We Going To Hell 10

Sometimes justice drags its heels so hard and long it makes sparks that are miles wide. Back in 2009 I was a very different person. Well...not really. But I can at least say that I was not the kinda guy that would pee in someone's coffee! Meet now 53 year old James Carroll Butler of Culpepper County, VA who now owes $5,001 to a co-worker whose coffee he decided needed a little extra kick. And by “kick” I mean toilet water mixed with piss and doo-doo residue for color.

Butler worked in the waste water plant which makes this whole story even sillier. You'd think he would know a little bit more than us regarding how to handle liquids. His co-worker, Utz, is the victim of this nonsense. Butler grabbed some water from the toilet using a soda can and waited for Utz to take a sip. Utz saw that there was a coffee pot that was full of pee sitting in the coffee maker and got suspicious. After smelling that unmistakable smell of pee he reported it to a supervisor meaning he did the complete opposite of what Dante would've done.

We Going To Hell 9

Some people are dumb as hell. I've never been a fan of April Fool's Day because I'm one of those people that tend to believe what people tell me so growing up I would believe whatever the hell you told me on this day. Like the daughter of Angela Timmons, 54 of South Carolina, who believed her when her mother said that she was hearing shots at the college she worked at. Yeah. This was her version of a prank.

Angela sent her daughter a text saying that she “could hear gun shots being fired inside the school” and did not respond to her daughters follow up text messages. Surely she was reading them and giggling like a jackass at this great joke she was playing on her daughter. Laughs abound at this one because as everyone knows, there is nothing funnier than school shootings! Am I right?! No. Its not funny. So her daughter thinking that her mother and everyone at the college were in danger called 911 to report it. Surely law enforcement understood how funny this was.

We Going To Hell 8

A guy in Florida decided that it was a good idea to enter a place with knives and an assault rifle. People are describing him as “Rambo” and I question whether or not these people have ever seen that movie before. Daniel Allen Noble, 37, was apparently at this place called Europa Lounge and drinking, just minding his business. Then he came back carrying weapons with bad intentions on his mind. He decided that it was time for some Mortal Kombat and started challenging people to a fight.

Don't feed the bear. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

So of course fat Rambo here was tackled by people in the place because fuck him. While being restrained he fired off two shots. After having his rifle taken away he used one of his knives to continue the battle. One of the men was cut on the face while fighting this freak. I like to think in this situation that I would've jumped in, but, come on. Dude had a gun and knives. That's excessive.

We Going To Hell 7

Sometimes Texas reminds me of that guy who used to be known as the life of the party. People will reminisce about all the crazy shit it used to do so it decides to relive its glory days so it does something insane but goes too far. Over the years Florida became the champion of crazy in the U.S. and Texas refuses to relinquish the crown. This story begins with a woman that was arrested on meth charges after being arrested at Walmart for shoplifting.

Hi.

Charlene Marie Ellet was arrested after employees reported seeing her stealing shit. It was less than $50 worth of stuff which doesn't seem like something worth risking your freedom over. Her brother, Cameron Beck, showed up at the store and police looked on his vehicle and found a powder that tested positive for meth. Not sure why he let them search his car or why he is so messy with his drug use. Why would there be meth dust just laying all over the damned place? Anyhoot, his dumb ass was arrested too. Charlene told police that she and her brother both used it a few weeks ago which in drug time means hours ago.

We Going To Hell 6

Some 36 year old dude from Independence Township, Michigan was showing his woman how safe his three handguns were safe when loaded by putting them to his head and pulling the triggers. He didn't do this once. He did it three times. First gun fine. Second gun fine. Third gun and his dumb ass struck out. I mean, come on. Doing it once was stupid enough but when you literally dodge a bullet twice you are pushing luck that you just don't have.

He was hit in the head, naturally, when the gun went off. His girlfriend told the police tat he had been drinking for most of the damned day when he decided to show off gun safety. Three kids that did not belong to Shooty McGunshot ages 7, 10, and 12 were home at the time but did not witness this. Yay. Not to sound too mean but this guy cashed out early and society did not lose a champion. Its not like this woman or those three kids are gonna be worse off because a guy dating their mom got drunk and decided to play with guns. Plural. They say an autopsy is going to be done to see how this guy died.

