You
ever see something that is so confusing that your eyes cross? I do.
This morning while trolling the internets in my semi-insomonia fueled
haze I saw that porn star Kim Kardashian was awarded Woman Of The
Year by the British GQ Magazine. Now, British versions of magazines
tend to have fucked up ratings when it comes to women in the first
place. But to have Kim as the woman of the year? Come on now. Here is
what they wrote.
“It's
been quite the year for Mrs Kardashian West. She gave birth to her
first child, North West, married her rapper boyfriend, Kanye, in one
of the most lavish ceremonies on record, and made the transition from
'just another' reality TV star to bona fide media sensation. It
wouldn't be wrong to claim that, right now, she's the most famous
woman in the world. Even Obama talks about her. It wouldn't be wrong,
either, to say she's redefined the meaning of pop culture in the mere
space of 12 months.”
No,
no, no, no, no! Let me break this down to molecules. Yes, she did
give birth and lost the weight she gained as fast as possible to
start posting pictures on her Instagram of her giant, fake ass.
Anyone that still thinks her ass is real probably believes that
bullet proof wolves occupy Skinwalker Ranch. Look it up. Her child
always looks upset and I dare you to find a picture of that poor
thing smiling. “But her parents are rich so...” some idiot just
had the nerve to think. Do I need to make a list of rich children
that turned out fucked up? And marrying Kanye West? Good lord. What a
bad decision that was! That guy is an idiot that thinks he is the
greatest rapper to ever exist. Listen to a Kanye song where he has
other artists. It isn't hard. He will always have the worst verse.
As for
Obama talking about her. Yeah. He talked about her husband as well.
Called him a jackass. Twice. Last May at a dinner where Steven
Spielberg was getting an award she wanted to get close to the
president and he shut her down faster than a new restaurant in West Hollywood. Here is what she had to say about Obama.
“I
don't think it's very appropriate for the President of the United
States to be commenting on pop culture...I mean, calling people
'jackass?' I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion – even
him. I was just like, 'Why is he even commenting on this?' Okay,
sure, just the fact that the President of the United States even
knows who I am, and is talking about whether his kids watch our show
is pretty cool.”
And
that is all that matters. Be it good or bad, she likes to be talked
about. And why is she talked about? Not just because of her huge ass.
Not because her bad TV show. Not her three marriages that have
totaled five years so far. Not naming her baby after a direction. Its
for making a porno! She and that scumbag Ray J fucked on film years
ago and her “career” took off. “I bet if she were a man you
wouldn't be saying...” Oh, shut your mouth. Yes I would and I do.
Don't base your knowledge of me off of one blog post. And her porno
was lame by the way. Kanye even said in a song “My girl a superstar
all thanks to a home movie.” You wanna watch good celebrity porn,
watch Tami Erin's. Now that is some celebrity porn. She played the
new Pippi Longstocking in case you're wondering who the fuck she is.
When
she was told she won this award she said “What a huge honor to win
Woman of the Year. It's so special. I want to thank my husband for
making me feel like the Woman of the Year every single day.” I
guess that's when he isn't yelling at fans at shows, not selling out
concerts, designing clothes people with vision would never wear,
getting into fights with paparazzi, or during depositions saying
things like “I'm the smartest celebrity you've ever fucking dealt
with. I'm not Britney Spears.” I want to know what she did to
become woman of the year. The things GQ pointed out are false. Once
her career starts to falter or her sisters get more attention she'll
get a divorce and start all over again. I know the rules.
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