Dante Bitches About Cosmo 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex

I love looking at Cosmo online just because it gives me a glimpse into a part of the world that I'm not a part of meaning the world where people attempt to have relationships with other individuals in a sexual nature. I saw this post called 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex and laughed because they added the “Real” part because I always accuse this site of either being written by gay men that hate women or someone just making shit up. This is supposed to be for chicks to read but whatever. Guys don't read my blog so here ya go, ladies. This is what they wrote with my comments as well.

“We know what women want (one word: Gosling), but what is your man dying for during sex, but is too shy to communicate? We asked real men what they secretly want girls to do in the sack...”

SUCK IT UP

“Easy. More blow jobs.” -Mike S.

This guy is straight to the point. I've written before about the trouble with asking for a blowjob and how there seems to be no polite way to ask for one. You just sit there and hope it happens or play your own sexual version of Press Your Luck. No Whammy! I can't think of a guy running around turning down blowjobs unless they keep getting bad ones.

BE NICE

“This sounds really douchey, but compliments? Not cheesy ones like, 'You're so big!' but just, like, tell me I look hot.” -Tyler N.

Of course we want compliments from a woman. As someone who grew up not being a good looking kid that grew up into a guy that isn't ugly but wouldn't be described as hot it's nice when a random compliment is thrown my way. I'm a 4 on a good day is what I'm getting at. I don't need a girl to tell me how big I am or that I look hot. Just something like “Your face makes me want you in me.” That'd work.

GET YOUR GROOVE ON

“I guess it's weird to say 'get on top,' because the actual sex doesn't feel as good that way, but I really like watching my girlfriend put on a little show up there.” -Joe L.

I've never had a problem asking a woman to get on top. If she doesn't do it herself (that is how sex usually begins for me anyway) I'll just put her up there. Ain't no shame in my game. It's is nice to look at a woman at that angle though. I agree with this one. You shouldn't worry about asking a woman to get on top unless she doesn't know what she's doing. Do not let an overly drunk girl get on top. Your chances of injury increase threefold!

MAKE SOME NOISE

“Don't fake it, but soft moaning is really hot.” -Max T.

Emphasis on “soft.” I am conditioned to low sounds during sex because when I first started getting sexually active there was always a parent nearby. Even in my own home I keep that shit on ninja status...most times. If a chick makes me make noise chances are I'm gonna ask for her ring size. There was one chick that moaned so loudly that I think she was trying to impress her neighbors. I'd just bury her face in my neck because that shit was bananas. And while we're on this topic, there are certain things you shouldn't say during sex. If you are having the butt sex please try not to moan using the word “shit.” And never call a man “daddy.” If your guy is into that he's got some deep dark secrets and if your lady wants to call you that she's got even darker ones. I'm talking Mordor dark.

SAY ANYTHING

“Dirty talk makes plain old missionary kind of wild. I basically have the stamina of a teen boy when my girlfriend talks dirty.” -Danny D.

I discovered years ago that there is a limit to dirty talk. I know some people say anything goes but like I mentioned above, there are certain words that can turn someone off faster than a hooker with pube dreads. Yeah. Good luck getting that image out of your head. I don't need dirty talk. I like simple instructions. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. Slower. That. It's almost a damned Daft Punk song. Plus, a woman might go overboard with her dirty talk and scare the shit out of me. Treat me like the delicate flower that I am.

PLAY DRESS UP

“Leave some lingerie on during sex. On special occasions my girlfriend takes everything off except what's that thing that holds stockings up? That, and thigh-high stockings and she looks like a Victoria's Secret model.” -Tim H.

I hate these. Whenever I hear things about a guy wanting his woman to wear sexy lingerie I cringe. “I like wearing lingerie...” some girl with a drawer full of it she is saving for a random hookup at the bar just said. No, you don't. While it looks nice it has never been something I ever asked for. All I want is for her to not stink and have the skin of a woman. If I like a woman she can be wearing sweatpants and I'll want to split her in two. Of course red draws is a huge bonus and if she has a plaid skirt I'll start singing Teddy Pendergrass songs to her. One ex had both and I put up with a lot of her bullshit just because the image of her wearing these together would calm me down faster than waving a candy bar in my face.

BE GAME

“Be up for anything, within reason. Once I asked my girlfriend to get into this weird position and it didn't work at all, but it was sweet that she tried!” -Cooper L.

Hey, you know that thing where you put one leg behind your neck and one arm behind your back? Yeah. Stop doing that. Now “within reason” can be misinterpreted a lot of ways. The butt sex and/or a three-way is within reason for some people. Unless you are in a long term relationship with someone there's no need to try anything strange. Actually, maybe that's the best time to try something. A one night stand might not care if you can only come if she sticks her finger in your left ear. And this last guy is obviously fake. No “real” guy says the word “sweet.”

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