“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.
“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”
“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.
“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.
“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”
“Nah wun!” Milly shouted in agreement causing everyone to wince. She was getting better at controlling her super scream but not much.
“You know you're gonna help them, Walter” Ronica said. “You just want them to ask.”
“No” I said. “I want them to ask nicely.”
“...of rising tides in many parts of the world affecting fish and...”
“Oh, no!” I shout. “It's like that movie Hitchhiker's Guide to the Guardians of the Galaxy Quest! They trying to steal all our dolphins!”
“I know what you are trying to say but you're still wrong” Ronica sighs. “I think they're doing something to the moon which is messing with the tides.”
“When you get so smart?” I ask her which makes her smile and nudge me. “Want some sex?”
“The planets' being invaded right now, you freak” she says. I just stare at her. “Maybe after you save the planet.”
“But I want some now...”
“Go save the planet, Walter!”
“Fiiiiiiine...” I moan as my phone rings. It's my mom. “Mommy!”
“What's going on?” she asks me. “I recall having a son that is a superhero and once defeated an alien but for some reason there's a massive spaceship floating above our planet and he hasn't gone to check it out. Isn't that weird?”
“Someone has a case of the Monday's...”
“It's Wednesday, Walter” she says. “Now go save the planet.”
“Sorry, mommy. Yes, mommy.” She hangs up and I sigh. “I swear. It's like there's some new brand of cereal called Jerk Flakes and everyone got free samples but me. Bunch of spoiled people. Might be good this ship showed up. Straighten all you out. I've saved this planet from aliens already.”
“You farted in its face...” Zazz says under his bad breath.
“Farted in its face good...”
“Maybe this time it'll be more difficult?” Aimee says. She looks really worried. Like foreign worried. Foreign worried looks way different than American worried. More whites in her eyes. Quivering lip. Raised eyebrows. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks.
“Yeah, Panic” Zazz says puffing out his chest. “Why are you looking at her like that?”
“Aimee, you better get your man before he gets a first class ticket to the atmosphere” I warn her. “Ronnie, you gonna just let them talk to me like that? Your man? The father of your child? The one who is going to go fight space aliens and save the entire planet?”
“You really should go put on some clothes” she says. I look down and am only wearing socks.
“Sweet red-assed baboon titties!” I shout. “Why didn't anyone mention that I was naked?!”
“You've been naked for two days” Ronica says.
“I thought it was an experiment maybe” Aimee says. I liked her better when she could barely speak English. “As if 'Look at me! I am the Johnny Panic! Clothes are beneath me!'”
“I'd be mad at you thinking that if I wasn't now thinking that is a great idea” I say and head upstairs to put on some clothes. And I make sure to bend over every chance I get. “Oops!” I say as I knock the remote over and slowly pick it up. “Oops!” I say again as I drop it again. “Oooops!”
“We get it, Walter” Ronica says. “Now go change.” Milly just laughs.
“Oh, I'm gonna change...” I say and shake my fist. “I'm gonna change so hard.”
“Speaking of which...” Zazz says.
“Don't act like you don't like it.”