We Going To Hell 10

Sometimes justice drags its heels so hard and long it makes sparks that are miles wide. Back in 2009 I was a very different person. Well...not really. But I can at least say that I was not the kinda guy that would pee in someone's coffee! Meet now 53 year old James Carroll Butler of Culpepper County, VA who now owes $5,001 to a co-worker whose coffee he decided needed a little extra kick. And by “kick” I mean toilet water mixed with piss and doo-doo residue for color.

Butler worked in the waste water plant which makes this whole story even sillier. You'd think he would know a little bit more than us regarding how to handle liquids. His co-worker, Utz, is the victim of this nonsense. Butler grabbed some water from the toilet using a soda can and waited for Utz to take a sip. Utz saw that there was a coffee pot that was full of pee sitting in the coffee maker and got suspicious. After smelling that unmistakable smell of pee he reported it to a supervisor meaning he did the complete opposite of what Dante would've done.

"Thirsty?"

Look.

I like to think I am a higher primate. I like to believe that things that upset other mortals are just blown off by me. I don't care if someone accidentally steps on my foot. I have big feet. You bump into me? Fine. My shoulders are awesome and wide. But if you pee in my coffee I will break you down faster than a single mother on reality TV. Pissing in my coffee is a sign of war. I pick up the pot, smell piss, see your cast if Justified looking ass just sitting there waiting, and I get to slap you so hard we actually become one person.

Utz's supervisor had the “coffee” tested and sure enough: pee. “I done something I am very much ashamed of to a co-worker for [reasons, which are] stress-related [and] things going on in my life on and off the job. I am very much ashamed of my stupid and childlike behavior” Butler said in a statement. Bullshit. Here's what he really sounded like (in my head).

“I don' fucked up, yer honor. I mean, I figgered I'd get away wit it, but uh, yeah. You gotta understan'. This guys' an asshole! Pissin' in his coffee tweren't no big deal to me!” In 2009 he was guilty of a criminal misdemeanor then stayed in jail for a month. Utz had sued him for $728,000 in damages which is just silly, hence the $5,001 he received. People, don't be nasty.

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