Kids These Days 84

I am so glad I don't have or want kids. A lot of it is because I know that I could not raise a kid in this insane ass world or keep them away from using the internet and likely trying dumb shit like this Skull Breaker Challenge. I guess if the intent is to ruin someone's life it could be considered a challenge. There have been so many that I don't keep track of and write about and stumbled upon this bullshittery. This is not a challenge or a prank. This is assault. I'm not someone who cries wolf...often. But if I had a kid that participated in this I would leave them at a fire station regardless of how old they were or treat them like a parent in the 80's. Translate that however you want.

This ”challenge” consists of having three people standing side by side. The one in the middle, let's call them the victim, jumps up in the air and has their legs swept from underneath them while in the air. They are told they will all jump up at once because you are likely doing this with friends and believe that your friends wouldn't try and change your brain chemistry. I watched a video showing multiple examples of this and I had to stop it. This is coming from someone who watches MMA, wrestling, and boxing. Seeing people hit the back of their heads makes me super cringe because I have done it so many times. The most memorable was chasing someone around a pool and landing back of my head first. There is no other feeling like that. Thankfully I was not knocked out. That happened running into a door face first playing tag a year prior.

The Tide Pod Challenge Is A Thing

Breaking news. Kids may be dumber than suspected. I saw this online and I hope that it is just the news making something out of nothing but it may be happening more than we are aware and that makes my brain sneeze. I have written about some dumb ass challenges that people do and post online like eating donuts, slipping on banana peels, snorting condoms, making themselves ugly, sucking bottles with their lips, setting themselves on fire, stabbing their hands while singing, and pouring salt and ice on their bodies. You know. Things folks think are fun to do for views. This time there is the Tide Pod Challenge. Yeah. That is a thing.

Tide Pods are for doing laundry. You just toss it in the laundry, it bursts somehow through science, and washes your draws. But now people are putting them on their mouths and eating or biting them. Why? If I could tell you why with a definitive answer I'd figure out a way to save the universe which I think I am currently doing by not reproducing.

On one news show the reporter said “I can't even believe I have to say this right now. They are brightly colored and they're very nicely wrapped, but these Tide pods are not candy or pizza toppings or breakfast cereal - they are not edible.” You shouldn't have to say that aloud to anyone that is old enough to understand the language you are speaking. 

Hey, idiot. Laundry detergent can fuck you up. I wish it made idiots sterile. I know that I could not be the parent of a kid that thought doing something like this was a good idea. I wouldn't even take them to the hospital. I'd just stare at them while they shit their soul out and try to find the missing chromosome in my lineage that could possibly be responsible for the punishment I was receiving in the form of a dumb child. Yeah, I snorted detergent when I was a tiny kid but it wasn't because I saw it on TV. I knew that cocaine was a thing and was simulating it. Totally different...

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I hope you parents out there have medical insurance because you are gonna come home to your dumb ass child laying on the floor holding their broken arm because they decided that life was a cartoon. There is a new “challenge” that kids have started called the Banana Peel Challenge. This kid named Jason Oakes started it for reasons. He filmed himself trying to fall while sliding on a banana, posted it on Twitter, and the next thing you know other kids are doing it.

Man Dies Running Krispy Kreme Challenge

“2400 calories, 12 doughnuts, 5 miles, 1 hour. The mantra of the Krispy Kreme Challenge epitomizes the test of physical fitness and gastrointestinal fortitude.” That is how this challenge began and ended for 58 year old Jeff Woods. If you had told me that a 58 year old guy died while trying to run five miles while eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts I would have said “That sounds about right.” He was pronounced dead after being taken to the hospital. 

This event is used to raise money for the North Carolina Children's Hospital in Raleigh, North Carolina. His friends have described him as fun and kind and even though he is not a runner this was something they weren't surprised he would attempt. The way this race goes is you run two and a half miles to a bell tower at the university, eat a dozen donuts, then run back to the start of the race totaling five miles. Now, one regular ass Krispy Kreme has 190 calories. To put that in perspective a can of Coke has 150. A dozen of these donuts is 2,280 calories. 3,500 equal about a pound. The idea of dumping that much shit into my body in such a short amount of time sounds like a terrible dare I wouldn't take. I have eaten some terrible shit and about once a week go all out on bad food like pork rinds, big ass burgers, or pizza. But I would never run that far, eat that much, and try to run back. Especially if I am 58 years old and not a regular runner. But for once they used the word challenge properly. 

