The Seven Ex's You'll Have

This post is gonna apply to men and women so don't get confused when I switch between terms like “he” and “she” and shit like that. I mean, that doesn't even matter to a lot of folks these days. Its just a regular ol' bangarang orgy in these streets! In this post The Seven Ex's You'll Have I will talk just about that. This will of course include some experiences I've had in the past and since I ain't had a real girlfriend in four years or any stank on my hang low in over one I feel that I am an expert in talking about this kinda thing. Or not. Either way I have a blog, fingers, and too many opinions I like to share with strangers. 

The Split Personality

This one can be because of many things. It can be because they aren't medicated when they should be. Too medicated. They turn into someone else when they are drunk/high. But a lot of times they are just a good old fashioned asshole. You know, that thing we like to pretend doesn't exist anymore? Yeah. That. Some people just suck and its not because they were raised a certain way or were treated badly growing up. Some people just straight up like making people miserable, and oh joy of joys, they somehow ended up in your bed or Odin forbid living with you.

Pros: Sex. So much sex. All of the sex. Mouth sex. Hand sex. Butt sex. Foot sex. Whatever. You're getting it enough to keep you from leaving but you don't mind because nothing feels better than walking into work with sore hips from all the sex you've been getting.

Cons: This relationship is 80% bad. While that 20% of it is fun and all you have that voice of a friend from years ago saying “You deserve better” or a guidance counselor or some shit saying you have low self esteem. You always wanted to work on it and bought books and audio tapes which are now used to balance your coffee table. Now you are a magnet for hurt people that like to hurt people.

The Mystery

This is the one you look back on and ask yourself “What did I like about that person?” You kind of knew what they did for a living. You knew of their friends but didn't meet them except that one that was oddly quiet or when they did talk your ex gave them a look. You know the look. You knew almost nothing about their family and would hear about family gatherings but you were never invited because fuck you, right? You were together and then not and it didn't make all that much of a difference in your life.

Pros: They had very little impact on your life. You try and think back about what led you to date this person and can't come up with any concrete answers. Maybe it was because they were funny. Maybe they were cute. Maybe they were something to keep the other side of your bed warm. Either way, no harm no foul. Right?

Cons: It was a waste of time. They were here then gone and you are left with nothing but questions. I had one of these relationships last year. Even though they didn't do anything like steal your money of bang one of your friends these kinda relationships just leave this strange bit of doubt in the back of your mind about your decision making process in regards to dating.

The Cooler

This was the one that could change the mood of the room just by entering. Heaven forbid they started talking. What you liked about them is exactly what your friends hated: just by being around people had to behave differently. This could be because they wore their political/religious views on their sleeve and dared people to challenge them. Or because once they started sharing their views everyone including you would wonder why this conversation grenade was invited to the party. When this person was around the party was less fun, the food less delicious, and your buzz wore off immediately.

Pros: Confident. This person was super confident in who they were as a person and was not willing to change. In some people this can be a great trait which is why you were attracted to them. They were also fairly quiet and calming which is what you needed after your last relationship.

Cons: You will wonder what your friends have been up to since you broke up with this person because they were not even trying to hang out with you and this vanilla yogurt. After you break up with them your friends will make their feelings known which will then in turn make you question how close you were with them in the first place.

The Soul Mate

Ah, the one that got away. We all have that one ex that was perfect. They were funny, they got along with your friends and family, they didn't hit you up for cash, they didn't complain all the time, and they shared a lot of the same interests as you did. So...yeah. Why aren't you two dating anymore?

Pros: Everything listed above including the fact that you could have the sex.

Cons: Comfort or as some say predictability. As much as some people don't like to admit it, they want drama in their relationships. Someone can be everything that you need but not what you want. You need someone that is stable, does not fight with you, comes home every night, and gives you foot rubs without asking for anything in return. What you look for is someone that picks fights, hates everyone you know, likes to drink a bit too much, and calls you fat. I would blame this all on low self esteem but the truth of the matter is some people just love doing things the hard way.

The Riddler

There's no other way to put this. This person is a goddamn riddle and I hate riddles. You ask if they are okay they won't say yes or no. They make sounds. You have to interpret everything that they say or do and sometimes even wonder if you're dating a mime. This person refuses to give straight answers to questions which always ends in you going to sleep pissed off.

Pros: They're quiet.

Cons: These type of people tend to turn into stalkers. Makes no sense but its true. After you two split all that time and energy they spent not talking to you becomes fuel to keep tabs on you and keep trying to contact you online after you have escaped their strange clutches. This leads me to the next one.

The Stalker

You two dated for less than a month. It was fun at the start but got sour as some swim trunks left in a plastic grocery bag for three weeks. You went your separate ways and you thought that was the end of it. Until you started getting Facebook friend requests. Then text messages. Then random phone calls. Then random dick pics. If you are smart you blocked this person or never responded to them. That's when they turn shit up to 11 and start threatening you.

Pros: Uh...at least someone likes you?

Cons: You don't have enough violent cousins to combat this person. Whenever I hear a chick has a stalker the first thing I ask is if she has cousins or siblings because where I'm from that shit lasts moments. The strange thing about this is that a lot of women go super easy on these type of guys. They don't want to call police and get them in trouble. Yeah. Know what's better than worrying about getting some asshole in trouble and/or arrested? Going to sleep comfortably. There ain't nothing cute about having your life controlled by some psycho you ain't even with anymore and barely know.

The Clinger

You will never need to own a puppy as long as this person is around. When you head to the kitchen they are right behind you. You go take a shit they are waiting outside the bathroom door. They ask if you need anything and when you say you don't they will ask a few more times until you are upset and then ask why you are upset and try to make you no longer feel upset by asking if you need anything. You tell them to leave you alone and then they go and sit in the corner looking all sad and shit which ends up making you mad that you feel bad for them. They may have been raised this way or got this way due to past relationships. Either way it's now your problem.

Pros: All of the affection and attention you could have ever asked for and more. No need to ever feel lonely because this person no longer talks to their friends or family because you exist. Your arms may atrophy due to never having to pick up things anymore.

Cons: You ever wake up with someone staring at you? Shits creepy! These kind of people are cute in movies but in real life annoying as all get out. When you got to wipe your ass they are holding the toilet paper for you. How you get in here?! Whether you want to or not this person will make you feel bad for not accepting all of their attention or reciprocating it.

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