Monday, November 23, 2009

Celebrity Spank Bank 2

Oh, I’m a terrible person. Last time I did my spank bank article I totally left some women out. Now in all fairness, I broke it down into races and stuff and some ladies were gonna get left off. This is my chance to make up for that. And I shall in true perverse fashion by presenting my Celebrity Spank Bank Part 2!


Fairuza Balk
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This chick is crazy looking but very hot to me. When she was little she played Dorothy in “Return To Oz.” The last films I saw her in were “The Waterboy” with Adam Sandler and “The Craft.” She was in “American History X” but I haven’t seen that. What makes her hot? Her lips.


Rachel True
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It is with a heavy heart that I have to admit that not only have I met (seen) her in person but she was not hot at all. She looked so damned different in person. She wasn’t even cute. I place her here because she was hot in “The Craft” and “Half Baked.” Such a shame really.


Shannyn Sossamon
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I first saw Shannyn in “Rules Of Attraction” and thought she was hot in such a strange way. She doesn’t have a body I like totally or a style. But there is something about her that just makes me really like her. Her voice is cool. Yeah, that’s it. I like her voice. Insert sarcastic laughter.


Alicia Keys
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Do I really need to explain? Can you not see the picture?!


Britney Spears (old)
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Just like the Old Lindsey Lohan, I had to be specific and use the term old for this one. Britney is not the hotness now. This picture is hot and shows when she had a cute rump. Now? Not so much. I believe this picture was taken pre-crazy. Everything is better when its pre-crazy.


Cameron Diaz
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Yeah, she is hot. Funny as well. She looked her best in “The Mask” where she was about 20lbs. heavier but she is still hot. Some people are annoyed by her. I call those people jealous. So there.


Drew Barrymore
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Damn her. Sometimes she is so cute you want to put her in your pocket and others you’re like “What happened?!” And this happens weekly! Sometimes she is hot and sometimes she scares me. I still like her and will add her to this list because more often than not she is cute.


Gina Carano
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She is a mixed martial artist and will beat your ass. She was on American Gladiators for a while (not sure if that show is still on the air or not). Check her out sometime. You will be impressed.


Janet Jackson
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Been hot for decades. Just saw her on the AMA’s and wasn’t all that happy but still, when she needs to bring that sexiness back she will. Never sleep on Janet. She will hurt you.


Leila Ali
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Had a crush on her for friggin’ years! Like Carano, she could beat your ass and take your money while looking good the entire damn time. Man, she is hot. Leave me alone.


Zoe Isabella Kravitz
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Sound familiar? It’s Lisa Bonet’s daughter! She grew up hot and apparently is talented. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know that she is silly ass cute and it makes me smile. Her mama's hot too.


Jennifer Lopez
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Hey, remember when every woman wanted to look like her? Not so much anymore. She fell on her ass last night at the AMA’s (not much of an ass anymore) but still looked kinda hot. I found an old picture of her but wont call her Old Jennifer Lopez because she hasn’t done anything crazy. Besides marry Marc Anthony. And date Diddy. Yeah, that was a bad idea, huh?


Anna Paquin
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She has gotten hotter the older she gets. If you watch “Trueblood” you can see her do a batter southern accent better than the one she did in “X Men” and be in better shape. Guess when she played Rogue she didn’t give a damn.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK! Here's the part of the show where I pass judgement on your choices! Let the in-fighting begin!

_Fairuza Balk-FTW! This girl is WAY cute and it's sad to think that she's had less memorable roles than I have fingers.

_Rachel True-SO CUTE! She so stunned me with her cuteness that I was ashamed with Thurgood in Half Baked when he lied to her. (Yes, I am a loser.)

_Shannyn Sossamon-Oh my, oh my! Upon seeing her in Wristcutters, I was sold. She is downright sexy in most scenes. It's that stoic, European kinda sexy that makes you cock your head to the side.

_Alicia Keys-FAIL! You didn't think our conflicting tastes could actually go 4 for 4 did you? I think Keys is QUITE overrated and you know as well as I do that you and I have disagreed on the thigh issue since the beginning of time. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

Britney Spears-To be honest, I was never struck by her. She was cute, don't get me wrong, but never jaw-dropping at all. I never could figure out the wild allure.

Cameron Diaz-Yes, she is very much a funny, beautiful, talented, (NOT 20 pounds underweight, just right :) ) actress.

Drew Barrymore-NO! While she does have the ability to occassionally look good and pull a cute witticism, and while she DID produce Donnie Darko, I still can't bring myself to admitting her cuteness.

Gina Carrino-Didn't know who this was before, and am now worried for my safety. I enjoy strong, powerful women as much as any comic-book nerd, but, like Beth Phoenix, this girl is just TOO ripply. If my arms can't reach around your waist to give you a hug, I don't want to date you.

Janet Jackson-USED to be gorgeous. Then got fat. Haven't seen her in awhile, but still, like Madonna, I'm not so hip to Janet in her late 40's.

Leila Ali-DEFINITELY attractive, but, (and this is solely gauging from the pic as I've never seen her before) I'm guessing she's too thick for me.

Zoe Kravitz-Cute.

J. Lo-NO, NO, NONONONONONONO. Arrogant, conceited, narcissitic, overrated, jealous, back-biting, hypocritical, too plump, and overrated (I say it twice for emphasis.) South Park had it right with their parody.

Anna Paquin-While she is cute, I watch and LOVE True Blood and still feel that she is the weakest link. So many episodes center around her that I wish simply wouldn't because of her sub-par abilities.

I'm gonna go rate your first page now, as I read this one first. Judging your personal preferences is fun!

Dante said...

Fairuza Balk - She has been hot since I was little. I knew you would lik her. You hate women that weigh more than 60lbs.

Rachel True - But like I said, not hot in person. Very not hot.

Shannyn Sossamon - Again, I knew you would like this choice.

Alicia Keys - You suck, dude. She is way past hot. How do we even talk to each other with our different choices?!

Britney Spears - It took me years to even admit she was kinda attractive her music was so bad.

Cameron Diaz - Your vote is not shocking. She's bony.

Drew Barrymore - Come on, dude!

Gina Carano - Dude, you have to see her in action. She is just so cute!

Janet JacksonUsed to be cute? How dare you, sir?!

Leila Ali - SHe's too thick for you? Life is too thick for you!

Zoe Kravitz - I thik you only like women who yo feel you can outwrestle if you had to.

J. Lo - You're not a fan of booty. Plain and simple.

Anna Paquin - Dude, she is the star of the show. Of course she is gonna be al over it.

After careful study I have come to the conclusion that you are a madman and ill never have to worry about you stealing my women.