Nature is a sneaky bastard. There are
always new animals found that freak me out because it turns out that
these things are still evolving and being made right now. Then there
are the ones that have been walking around all this time just waiting
for me to somehow stumble across them. That's not fair to anyone. I
recently was made aware of one horrifying creature by H. and this
lead to me finding a bunch of other strange ass creatures. Some are
small, some are large, all are horrible.
Just like penises.
Fossa
“The fossa is the largest mammalian
carnivore on the island of Madagascar and has been compared to a
small cougar. Adults have a head-body length of 28–31 inches and
weigh between 12–19 lb, with the males larger than the females. It
has semi-retractable claws and flexible ankles that allow it to climb
up and down trees head-first, and also support jumping from tree to
tree. The fossa is unique within its family for the shape of its
genitalia, which share traits with those of cats and hyenas.”
What are you supposed to be, you cougar
weasel? If I saw this in the woods I'd at first think it was a kitty
cat that's been lost for a while and went feral or a baby cougar.
Either way its no bueno for me. Those bonkers ankles make me nervous
but not as nervous as its weird penis. In case you get curious, don't
look up its genitals. Cats and hyenas have jacked up wangs. If people
had them we'd never have sex. Women would be like “The fuck you're
having sex with me!” If you're ever in Madagascar don't try and pet
this nonsense. Its penis is stupid.
Glaucus Atlanticus
“At maturity Glaucus atlanticus can
be up to 1.2 inches in length. It is silvery gray on its dorsal side
and dark and pale blue ventrally. It has dark blue stripes on its
head. It has a tapering body which is flattened, and has six
appendages.”
I don't know about you but I want to
throw a Pokeball at this. It doesn't look real. Being less than 2
inches I'm not too scared of it. But you know what else is less than
2 inches? AIDS!!! I'm not gonna let myself get lulled into a false
sense of security just 'cause its so tiny. There are pictures of
people holding it in the palm of their hands. Nope! That is a movie
moment waiting to happen. You pick it up to show your kids, look away
for a moment, and now your hand is empty. Did it fall back into the
water? Or is it in your body multiplying?!
Maned Wolf
“Unlike other large canids the maned
wolf does not form packs. It hunts alone, usually between sundown and
midnight. It kills its prey by biting on the neck or back, and
shaking it violently if necessary. Monogamous pairs may defend a
shared territory of about 12 square miles, though the individuals
themselves may seldom meet, outside of mating.”
Look at this freakshow! Hahaha! See, I
can laugh because I am safely away from nature's version of
Photoshop. “Hey, deer wolf!” I shout. But in reality if this came
close to me I'd throw rocks at it and run. I love that they stay by
themselves unless its time to get their bang on. And what is with
this “shaking it violently if necessary”? As a creature that has
no thumbs and walks around on its tippy toes like it has no choice
but to shake things violently with its stupid wolf face.
Patagonian Mara
“Being monogamous, pairs of maras
stay together for life with replacement of partners only occurring
after its death. The male has almost the sole responsibility in
maintaining the pair by following the female wherever she goes. A
male will mark his female with urine and mark the ground around her
with secretions from his glands and with feces, making the grounds
around the female a mobile territory.”
That whole last sentence is why I'm
single. Turns out human females don't like it when you piss and shit
all around them to let others know they belong to you. Well, most
human females. There are some chicks that are into that. These things
are more loyal than human mates. These things stay together until one
of them dies! Humans break up because one of them runs out of money.
These are like “My husband animal had his stomach ripped open by a
monster the other day. Guess its time to find someone else...”
Shoebill
“While hunting, the Shoebill strides
very slowly and is frequently motionless. Unlike some other large
waders, this species hunts entirely using vision and is not known to
engage in tactile hunting. When prey is spotted, it launches a quick,
violent strike. However, depending on the size of the prey, handling
time after the strike can exceed 10 minutes. Around 60% of strikes
are successful in yielding prey.”
If you ever wanted to find out just how
fast I can run put this thing anywhere near me. Look at this fucking
thing. It looks like something you'd fight at the end of a video
game. I bet it eats souls. It just has that look. As for “handling
time” as they put it after it goes for a killing blow, they mean
that you are just laying there waiting to die wondering why you let
your family trick you into this vacation.
Tufted Deer
“This is a timid animal and prefer
places with good cover, where it is well camouflaged. It is easily
disturbed and when alarmed it will let out a bark before running away
in a wild pattern, displaying its white rump with every jump and
flops down after, making it difficult for the enemy to follow.”
Its escaping technique sounds like a
chick I used to know. Shut up, you know that's funny. This looks like
a deer that was made fun of as a child. Look at them chompers! This
is the deer that made fun of Bambi because his mother died. If I saw
this in the wild I would think that someone was pulling a prank on
me. There's no reason for a deer to have teeth like this. I bet it
has a lisp.
Mantis Shrimp
“Because they strike so rapidly, they
generate cavitation bubbles between the appendage and the striking
surface. The collapse of these cavitation bubbles produces measurable
forces on their prey in addition to the instantaneous forces of 1,500
newtons that are caused by the impact of the appendage against the
striking surface, which means that the prey is hit twice by a single
strike; first by the claw and then by the collapsing cavitation
bubbles that immediately follow. Even if the initial strike misses
the prey, the resulting shock wave can be enough to stun or kill the
prey.”
I have seen video footage of this crazy
little bastard. Its like natures version of Guile from Street Fighter
2. The way this thing attacks you is, it clicks its claw together so
fast that its like being hit with a bomb. The last thought you'd have
is “It burns so much!” as this sumbitch let loose the power of
the sun just by snapping its fingers. This makes me uncomfortable.
I'm moving on.
Pacu Fish
“Pacu have square, straighter teeth,
like a human, and a less severe under bite, or a slight overbite.
Additionally, full-grown pacu are much larger than piranha, reaching
up to 3 feet and 55 pounds in the wild.”
You can go straight to hell with this
nonsense! Science is telling people that it doesn't attack men's
dicks because everyone heard that that was a thing it did. Do you
really want to chance that? This is the cousin of the piranha but
instead of having a row of razor sharp teeth it has big ass human
sized ones that possibly could bite a dick off. If I saw this the
amount of expletives and human waste I dispensed would kill any
living thing within one mile of my physical location.
Penis Snake
“...?!?!”
No way. Not never. Why is this a thing
that exists? Why?! I want answers and these answers better sooth my
troubled soul. The fucked up thing, amongst many, is that even
science sounds confused by it. Their answers sound like a parent
trying to explain how Santa fits down a chimney. Lots of uh's, er's,
and hmm's. It has no lungs. “It, uh, breathes through its body.”
It has no eyes. “Er, well you see, uh...” No! I need facts! One
fact that I do know is that this thing is creepy with a capital K.
There's no reason for this to wander this Erf.
Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.
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