Dante Bitches About 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys

There is this bullshit article on Cosmo that I found because I am done writing my blogs for the day and felt like being bothered so I went there. There was one called 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys and I am hoping it was written by a 16 year old girl whose longest relationship was three weeks and not a grown ass woman. Just checked the writers bio. She is a woman that is the sex and relationships editor on their site which explains so much.

I was going to write a 12 Things That All Men Hate About Chicks but that wouldn't make any sense. It would make less sense than what will follow this paragraph. I don't represent all men or even a small percentage of them. I am a freak. Not the bragging kind like “Oh, I am so different than any other man you have met” but more like a “Oh, god, I am so different than any other man you have met please help me because if you treat me like any other man you've met chances are this won't last long!” Ask me again why I'm single. Ask me!!!

“Guys who don't ask any questions about you at all because who cares. You are not Chris Evans and I am not Jimmy Fallon. I think that's clear, right? Right. So then why are you answering all my questions like I'm interviewing you about the new Avengers movie instead of you asking me questions because this is a freaking date and ideally you'd care about who I am as a person, whyyyyy.”

Maybe you are bad at follow up questions. In my last dating situation it was hard for me to get a word in so when I got the chance I had to run with that shit until I reached the end zone. Plus, let's be honest here: its is an interview. Some chicks talk to guys like its a job interview because they wanna get to the important questions like job shit, relationship shit, kid shit, and future shit. This is why I am bad at dating and meeting new people. That stuff is boring as fuck to me and likely the last thing I'll talk about. I love asking people questions (my friends are probably sick of them) and if I don't like the answers or you just suck at answering questions I'll stop asking. Or...he always knows you won't fuck him so he's not bothering to ask this not sex giver anything else.

“When you're in the middle of a conversation and he looks at his phone. Like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea you were the King of Nothing and had to respond to your many subjects who all desperately need you to respond in the middle of my story about my grandma dying last year. Pardon me!!!'”

This I can not relate to since I have never owned a cell phone. But he sounds like almost every other person I have met. People have a hard time not looking at their phones. On my end it seems like I am boring them or there is something more interesting coming through their science remote. And what's with sharing a grandma dying story on a date? Hopefully its not first date. That's just bad form and like school on Sunday.

“Guys who never really laugh. I know some women do this too but seriously, what is this??? I swear I don't expect every single person on earth to think I'm hilarious, but people who don't laugh at all ever or barely laugh like it's a kitten sneeze that escaped their mouth are confounding. Plus, if you never laugh at anything I say, I feel like you hate me or you hate fun, and either way, that's a turn-off.”

Who are these super villains that this chick is hanging out with? A bigger turn off is a chick that thinks she is funny when she is not. They are laughing at their own shit as they are trying to make you laugh so I have to sit there with my “Where is this going?” face hoping it looks like I'll laugh at any moment. I don't think I am funny and would never describe myself as such but friends think I am but I won't try to make them laugh. I also won't hang out with serious people. They tend to talk about work too much.

“Guys who look anywhere but in your direction when you are talking to them. This would be borderline funny if it wasn't so insane. Like, are you checking out someone behind me? Is one of your contacts acting up and you're trying to move your eyeball around so it adjusts itself? Or are you just unable to look at me for more than 30 seconds at a time? Either way, call me crazy but if we're hanging out, it'd be chill if you looked at me even once.”

I don't look at people for very long when I talk to them. Its some old shit from my childhood that I refuse to work on. And people feel judged when they are stared at for more than a few seconds. I fell in love a few months ago and would look at this woman and inside be like “I am so in love with this chick I am listening to what she is saying but now I am staring and she has to know that I don't stare this long at anything but the sky oh no I am still staring and should probably stop but not too quickly great I am still staring.” I have had girls I liked ask me “Is something wrong?” when I stared at them thinking they had food on their chin or something. You stare at me for too long and I'll think you either wanna fight or fuck. What's it gon' be, missy?

“Guys who can't stop talking about one thing that honestly doesn't matter. Like it's great that you love your job or you love Crossfit or you love your Wii, but anyone who has one kind of 'who cares' hobby and seemingly zero interests outside that one hobby is maddening. Because if I love Crossfit too, then yay, let's keep talking Crossfit. But if I don't and the only source of conversation you have is Crossfit, I'm dying. I'm dead.”

Just say you aren't into it. I am into a lot of random shit that I know some of my friends don't care about either because they don't respond to the pictures/music/podcasts/blogs I send them. So I stop. Or when I talk to them (on my home phone) I can sense they don't care. If you can't tell someone you don't care about whatever they are into you deserve to hear about it in great detail.

“Guys who smell like they gave up on the concept of showering. I know everyone's body smells different and no one's perfect, but we've all gone out with that guy who is like, 'Hygiene? What hygiene? I am too lazy to shower, LOL,' and wanted to run from the table because they smell like a feral cat in a dumpster. And then it's also super sad because it's like, 'We could've had something if you'd taken five minutes to wash your filthy, dirty bod.'”

