Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2015

For years now Maxim has put out their list of the Hot 100. Its been pretty bullshit but this year they've gone too far. They tend to pick someone that is hot at the moment or a flash in the pan. You remember who was number one last year? It was Candice Swanepoel and she is way down on the list now. Do you even remember what she looks like?

I didn't until I looked for that image. And this list becomes automatic bullshit not just for the fact that Taylor Swift is number one but because Ronda Rousey is nowhere on it. You telling me that millions of men voted and Rousey, the undefeated UFC women champion who has also been in one of the highest grossest movie this year Furious 7 and on the cover of Sports Illustrated and hot ass chick didn't get enough votes to crack this list? I call major bullshit.

Armbar!

From 100 to 90 I have no fucking clue who these women are and would love to meet the person that does and voted for them enough to make this. Who is Kaya Scodelario? Alicia Vikander? Halston Sage? The fuck is this? A list of Star Wars characters? I'm serious when I say I haven't heard of these women and I keep up with all kinds of random nonsense. Its a hobby. I should find one of them to at least post an image. Here is Nathalie Emmanuel. Oh. Oh! Her I know. Not by name but by face and ass. She only made 90?! She is on Game of Thrones and also Furious 7! I would live in her hair and be her new best friend. 

89 through 80 is more of the same but at least I know some of these ladies. They have George Clooney's wife Amal Clooney to try and look smart along with a bunch of other women I don't know. I have heard of Sophie Turner and Cheyenne Woods. Why? (shrugs) There is also Chloë Grace Moretz which is semi-pervy because we've been watching her act since she was a little kid and its always weird to suddenly go “Where them things come from, girl?” She's just 18 so a lot of guys that need to be watched voted for her.

If she offers you cookies run out the house.

Out of 79 through 70 I only know one of them by name. This list is ass. Not the good kind of ass either. This is bus ass. This is public restroom in West Hollywood ass. Camille Rowe? Myla Dalbesio? Jasmine Sanders? Who are you people? No one voted for these people! The only I know is Alessandra Ambrosio. I think she is one of those Victoria Secret models that creep me out.

"I am the Lizard Queen!"

69 thorugh 60 is just more of the same. Bunch of women I don't know and will never believe that people voted for. Edita Vilkeviciute, Ana Beatriz Barros, Andreea Diaconu, and Jourdan Dunn? Who, what, when, and why? The only one I know is poor Candice Swanepoel who dropped from number one to 60-something in a year. Gisele Bundchen is here so I'll add an image of her even though I don't think she is particularly hot and her husband is a lying liar who lies. 

This is the part of the list where they try to squeeze in as many hot at the moment people as possible. With 59 through 50 they don't want them to not pose for their magazine in the future so they put them here like “Well...at least you weren't in the 60's.” Charli XCX, SZA, and Miranda Kerr. I know these names. They have Ariana Grande which is complete bullshit. That girl looks 11 years old. Any guy that wants to bang her or looks at her and gets hot and sweaty needs to have eyes on him at all times. FKA Twigs is also here which puzzles the shit out of me. She creeps me right the fuck out.

49 through 40 is inconsistent. They have Victoria Beckham which I doubt many men have looked at and though sexy thoughts. Selena Gomez which is another one that is creepy because she looks like a baby. They also have a bunch of one named women I don't know. The only one they got right is Rita Ora because she looks like she smells like peaches. She's one of those girls I would let ruin my life.

Girl, you know I-I-I-I love you.

Now its time to get serious. This is 39 through 30. Gal Gadot, Hayley Atwell, Kate Mara, Shay Mitchell, Nina Dobrev, Lana Del Rey, Kacey Musgraves, Kimberly Perry, Maddie & Tae, and Jana Kramer? What's happening? I know three of these names. Gadot is the one that will help kill the Wonder Woman character in film once and for all. The hell is Maddie & Tae? I just checked and apparently they are musicians. I'm assuming country music. Am I that out of touch with what is hot? Okay, its like, yeah. They are women. Two blond women. They look alright. I wouldn't have to adjust myself if I were in a room with them or anything.

29 through 20 has some more familiar names. Angelina Jolie because you can't make one of these lists without adding her even though I only found her hot in Hackers and that came out when I was 16 years old. Elizabeth Olsen I agree with. That girl is cute. Margot Robbie I get. Amber Heard yeah. Dakota Johnson hell no. And fucking Zooey Deschanel manages to keep on popping up on lists! I don't fucking get it! I just don't! Why?! Who the hell is Lola Kirke? I'll use an image of her. Whoa. Every picture of her is topless. What's going on? Okay...Imogen Poots? If Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet fucked this is what their kid would look like.

19 through 10. Crunch time. Peanut butter jelly time. Its my time...then my dick fell off. They have Scarlett Johansson who should be top three on every list. Monica Bellucci who has been hot for decades and at 50 years old is likely the oldest on this list. Zoë Kravitz of course. Tatiana Maslany? The girl from Orphan Black? Are you high?! She's number 10? Fuck. That. Lupita Nyong'o is 11 but I'm using her picture because she's all classy an' shit. 

Here...are your top 10 according to Maxim. Not real people. Maxim. Daisy Ridley? Isabel Lucas? Bella Heathcote? Abbey Lee Kershaw? Phoebe Tonkin? Do you know any of these women? That was 10 through 5 and I have never heard of or seen these women. Next is Felicity Jones who I have heard of. Emma Stone who I know but no longer am into. Sienna Miller? I know who she is but why is she so high up? Jennifer Lawrence who is hot at certain angles but I refuse to forgive her for that movie Serena. And number one is...Taydolf Switler!

Known for songs you cringe at when you hear and making songs about guys she has sex with and then breaks up with, there is no way in hell she should be number one. I know all those other names either being so low or high makes this list bullshit but her being number one proves it. No Sofia Vergara? No Rosario Dawson? Shockingly Kim Kardashian didn't make this list, Amber Rose, Kate Upton, or even Miley Cyrus who won number just two years ago. Maxim, you fail on every level. Boo this magazine!

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