Dante Vs. Nature 62

I don't want to really travel. I live in a great state where I can experience any new form of weather by heading in a direction for an hour. I also know what to expect from animals. The tend to stay where they should. Yeah, once in a while a mountain lion will snatch a pet up or a bear will stroll through Sylmar, but for the most part they know their place. But not in Bangkok. This 38 year old guy named Attaporn Boonmakchuay was using a squat toilet (another reason why I won't travel) when suddenly his dick was attacked. No, not by an overly excited wife or a jealous girlfriend. But by a 10 foot goddamn python!

He says that he fought to remove the python from his dick for thirty minutes with the help of his wife and a neighbor. I don't even have a friend that I am close enough to where I'd help do this. Let me be specific. A male friend. I'd yank a snake off a female friends vajayjay in the hopes of putting another one in. Yeah. I'm single. His wife eventually tied a rope around the python while Attaporn (whose name sounds like what I say when I finish watching a good clip on Pornhub) pried the jaws from his dick and promptly passed right the fuck out.

Workers showed up and took the toilet apart where the monster was still wrapped in the damn thing. Then they let it out back into the wild. No! I know there are a lot of animal lovers that will disagree with this (and anything else I say in these Vs. Nature posts) but that thing would be dead. I'd wear it as a vest. It now has the taste for human flesh. Human dick flesh! His doctor said “He has a really good attitude...even though his own wife and children were in shock. He's been smiling and giving interviews all day from his bed.”

I would imagine his wife and children were in shock! They just saw their husband and father fighting off a monster that attacked his penis! For the kids its like their homeland. They came from there. Its like when you find out that a house that you grew up in was demolished. I would be skittish about using the toilet from now on. I'd put a grid or something over the hole so this shit never happened again. I would never be able to comfortably squat over my poop hole without thinking of that one time a python bit my junk.

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