We Going To Hell 5

Dudes are weird. We just are. There are times when guys either hate someone so much or love someone so much that they whip their junk out and do strange shit with it. Like beating off in someone's shoes. Hello, Timothy Margis. This 39 year old freak was arrested after leaving his love potion in a female coworker's shoes. This happened in Illinois at Concordia University whose motto is “At your service” which he took too seriously.

Margis was seen coming out of the office of this lady when she saw him leaving while buttoning his pants and fastening his belt. Ladies, if you ever enter a room that doesn't begin with “bath” and a guy is leaving while his pants are unhitched, just call the police. Its safe to assume that a crime has been committed. Which there was. Because he jerked off in her shoes. She found a “clear liquid” in them and probably gagged and screamed. I know I would. When she asked him why he was in there he said he was checking it because it was unlocked. Guess that turned him on. Nothing like an unlocked door to get my motor revved up because opened doors are like metaphors for vajayjays. Right?

We Going To Hell 4

Every year or so someone pops up in the news looking like a damned lunatic because they have something that has the image of Jesus on it. I think it was a coupe of years ago someone had bird shit on their window and said that it looked like Jesus. This time its Paula Osuna from Silver City, New Mexico and she didn't see Jesus in her cheese toast or on a window like some of you blasphemers. Oh, no. Jesus made a guest appearance on her toe!

You'd think she'd paint her nails and pluck them hairs.

Paula hurt her foot when she fell down some stairs because gravity. She jacked up her foot and asked her fiance to rub some holy dirt she had saved from a trip to a Catholic shrine in Chimayo on her foot. Dude, you aren't married to this woman yet. Like the great poet Al Bundy once said “Run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist.” You still have a chance to escape this level of crazy! That is unless he is cool with this.

We Going To Hell 3

You ever hear of the Knockout Game? Its this thing where idiots hit unsuspecting people in the hopes of rendering them unconscious. Doesn't that sound like fun?! No. Not it doesn't. And its a total misuse of the word “game.” This asshole in Brooklyn, New York named Barry Baldwin, 35, has knocked out as far as they know seven women. And just because this isn't bad enough he is actually claiming self-defense in one case.

Many of his attacks centered on Jewish and Hasidic women in Brooklyn which caused investigators to consider these hate crimes. As for the one he hit in self defense it was allegedly because she made him spill his coffee at Dunkin Donuts.

“I was passing by a lady using a phone and I hit her head in self-defense because of the way she looked” which makes perfect sense if you are a total assbutt. Here is a composite sketch of him which pretty much looks like me with braids.

We Going To Hell 2

I need to call this one Dante Is Going To Hell because when I read this story I laughed my ass off. Now, I have never been known to be sensitive to the suffering of others. There's less than twenty people on this planet I feel bad for when bad things happen to them. You can be one of those people that say “Dante, you are mean!” or “Dante, she has a health issue!” and I'll agree with you. But when you are 6 foot 5 and weigh about 400lbs there is a chance that the ground you are standing on will get angry and stop supporting you. She is bigger than most boxers and wrestlers!

Ulanda Williams, 32, lives in Queens, NY. While waiting outside of an Atomic Wings food spot to get out of the rain she needed a place to stay dry. Suddenly the ground screamed “Jesus take the wheel!” and she fell through the sidewalk. She fell seven feet through the ground, kicked someone in China, and help arrived. It is being reported that the ground was hollow underneath which I am having trouble believing because 400lbs.

We Going To Hell

Hello, everyone. Once again I am back to present a segment from my now complete Rosscast Show. This one was called We Going To Hell which seems pretty self explanatory. Whether or not you believe in an actual hell, there are times when we need to tell someone to go there, burn there, or rot there. I troll the internets for stories where people do things that are just so damned ridiculous that they make us as humans look silly. Like a promotion that was going to throw a part on Martin Luther King Day that was centered around twerking.

Oh no...

In Michigan an event called “Freedom 2 Twerk” was going to be held on MLK weekend until the owner of the venue, Vincent McEwen, got a gander at the fliers that were being used for the event showing a photoshopped MLK throwing up a “west side” sign and wearing a gold chain along with a chick just happy as all get out to be a part of this historic event. The promoter of the event apparently thought noting was wrong with using MLK's image to promote a twerking based event because fuck using your head.