Kids These Days 39

Growing up there were a lot of strange toys that were available. They weren't as bad as some of the toys that were around in the 1950's where you could, as a child, get uranium and make gases from it. That is a real thing that was possible. Later toys got past being poisonous and got dangerous. Toys nowadays will just fall apart. Back when I was growing up toys could hurt or drive you insane. Some of these toys had the simplest tasks but for whatever reason could not be executed. I've made a list of just five things that people around my age had to deal with because adults liked angering our blood.

Fisher Price Skates were dumb. When I would see kids in them I would worry about them more than if you just put a child in regular ass skates. They were made to keep a kid from actually skating. They would...skitter. You could loosen them as your kid learned how to not fall down every five seconds, but you would easily make the mistake of thinking that your kid was doing fine and loosen them too much. Next thing you know your kid wears a helmet for more than when they play sports. This would be like driving a car that slams on the brakes every ten feet just in case you were in danger. I think they still make these things. I wore skates a few years ago and fuck skates.

Waterful Ring Toss was one of those toys that till this day if I pick one up I think “Heh. I remember these. They were so fun!” False. This toy was the devil. It's pretty simple in theory. You press the little tab on the side that blow air into the water, the rings float up, they land on the posts. Done. But it was never that easy. You press it too hard and it flies to the top. Too softly and it softly drifts back down to the colorful ring graveyard with the rest of your failures. You get mad and try maneuvering it and the next thing you know you got water on your lap. There is nothing worse than your lap being wet if you're not holding a baby or at a strip club. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

The Pogo Ball is a toy that was designed by the devil himself. I know that they left that part out the bible but I'm sure it went something like “A lo, Satan said 'I shall impart among man a creation of rubber that hast a thin plate for whence man shalt attempt to bounce towards a Heaven they shalt never attain!'” In the commercials kids were doing four foot jumps, kicking their legs in the air, and just generally pointing out all the things you would never be able to do on this thing. It was easier to just throw the damned thing across the yard and just jump in your broke ass karate shoes. It was the 80's. We wore karate shoes. This wasn't a toy. It was a situation. A situation that would later have a generation of adults that have ankles that sound like bags of chips. 

Electronic Dream Phone was a toy designed to teach girls how to gossip and stalk all at the same time. In this evil ass game you got clues about a guy who was your secret admirer. You find out about his clothes, the food he liked,sports, and where he hung out. Then you and your friend start calling these guys on the phone supplied with the game and tried to figure out who this dude was by process of elimination. The game was done when you got the right number and he said “You're right! I really like you!” which no guys says in real life. I love how this was a game for girls because if there was a guy version it would come with a towel to wipe sweat from your face and a special card you got to stop your damned mama from picking up the other house phone ever five minutes screaming for you to get off.

Fantastic Balloon was the toy made to get kids high as hell without saying it straight out. This toy was pretty straight forward. You get some of this toxic material on the end of a straw and blow it up. That was the idea. In reality you would be lobbing poison balls at anyone sitting nearby. When it worked you ended up with a shitty balloon that didn't float because science and smelled like an exhaust pipe. I'm sure that whoever invented this was one of them evil German scientists from Operation Paperclip. “Hey, you know that deadly goo that our machines produce? How about we put it in a tube, add a straw, and get kids to make balloons out of it? Es ist die beste Idee aller Zeiten!” They had different colors but they all smelled the same: like death. But still, for whatever reason these were fun to play with. 

Click here for previous Kids These Days.