Five Things I Learned Having Crushes

I get crushes. Not often but it happens and when it does I tend to sigh heavily on the inside and moan like a sick whale on the outside. I don't know about you but when I have a crush it tends to be more annoying than this fun experience like it is in movies. For me a crush is different than liking someone. When I like someone, or god forbid fall in love, it is definite and there will be some action taken. When it's a crush it can drag on for damn near a year of questioning everything from my clothing choices to multi-verses where I'm far more confident in my ability to confront these wicked city women I fall for. In this Five Things I Learned Having Crushes you will get a taste of my struggle. There are really more than five but you don't need to know that much about me. You already know too much. Stop being nosy. I'll be getting some help with this from Ralph Wiggum.

I'm My Own De-Motivational Speaker

Since I'm currently in the process of having a crush on someone this is going to be easy. When I have a crush my confidence sinks to new lows that don't happen with any other aspect of my life that I can think of. If you ask me to do something I'll usually say yes to it even without knowing how just so I can learn how and add it to the list of things I can do. But ask me why someone should like me when I have a crush on them and I have trouble coming up with reasons why they should.

I can make a list of qualities about myself that should send every woman running away from me when I have a crush. I'll even shady style talk to them and say why they should not like me. I'll talk about my looks (I'm a solid 4 and a strong 6 in a suit). I'll talk about my lack of life goals other than living long enough to see another good Batman film. The fact that I don't drive and have never owned a credit card. I can go on and on with this. It pretty much boils down to me making myself seem like trash so when the person ends up not liking me it's not shocking but expected. I prove myself right before it even really begins. It doesn't help that most of my crushes have loved guys that look the opposite of me.

I'm Also My Own Best Hype Man

On the other side of that is the fact that I start thinking of all the reasons why someone should like me. This goes into overdrive if I have seen the guys they have dated or the type of guys that they like. I will think of all the creative things I can do. I will point out that I am clean and enjoy cleaning. When I work I do a good job. I'm not in any form of debt. I'm still kinda smart. I won't embarrass you in front of friends and family. I give endless massages. I've sent a woman to the chiropractor from sex. I'm pretty even tempered. When I drink I just laugh more. Fuck a crush! You should be in love with me!

The bad thing about this part of the crush process is that it tends to come close to the time I realize that someone has zero interest in me. I know I'm not bad and have not been a shitty boyfriend and if you gathered my ex's the biggest issue they would have is that I talk to women and my best friend is a girl. Other than that I have been attentive as hell, polite to their families, cooked for them, and let them vent about their jobs and lives. The hype period is short lived but feels nice.

Post Traumatic Crush Disorder

I will never forget my first crushy-crush. I liked girls when I was little, like when I was 5 and 6 years old. But when I was 10 I had a for reals crush on this girl who shall remain nameless with her buck-toothed ass. My friend told her that I liked her and her response was “He's pretty. And he's ugly. I guess he's pretty ugly!” Scarred. Young Dante was scarred by this toothy bitch and almost 30 years later I still remember her triumphant laughter. When I think of being rejected by a girl even all these years later, that girls laugh crosses my mind and makes me hesitant about saying anything.

Last year I had a bionic crush on someone. For about five months I fought this feeling until it got to the point I was making myself and friends and family sick of hearing about it. I finally told her with a huge lump in my throat and dragging 10 year old me kicking and screaming. As you can guess she did not feel the same and I was not surprised because of the de-motivational speaker. He knew what the guys she has dated in the past looked like. What their personalities were like. Their jobs. Their hobbies. I was the complete opposite of them and knew that chances were slim that she would even kinda feel the same way about me as I felt about her. But I took that shot...and missed. But I am glad that I tried because I was losing sleep over that shit.

Sizing Up Competition

I am fully aware that there are some battles I can't win. If a woman is in love with guys that have green eyes and long hair I am fucked. Or not fucked. Or touched. Sometimes I could be the wrong race. By the way, if some girl I like or has a crush on ever ends up on the receiving end up my chocolate hammer I really don't need to know that I am the first Black guy they have been with. Mr. Vivid Imagination over here just pictures you banging the Rainbow Coalition and working your way down to me. Just keep it to yourself. Does nothing for me. Not like my ancestors start singing or something. I have been told this a few times and knew before they opened their mouths (there's this weird trying to impress me thing that happens sexually). If I have a crush on a girl and the guy is sort of similar to me in some way its like leaving the door cracked open. I may have a chance no matter how small. It's totally yay for me and yeesh for them.

Time Is My Frenemy

I wait a very long time to let someone know I like them. This is past the crush phase when I work up enough nerve to say something or they know how I feel and get tired of my skittish ass dancing around the issue. I go between thinking it is obvious that I am into them and thinking I shouldn't waste their time or mine by saying something and if I wait long enough this feeling will pass and I can go back to contemplating my role in the universe or waiting for morning wood to no longer be a thing anymore.

I have taken so long to say something that women have thought that I didn't like them, was gay, or straight up could not stand them. The not liking them was explained to me as me just talking to them and not flirting. Full disclosure: if I flirt it is on accident. I do not know how to purposely be flirty or charming. The gay thing is the gay thing. Dealt with that my whole life. I have been told that I didn't stare at them or try to get their number or surround them with other guys. God forbid I treat a woman like a human and not an object. And the thought that I could not stand them comes from the fact that sometimes I like someone so much I can't talk to them normally so I shut up or not look at them. I'll want to but it just turns into me ramming into them like an elephant or trying to will them into knowing I am into them. It doesn't work and I should probably work on a new technique but who needs that when I can watch One Punch Man for the third time?!

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