The Seven People You Meet Around New Years

It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 2

Click here for Part 1.

Just as I finished getting dressed in my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings. I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.

“Why aren't you answering the phone?” Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep calling.”

“Let him keep calling I don't even care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I decide to check the messages president left.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 1

“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.

“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”

“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.

“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.

“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”

72 Inch Ass

I saw a woman with a 72 inch ass. Not in, like, real life. But online. By the way, for those of you that use words like “triggered” or say things like “it's their body they can do what they want” you should just click away from this right now unless you want to debate someone that only debates things like Batman, the best wrestlers from the 80's, and making bets on the next time I get some ass. You still here? Okay good. Now prepare to have some random ass Black dude talk to you about some woman in Europe that decided to mutilate her body. “But you have tattoos, Dante! You have damaged your body as well!” Ah, fuck off. It's not the same and you know it.