116 Year Old Woman Lives My Worst Nightmare

There's this lady named Gertrude Weaver who recently celebrated her 116th birthday. That is not a typo. There will probably be plenty of those later in this. She is officially the second oldest person alive after some other 116 year old woman in Japan. She is listed the 11th oldest person of all time because no one is taking those hundreds of year old people from the bible seriously. Noah was 500? Come on now. If you ever live that long you're either a vampire or a wheezing husk. Gertrude, who you know is old based solely on her name, was born in 1898. You know what was invented in 1898? The world's worst candy next to black licorice and root beer bubble gum: candy corn. Also the remote control (really...?) as well as the vertical filing cabinet. She has had four children and all of them are dead except for her 93 year old son who is probably like “Shit. I gotta do this for another 20 years?!”

Her birthday isn't even really on the 4th of July but she is really old so fuck it, right? She lives in a nursing home now but her first trip was when she broke her hip at 104. For whatever reason when old people break their hips the show's over. I don't know what it is about hips but when your ass is 60 and over and your hips get wrecked its time to write a will. Just be like “Well, I had a good run.” Kinda like back in the day when if you sneezed your days were numbered.

Gertrude says the keys to living a long life are “Trusting in the Lord, hard work and loving everybody. You have to follow God. Don't follow anyone else. Be obedient and follow the laws and don't worry about anything. I've followed him for many, many years and I ain't tired.” Well...shit. I'm screwed. My Grandmama lived to 95 and she smoked a pack every day, barely slept, but she did like God. Pretty sure she didn't love everybody. She was a natural dissenter like me which is where I got it from. The only advice she ever gave me was “Don't do nothing you don't want to.” Blew my mind and turned me into a no factory. I don't wanna live that long. I can cash out at 45 and be okay. My run has gone far longer than I planned and its been pretty cool. But doing this shit three more times plus another 11 years? Hell, no! And shame on people who parade these ancient folks out. My Grandmama got mad when I took a picture of her at 90. Trotting her out at 111 would've earned me a Texas style ass kicking.