It could be a medical condition like trimethylaminuria. Or they are just a funkbot. I won't even hang out with someone that is funky because I don't need that stress in my life and I smell things well. Except flowers. I am willing to bet that if a guy smells like fresh ass but is a 9 or 10 that a woman will put up with it for longer than a guy that smells like good vivid childhood memories but is a 5.

“When he says 'You're not like the other girls because _____.'Whatever fills in that blank is always misogynist as hell because what are you even saying? 'Most girls' aren't funny or cool or smart or into comic books or whatever other thing you're trying to compliment me on? Because guess what? All my friends are pretty much all the things I am, and you sound like a turd right now.”

“Misogynist: a person who hates, dislikes, mistrusts, or mistreats women.” How do you even get in touch with someone you would use that word against? I like that its used in a post titled “12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys.” This kinda shit also keeps me from complimenting women. I said out loud to a woman “I don't think I've ever told you how pretty you are” and she told me that she has a thing about that and doesn't like it. The fuck?! Never brought up her looks again. Now she'll drag that to her next relationship thinking she is ugly.

“When he asks you to hang out with him and his friends, and then makes no effort to include you. So then you're just stuck wondering if this guy even likes you and trying to talk to his guy friends who have no idea why you're there anyway.”

Congratulations! You just met an asshole! I have been taken to gatherings by people and abandoned. Know what I do? Disappear. I will get the fuck out of there and if they ask why I vanished later I'll tell them. You brought me to a place I don't know with people I don't know and left me alone. Sometimes I will stumble upon another lost soul and we'll talk but not often. If someone does this and you say nothing it for sure will happen again.

“When he calls his ex 'crazy.' Like, dude, we know that the odds that your calling your ex crazy actually being code for you calling all women crazy at some point (meaning you'll one day call us crazy) are pretty solid. So we do not mess with you after you say this.”

Guess what? Some ex's are crazy! Some are bat-shit crazy but good in bed. That's the male version of the female's attraction to the bad boy. I have two that I would classify as legit crazy and some as confusing as all fuck like “What land mine did I tap dance my Black ass into?” I have heard a lot of women describe an ex as a loser with no ambition and it sounds just like me. Maybe the chick that wrote this is having some shit hit too close to home.

“When he gives zero fucks about the way he looks. No one's perfect, but I know so many guys who wear stained T-shirts they got as a gift when they were 13 that hold zero sentimental value and say some junk like 'Corporate FunRun 2008' when they didn't even run in a FunRun, and it's not worn ironically. It's just a T-shirt and they don't care, which usually also translates to their poor-fitting jeans and janky New Balance dad sneakers with barely tied laces. Again, it's fine to not like fashion or want to just be yourself, but guys who just couldn't care less about being presentable on a date (especially when women are expected to do a ton of date prep) is a no.”

Comfort. That is what most things in life should be about. If the way a guy dresses bothers you then move on. I am sure some equally comfortable woman will think he's fine. There's a chance that some chick has seen me walking the street in my Macho Man tanktop and leather jacket and thought “If only he didn't wear a purple shirt with that coat I'd put my stank on his hang low...” But you know what? Good. Let those people pass through my life like a fart in a Trader Joe aisle. I think its cute when a woman wants to change a man as if that one thing is all that is wrong with him. We know its a slippery slope. Next its his hair, his cologne, his car, his friends, his job, and his dick size.

“Long, dirty nails. Nooooo. Not only is it just gross but also your chances of getting anywhere near my body with your dirty animal claws just went down to negative zero.”

I keep my nails down to nothing and cut and file them weekly. I've never scratched a woman and matter of fact my nails are on point than almost anyone I have ever dated. I've helped do their damned nails! Next time you are around a woman with long nails (particularly fake ones), ask to look under them sumbitches. Crust City. Crust-crust City, bitch. And while you're at it, lift their toilet seat and stand aghast at that horror show.

“When he lists all the movies/books/music he likes, and there's not a single woman on the list. Or he lists one woman out of 50 men and it's like, 'Beyoncé,' and you're 98 percent sure he just threw her on there so it would look like he also likes 'girl stuff,' which almost makes it even worse. Art made by women is the best and how do you not know this?!”

Years ago me and a friend did a show where we listed out top five funniest comedians. None were women. I couldn't tell you my favorite actress right now. I tend to dislike books written by women (and some written by women using a guys name I didn't like and later found out it was by a woman). Music, that is much easier. I can't tell you my favorite female singers without mentioning their bodies like with Beyoncé. Two words for you: like groceries. But I do like female singers and actresses. I just don't have favorites that I can think of offhand. There are ones I like but not like “Oh, I'll see anything she is in!” the way I am with Tom Hardy or Denzel Washington. See, that's where exploring comes in. My friends that are chicks will show me things or play me music by women that I don't know and I end up enjoying it.

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