Kids These Days 76

There are certain news stories I see pop up and it makes me think “What, that's illegal?” or “You weren't supposed to do that with your kids?” I'm not saying that the way I was raised was properly handled. For sure I'm not saying that. I'm not even saying it was terrible. It was just different. In this Kids These Days post I am gonna talk about some concerns parents have today and how I handled them growing up. Meaning how I ended up all fucked up and weird.

Left in hot cars. When I was little I got left in hot cars all the time while my parents went shopping. It wasn't seen as a bad thing for me such as a boring thing. There ain't shit to do in a locked car but sweat and attempt to talk to a sibling. After twenty seconds of no success I'd start looking around for shit inside. But under no circumstances were we allowed to get out of the car. “Why didn't they roll the windows down?” you ask. Probably fear of someone stealing the car. I guess. Or I was being slow roasted in the worst way.

I remember vividly the smell of hot interior and sweating my ass off in the car until my parents got back. Ah, the feeling of a car door opening and fresh air coming in and the wind on my face as the car began to move...followed by the terrible car sickness I used to get when I was young. Reports say that on average 37 kids die in hot cars a year. That is a lot of hot kids in cars. When I see stories about it nowadays the cops are called and windows are bust the windows open, pulling a sweaty child out while the parent is like “Uh...I was only gone for a few minutes!” No, you wasn't! You got receipts from four places and a smoothie!

Latchkey kid. “A latchkey kid is a child who returns from school to an empty home, or a child who is often left at home with little parental supervision, because their parent or parents are away at work.” Or their parents are just out running them streets! When I was little there were plenty of times when me and my brother would be left home alone. After we switched schools he was given the house key so we could get inside. He would forget it sometimes and we would have to break into our own house through the bathroom window. Try that kinda shit today and you'll end up a hashtag.

I didn't know this but three states have laws about latchkey kids. In Illinois you have to be at least 14 years old to be left alone at home. In Maryland it is 8, and in Oregon it is 10. I would be pissed if I had to wait till 14 to be left alone. I never would have discovered scrambled porn on Playboy Channel. The side effects of being a latchkey kid are applicable if you have a kid that you weren't raising properly in the first place. What kept me from doing more dumb shit when left alone (other than forgetting I was boiling eggs, coating the carpet with dish washing liquid making big ass bubbles) was the threat of having my ass beat later. Kids don't worry about that anymore. If you try to hit a kid chances are that shit is being live streamed at the same time. Back when I was growing up in the 80's the biggest threats were being kidnapped or trains running you down because you love walking on tracks while listening to your Walkman. Today kids are taught to be afraid of everything by parents that are afraid of everything and take just as many pills as them.

Vaping kids. The kids are vaping! Stop the presses, I say! The kids are shooting smoke from their faceholes! Okay. I don't have kids. You have to have things like stable employment, someone to like you, and the actual desire to bring another life into this frightening planet. Right now people are up in arms over kids using vape pens and such because they think it is a gateway to weed and cigarettes. Me, as a non-parent, would rather find out my kid is vaping than the litany of other shit that kids be doing. I would rather my kid look like a fucking idiot blowing clouds out their face than have them on all kinds of medications, the multiple “challenges” they do, or posting videos online shouting racists shit.

Let's say I am a parent that doesn't want my kid vaping. The first thing I'd have to ask myself is where the fuck my kid got money from. It's not from me! I'd ask why they are doing it because if they are doing it just because their friends are or to look cool I have fucked up somewhere along the way. I'd talk to them in between my virtual reality sessions with Rosario Dawson and find out the truth. And if they don't tell me I'll just plug them into some futuristic machine that is available and just get the real answer. Yeah, I'm gonna go full Black Mirror on 'em.

Children with concussions. When I was little the word concussion was not ever mentioned. I watched boxing all the time and you just said KO. Someone got knocked out, they would be wobbly, and then they would have a headache. There was no one talking about the repercussions of knockouts and that over time they could cause all kinds of brain damage. Yeah, there would be the old boxer that slurred his speech but that was because he was a bad fighter and couldn't block enough punches. Turns out that concussions can be caused even when your stupid head isn't hit!

Some of the symptoms are headaches, feeling groggy, memory problems, numbness, sleeping problems, the inability to pay attention, mood changes, and vomiting. Sounds like me after bad sex. I can think of a few instances where I for sure got a concussion. One time my brother pounced me into a wall that left a knot on my head that looked like a horn, another time I ran into a door playing tag at school and was out for fifteen seconds, and the weirdest was when I was playing on the lawn wrestling and this kid jumped ass first onto my chest. I sprung up, said I was gonna lay down, passed out for three hours, woke up, and cut my hair. I saw all kinda pretty sparkles that day. All that and I used to use my head as a weapon in fights. Parents have taken their kids out of sports and they have tried to institute more safety protocols which people like me that grew up with no knowledge of the effects of concussions don't like because it doesn't seem as fun. Now I just feel bad watching sports where people can be knocked out. Barely watch boxing, wrestling is just sad now, and football hasn't been fun for years. Now I just watch PRIDE and see dudes get leg kicked until they scream. So...better?

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