, hot women like being my friend, and I have the ability to eat Lucky Charms with coffee and orange juice when I want. Life is good even when it isn't.

2. Its Good That I Don't Have Kids

This isn't an insult to any of you that have kids. Kids are great...because they aren't mine. But I was just talking to a friend today about how awesome it feels to leave a gathering of children and know that I don't have to deal with all of the responsibilities that come with caring for another human being. Do I have to ability to raise a responsible adult? Fuck no. Look at me. No job, no car, no life goals other than ones that are terribly self centered. I'm a delicious mess and I love it because if I fall, no one falls with me.

When I was around 18 my mother was already asking me when I was gonna have kids already. In my family people start very early, like, right out of school. There have been a couple of women I would have liked to have kids with but looking back thank Cthulhu it didn't happen. The way I live is fine for me, but not a child. I don't know where I'd put all my knives and shit if I had a kid. And I'm sure as shit not sharing my cereal!

3. Being Single Feels Fine

Thankfully I've never gone crazy from not being in a relationship. I enjoy my own company and can and do stay alone for days at a time only talking when someone gives me a phone call or washing dishes using Golum's voice to sing “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. Yes, I do that. I have told my best friend about my criteria for a woman for me and I think its is ridiculously simple but she says it isn't. The problem is that the women that fit these things are very far away, taken, or have absolutely no plans to have me heaving on top of them. Sober.

When a relationship ends for me I notice that I write way more. Depending on how it ends I am happier than I was because I sit back and think of how the relationship went and how it made me feel. 9 times out of 10 I go “Yeah, its good that's over. Now where's my Pretty Ricky wig?!” I think I have spent so much of my life wanting chicks I couldn't have that when I don't have one its a comfortable level of “Meh” so it can't bring me down. It'd be like me getting mad at being sleepy. I know this feeling so there's no need to get mad.

4. I'm Happy I've Never Been Arrested

“What about that time those cops had three guns aimed at your face and handcuffed you, Dante?!” I wasn't under arrest. I was a suspect in an armed robbery. That's very different. Its funny but ever since I was a kid I assumed that there would be a situation where I'd end up in jail. Presumably for hitting someone harder than I planned because repressed rage. Seriously, I thought that someone would push me too far and I'd be pulled from their unconscious body screaming “Why didn't you love me, father?!” Somehow that didn't happen and I can celebrate 35 years on this planet never knowing what it is like to be locked up firsthand.

I already know that I'm not a good candidate for jail. For one I can't pee in front of other people let alone take a shit in a crowded room with no door. I enjoy ironing a lot and I can't do that there. The not having sex (if I'm lucky) in jail doesn't bother me since I have a thing where I tend to go two years at a time without having sex. But who's to say that if I got locked up for three years I wouldn't just lose my shit? I don't know. I have no desire to test it either. I could be like a pig released into the wild. So by 2016 someone better get up on this before I break the world in half. With my dick.

5. I Turned Out Okay...ish

I'm not perfect which goes without saying. If my arms looked as good as my legs I'd have it made. But I turned out alright. I somehow managed to make some really good friends. I'm not a criminal and I haven't killed anyone physically. Spiritually I'm sure there are some causalities. I have managed to continue drawing since I was a child and have lots of little hobbies that are fun that I can share with friends. I am available most times for them to talk to and I actually listen. I make people laugh after funerals (and sometimes during). I'm okay.

After my brother died I really believed that I would never recover from it. I'm still not 100% even after 13 years but I am better than I thought I'd be. I can laugh at stuff and talk about him without sliding into depression. Every time I pick up a pencil and draw I think of him which is cool. After 35 years and all the nonsense that I have witnessed, been involved in, or fell into my lap I am okay. For now. By next year I'll be knocking on heavens door and ready to punch holes in walls. With my...

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