Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

The G Force

Bend your knees, sit between your heels, then lie alllll the way back (go ahead and use a pillow for your head/back if you can't get all the way there). Your partner, who gets off easy in this one — in all that implies — mounts you on all fours. If your legs don't go numb, you will get some well-aimed internal stimulation, and you'll have hands free for A+ clit access.

So this where we starting, huh? Any sex move with the word “force” in it is gonna hurt. Even if a chick said she was gonna give me “mouth force” I'd be nervous as hell. And how is me being on my knees hunched over like a freak getting off easy? This is the definition of getting off difficulty. I'm not a lady but I don't think getting dicked down while doing the limbo is fun. There should be a time limit for this. Like five seconds. That's just about long enough to go “You know what? No. This dumb.”

The Reverse Wheelbarrow

Lie on your back—that's it, that's your only job. He stands at your feet, lifts your legs and hoists your hips up to his so that he can mount you like a MFing caveman. Keep your chin tucked to your chest so you don't break something. He'll be able to hold you up longer if he stands back against a wall and holds some of your weight against his body.

I have seen this in porn and it's always a funny look because if a chick has big breasts they just slap her about the jaw the entire time. You have to keep your chin tucked like you are practicing gymnastics or as she puts it “you don't break something.” Oh, yeah. Sounds fun. I wonder how many people have used a wheelbarrow because if you have chances are you've done that thing where you slip or trip and fall forward. Now you both laying there looking stupid. And I like big women. I'm not trying to hold you up in that weird position while making sure my dick don't get broke. Yes, that is a real thing. It's real in them sheets!

The Safety Piledriver

The Piledriver is a porn favorite but rarely appears IRL because it ends up with everyone in tears and neck braces for all. Try this modified version instead: Lie on a couch with your butt up on the top of the back cushions and your head hanging off the front of the front cushions. Your partner stands over you, feet on the seat cushion, bending his knees and holding on to the back of the couch (safety first!). Still hot, but no on-call medics required.

I call this The Hospitalizer which also happens to be the old name for my dick. As well as God's Last Gift, Tim Burton, The Boxcutter, Chocolate Hammer, Homewrecker, and Reverse Rapture. Don't judge me. I have watched wrestling for almost 40 years and if you say piledriver to me I think of something way different. Look at that weird shit! You could actually end up piledriving someone doing this!

One false move and minutes later you are standing at your front door with a blanket wrapped around your body crying while your lady has one as well...covering her dead body because you thought sex advice from Cosmo was a good idea! Best case: you get to laugh about this later while icing each other down. Worst: she gets dropped on her head or she ends up in a sit-down powerbomb.

The Deep Lunge

Put your Warrior One skills to good use in a you-on-top position. Your partnrt (I am not fixing her typo!) lies flat on their back, you get on top with one leg straight down between theirs and the other bent so your foot is beside their chest. You'll have way more leverage and staying power, plus you can grind as you please.

This is also known as The Dick Snapper or The Divorce Maker. Look at that horseshit. If she starts shaking while getting into this position you need to just stop her. Even if you can hold herself up you have to trust her ass 100% because you could end up having her jazz split on your dick. I don't want that. You don't want that. Nobody wants that! But keep that image of her quivering face in mind the next time you feel like doing some weird shit.

Weightless Oral

Have oral sex like the astronauts do (note: not actually verified.) You lie face down on a bed with your hips at the edge of the mattress. Your extra-strong partner stands by the side of the bed, lifts your legs over their shoulders, holds you up by the hips, and gets to work between your legs. Floaty and blissy for you, semi-strenuous for them. If the oral and hoisting combo is too much, have them kneel and replace the oral with a hard-working toy.

This is for those of you with a four foot high mattress or you as a guy is only 3 feet tall. This is not something you do with someone you just met. She needs to be just out of the shower and you have to have big ass shoulders. Like me. Birthing shoulders. You are gonna be nose deep in ass with this one so Tiffany that you just grinded with for an hour in the club is not gonna be the woman you do this with. Unless you that kinda freak which you may be because you are trying crazy ass sexual positions you found on the internet.

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