Underboob Pen Challenge

There was the Kylie Jenner Challenge. The Condom Challenge. The Don't Judge Me Challenge. The Fire Challenge. The Knife Game. The Salt And Ice Challenge. Now there is the Underboob Pen Challenge other wise known as #underboobpenchallenge or #PenChallenge. Now, I hate most of these challenges because they aren't challenges so much as ways to ruin your face and body for life or just look like an assclown online. But this? This is a “challenge” I can get behind!

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I hate the youth of this world. I don't even care of it makes me sound like an old man. Its true. Bunch of idiots that are going to make sure the future is as terrifying as possible. I found out about this thing called the Condom Challenge. No, its not that thing where I get laid once every two years and have to race to find a condom in my apartment. 

It started off with snorting a condom and pulling it out through your throat. I didn't know that this was the original way to do this. There is no real reason anyone should be doing this. Ever. Unless you just like the idea of video of you sticking a greasy ass condom up your nose and yanking out through your throat. Which you shouldn't. I'm sick of people thinking that doing something like this is a challenge. I would imagine that tying your shoes or crossing the street safely is a challenge for kids that think this stuff is a good idea. Its hard enough doing the Black Guy With No Criminal Record Challenge let alone dying with a condom lodged in my throat.

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I am a dream killer. I know this about myself. Well, dream killer may be too strong of a term. Hope slayer. Wish smasher. Goal crusher. Those sound nicer. I saw this story a little bit ago of this 11 year old kid named Tyler Armstrong that plans on climbing Mt. Everest. I heard this and thought his parents hated him. Why would you let your kid do some shit like this?

Yeah, he's set some other records in the past (climbed Mount Whitney in a day when he was 8, he was the second youngest person to make it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania at 9, he was the youngest to do Mount Aconcagua in Argentina, and in August Mount Elbrus in Russia). But its fucking Mt. Everest. This isn't something that will be done over the weekend. He will have to be there for over a month in conditions made to kill humans. “I'm really excited that I can actually go to Mount Everest, experience the mountain and get to the summit” Yeah. And I was excited about sex until I had it.

Kids These Days 57

My cousin JP told me about this ‪#‎DontJudgeMeChallenge‬ because she knows how to poke a sleeping monster. Literally. I woke up and she sent me a post telling me to check this challenge out. I did. Now I hate the world a tiny bit more. In this challenge that isn't really a challenge people that think they are hot draw all over their faces and do things to make themselves unattractive only to reveal that...surprise! I'm actually someone you'd want to fuck.

On the list of things that you can be judged for are bad skin (scars, acne), glasses, a unibrow, and wild hair. This challenge is the perfect example of why I like women that wear little to absolutely no makeup. That's not you. I talked to Quinno about this once and asked how it'd look if I showed up somewhere with a ponytail and my face a different color than my neck. That shit wouldn't fly because I'm an alleged man. I love how you have to get makeup now that doesn't make your already suffering skin suffer more. These same women that are doing this wouldn't be caught leaving the house with no makeup on and use more in their daily lives than in this challenge.

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If you don't keep kids busy they will find a way to be stupid. Its science. When I was a kid we would get bored and go to sleep. Nowadays kids take pictures of themselves doing dumb shit and post it online. Gone are the days of The Knife Game, Salt & Ice Challenges, drinking liquid nitrogen, snorting Smarties, Krokodil, and fucking Hot Pockets. Yes, those are all real things and I have written about them. The new thing is the Kylie Jenner Challenge.

No, its not a thing where you challenge her to Mortal Kombat. What kids are doing is taking a shot glass, bottle, pill container, or the truly stupid a very small bottle, and sticking their lips into it to enlarge them. Below will be images that may gross you right the fuck out so proceed with caution.

You have been warned.

What People Care About This Week: ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is all the rage right now but I doubt many people who are now doing it know exactly what it is or even what they are even doing the challenge for. Like most things that are the rage, like that Harlem Shake stuff that happened a while back, people see it and want to tape themselves doing it for views, not the cause. I've always known ALS as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Here's a description of what ALS is and how it effects people.

“Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as 'Lou Gehrig's Disease,' is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.” Source ALSA.org.

Kids These Days 42

I know I have mentioned some dumb things kids these days do. The Knife Game and the Salt and Ice one are just a couple. But I'll be damned if they haven't managed to come up with a game that is so stupid that it makes me question not only the future but the definition of the word “game.” This new shit is called the Fire Challenge and it is turning kids into S'Mores.

Now how this is played is you set yourself on fire. That's it. They stand in a shower usually, pour some alcohol or whatever else they have around that is flammable, and set themselves on fire. Look. This is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard in my life. This is a level of idiocy that my brain can't even comprehend. If I were a computer there would be a spinning pinwheel loading for hours in a sad attempt to make this something I could understand.