The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

When I worked downtown years ago I held a door open for a lady, not because I wanted her to sit on my face, but because that's what I do. I don't care what you were born with between your legs or now identify with I hold doors open. This woman gave me the dirtiest of looks and I was like “Oh, fuck this.” I wasn't expecting a thank you or anything. But to give me that look? I wanted her to drown in cooking oil. There seems to be no right way to talk to people today and this is bad for someone like me. If I don't talk people think I am crazy and want to shoot folks. If I open my mouth I say things that are not socially acceptable or not sensitive enough. When did I become Archie Bunker?!

Right now Harvey Weinstein is in the middle of a huge shitstorm that he conjured up and should be praying for death's sweet release. For years people have known that he was touching, having sex with, and harassing women and men. Years. It's like Bill Cosby doping and raping women. Years people knew. Years they sat by and let it happen to them and others or were afraid to come forward and say it publicly. If I am sleeping at a haunted house I'd like for someone to let me know beforehand. Now there is a hashtag of #MeToo that seems to have come and gone were women have talked about being harassed, raped, or generally really fucking annoyed by horndog ass men. In reality 99.9% of women should have posted that hashtag because dudes can be horrible. I assume that almost every single woman I have met has been sexually something'd at one time or another by men and women. But there are also some men out there that have had these same things happen that keep quiet about it.

This post isn't about me coming out and saying that it has happened to me. This is about the guys out there, the white knights, that are talking about past experiences in which they may have made some woman feel uncomfortable because of what they did or said or for the love of fuck thought. I do not make promises I can not keep. I can not promise to not think everything in that first paragraph again because I know for a fact I will. But the people that know me know that I am not an actor of my thoughts. I am probably the busiest lazy person they know. I have close to zero initiative when it comes to disturbing another life which keeps me from trying to date someone let alone tell a woman how cute she looks in the hopes of being with her/ruining her life/being a micro-aggressor. Yeah, that's a thing now. When things like this amplify the blowback is way harder. 

What I'm saying is that for as much as I keep to myself that shit is going to be even more amplified now. You post a picture where you look cute that shit will not get liked. Change your hair and I will pretend nothing happened. I do not want to be a part of your horror story. I leave you alone, never ask if you want my advice, let doors slam shut in your face, glue my toilet seat up, don't offer to pay in fear of offending you, burn every Valentine's Day card I see, and wait for you to propose marriage to me. Trust me. The word will be a better place.