Up in Alaska a hiker got mauled by a grizzly bear. That's not really news. It would be news if the story said that a guy was not mauled by a grizzly bear. If cartoons have taught me anything growing up it is that bears are assholes. They are what dogs would be if you left them in the wild for a few days. Right? Maybe I'm getting my evolutions mixed up. Either way bears are assholes. Just “big for no good reason” as my Grandmama used to say. Like that kid in school that was 11 but looked 23 that got called Baby Huey.
Now I know there are people that say things like “The bears were here first and we're on their land!” Hey, that shit didn't work with Native Americans and it sure as hell isn't gonna work with natures bouncer, the bear.
The report says that dude was taking pictures of the bear for at least eight minutes before shit got real. That's a lot of damned time to be dancing on a mine field. They checked his camera and none of the shots showed the bear acting like it wanted a Manwich. If we're not safe from taking unwanted pictures of humans, how is it safe in nature?
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| Pictured: the wild Alabama Brit-Brit. |
Rangers found the bear sitting on what was left of the hiker, whatever that means, and a state trooper ended up shooting it dead. They say this is the first mauling at this park in, like, a century which I find hard to believe. Its not like there is one bear there. I'm guessing there's about two hundred just sitting on dead folks.
Apparently all backpackers get what is called “mandatory awareness training” that teaches people to stay at least a quarter of a mile away from bears and if you do see one to slowly back away. And by slowly I'll assume they mean run like you're on fire. The dead hiker had this training. Guess he didn't back away slowly fast enough.
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| Or know that they can do this unfair bullshit. |
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4 comments:
How do you stay at least quarter a mile away from a bear? It's not like they flag where they are. 'Ooo thanks to my mandatory awareness training, my bear-sense is tingling!'.
I remember reading about how there are almost no unprovoked documented attacks on humans by bears. I did not find this reassuring. It probably just means that bears are really good at covering their tracks.
And Bill Bryson tells an instructive story in his account of walking the Appalachians about how some campers saw a bear approaching them, and decided to get a cute photo of the bear licking their child's fingers. They put honey on their kid's hand and held it out to the bear. Who bit the child's hand off. Sheesh. Humans.
And we all know that the only thing better than a child to a bear is a honey dipped child. There seriously needs to be parenting licenses.
I'm hoping the story is an urban...rural...myth. It's all too believable though. Also, is it just me or does honey-dipped child sound kinda good? Don't judge me.
Honey dipped child sounds like a new brand of snack on a cannibalistic island. "You try those new honey dipped child chips? They're delicious!" And My Bear Sense Is Tingling is my new band name.
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