It has been years since I have tried to
save you all and look at what's happened. Wars all over the world. A
freak for a president. Hawaii is being very Hawaiian. It's nuts. So I
have returned once again to try and teach you goofy bastards how to
save yourself from yourselves because y'all like to leave the house
and when that happens weird and violent shit occurs. In this Dante
Saves You I'll save you from the various Jurassic Parks. Why? Because
there are fucking dinosaurs there and you need to not go but decided
to anyway because you wanted a selfie with something that could eat
you and be hungry again before it even shits you out.
So You're At Jurassic Park
“During a preview tour, a theme park
suffers a major power breakdown that allows its cloned dinosaur
exhibits to run amok.” So you are invite to this new place to check
it out and make sure shit is going smooth so investors can calm down
and keep investing in this murder factory. Turns out that there are
for real ass dinosaurs running around. Who cares that they don't have
feathers. Feathers on dinosaurs are whack so stop fucking with my
childhood! The brontosaurus is real to me, damn it! Anyhoot, some
assclown decides to steal some samples and turns off the security
measures so now you have to somehow not get turned into future
fertilizer.
Solution
I would say not to go here in the first
place but it's too late. You here. There is a massive goddamn T-Rex
running around serving looks. Raptors which became a cool thing all
of a sudden even though they were just chihuahuas on speed. All you
have to do is be quiet which means anyone that wheezes or is startled
easily is bait or a sacrifice for the greater good...meaning your
survival. And stay away from the kids. Yeah, kids are here. And they
are rambunctious and resourceful and will sell you out if given a
chance. Get away from them and lock yourself in a room until shit
settles down. Y2K this. Shit.
So You're In The Lost World
“A research team is sent to the
Jurassic Park Site B island to study the dinosaurs there while
another team approaches with another agenda.” Turns out there is
another goddamn island where the dinosaurs are allowed to just live
and bang and make more dinosaurs unsupervised. There is also a group
of guys there to steal some dinosaurs and bring them back to San
Diego for a zoo because people love seeing wild things in captivity.
Why are you there? You wanna see if you can help keep extinct killing
machines alive longer.
Solution
Stay your ass at home! Okay. Fine. You
here already. You do not have an impressive team and the mercenaries
are made up of cannon fodder so make sure to use them as
distractions. Who is the little Black girl? Don't worry about it. She is athletic which is really rare for Black people so use her to
attract dinosaurs while you make your escape. And stay away from the
dude with the knee high socks. He is obviously unprepared for this
level of anarchy. Find out who has the biggest gun and steal it.
After that you can find a wounded dinosaur, save it from attack, and
it'll become your friend because that is how nature works. I've seen
it online. It works. If you save an animal it'll never attack you.
And that family that found this place on accident? Take whatever mode
of transportation they used and get the fuck outta there with your
new friend Stegosaurus named Pooter.
So You're At Jurassic Park...Again
“A decidedly odd couple with ulterior
motives convince Dr. Grant to go to Isla Sorna, resulting in an
unexpected landing, and unexpected new inhabitants on the island.”
You just chilling at home minding your business when this couple
tells you they wanna see the dinosaur infested island from a plane.
They lie like a rug. Turns out that their son is on the dinosaur
island and missing. You should tell them to go to hell/call the
police but for whatever reason you are feeling heroic. A dinosaur
knocks the plane out of the sky and now you have to deal with these
bickering assholes and a brand new dinosaur because the previous ones
weren't deadly enough.
Solution
After you run out of oxygen from
yelling at these two idiots you run away from them as fast as
possible. You might feel bad letting that kids parents become future
poo but you'll get over it eventually. Oh, I forgot to mention that a
new dinosaur called a Spinosaurus is here. Yeah. Shit just got real.
Remember that T-Rex that was so bad ass before? This kills that.
Breaks his crazy neck. Stay away from that thing because for some
reason the stranger a dinosaur looks the more dangerous it is. It's
like Rick James...with a knife. Go back home while seeing that flying
dinosaurs are heading to the mainland because sharing is caring.
So You're At Jurassic World
“A new theme park, built on the
original site of Jurassic Park, creates a genetically modified hybrid
dinosaur, which escapes containment and goes on a killing spree.”
So after everything that has transpired what with all the attacks and
death caused by dinosaurs the next logical step is to open up a theme
park for the public. I'm sure that absolutely nothing could go wrong
so let's head there. We can get t-shirts, drinks, and even watch
shows where smaller dinosaurs are killed by larger ones! Everything
is fine until the animals shockingly get free and start killing
visitors to the park.
Solution
If your name isn't Chris Pratt and you
do not have the ability to control raptors with your ruggedly good
looks you should probably try to leave this place as fast as you can.
Oh, I forgot to mention. They created another new dinosaur. You're
gonna love it. It has the abilities and was bred from T-Rex,
velociraptor, carnotaurus, giganotosaurus, majungasaurus, rugops, and
therizinosaurus, cuttlefish, tree frogs, and a pit viper snake fixings. It
can open cages and get this...turn invisible. Why? Science!!! The
best case scenario for this terrible ass adventure is to make it home
with most of your body parts attached and suing the fuck out of this
place. Unless you have to sign waivers beforehand in which case
you're boned. Should have went to Arby's. There's a 43% less chance
of dying there.
Click here for previous Dante Saves
You.
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