Landlord Gets Schwifty In Tenants Apartment

This Colorado landlord named Carlos Quijada just may be one of the nastiest ass people to ever nasty. He is being charged with criminal trespassing and misdemeanor obscenity after he was recorded having sex in one of his tenants places. The couple that lives there, Logan Pierce and Mikaela DiGiulio, were obviously not there at the time that he decided to use their bed as his filthy fuck pallet. The couple has a security system set up from a company called Nest that had the motion sensor triggered and notified Logan by phone. When he later checked the camera feeds he was treated to some straight up gay porn in the form of Carlos and another man having oral and butt sex in the span of six minutes. But it gets worse. I have no problem with gay sex. Do who ya like (insert Humpty Hump horns) but please not on someone elses bed. That shit is just foul. But it gets worse.

Carlos man-friend grabbed a dress from the laundry pile to wipe his dick clean while Carlos grabbed another item of clothing to clean up the lube stain left on the bed. Such class. Much consideration. Oh, by the way, the dress used to clean up was worn by the wife in their wedding ceremony earlier this year. There is not enough Clorox in the world to get that bed clean! I would have to contact a goddamn witch doctor to sleep comfortably in that place ever again. Having the sex in a tenants bed is terrible. But cleaning yourself off on their clothes? Come on, now. Just...no. 

Kids These Days 65

This shit is getting out of control. I know that everyone wants kids safe but we've now reached a point where safety has not only overwritten letting kids be kids, its gone past letting them even have fun. At Southeast Elementary in Brighton, Colorado and kindergartener was suspended for bringing a bubble gun to school. I somehow made it through multiple fights, being a nuisance, and arguing hitting a kid in the head with a metal canister without being suspended. But this kid now has that going for her because she brought a goddamn bubble gun to school! I doubt it was as fancy as the one I have pictured. 

In an interview the child's mother said “I apologized right away and said that I am so sorry she did that. I appreciate that they're trying to keep our kids safe, I really do. But there needs to be some common sense. It blows bubbles.” She said she didn't know that her daughter brought the toy to school. I remember a kid brought a snake to school unannounced. It was awesome. The school released a statement saying:

Limbless Suspect And Ambulance Theft

Fucking Florida, man. I just don't even know anymore. 30 year old Sean Petrozzino has been on the run from police who want to question him about a double murder. Yes. Murder most foul! It is reported that he moved back into his parents home after separating from his wife due to some financial issues. The last time he was seen is in this surveillance photo getting cash from an ATM. Police say he is a “person of interest” which is code for “Time for a new identity!” 

You may notice that he ain't got no hands. He also has no legs. He got bacterial meningitis years ago and that shit was a wrap. Police found the bodies of his parents after his mother who is a teacher didn't show up for work. This guy has been on the run ever since. There is a joke there that I refuse to make. Police also say that he is armed with a gun. I shit you not, I am not making this stuff up! I am amazed that he has been able to stay out of custody so far. He can't be hard to miss. 

In other crazy ass news involving guys an 18 year old named Stefan Sortland of Colorado was arrested after stealing an ambulance. While treating an intoxicated student suffering from seizures the EMT's come outside and wouldn't you know it, their ambulance was gone. Could you imagine being on a stretcher and being wheeled outside and the damned ride was missing?

Old Lady Likes Her Quiet

It's hard enough having to take music in school what with everyone calling you a nerd and such. It stinks when you have to take your instrument home. It stinks even more when someone aims a gun at your ass for practicing. 60 year old Cheryl Ann Pifer of Clifton, Colorado pointed her rifle at an 11 year old boy and some other kids in a backyard because she didn't like his clarinet playing. The kid told Pifer that he couldn't play it inside his grandma's house because a baby was sleeping. Pifer didn't want to hear that shit so she shouted “Fire in the hole!” and aimed her gun at them. She faces child abuse and felony menacing charges. Look at this woman. Do you think she gives a damn about those charges? She was released on $5,000 surety. Had to look up what that even was. I bet you that this is not the first time Pifer has pulled something like this. When you get around her age you start to get a little more racist, shoplifting, and hording. You don't start waving guns around at kids. Or maybe you do. Check on me in 25 years.

Idiot Gets Pole In Ass

Good! That was the first thing I thought when I first heard this story. Mother In Colorado named Christina Jahnz ended up with a giant pole stuck in her thigh and ass after texting while driving. She had just dropped her daughter off at school and noticed that she had forgotten her saxophone. She used the voice to text to contact her daughter and wanted to check if the text was alright which kinda defeats the purpose of talking to text. “I looked down to make sure it was all right. The next thing I knew, I was looking up, there was white powder from the air bags deployed.” Isn't that crazy? You look away from the road and suddenly bad things happen? She ended up getting a shit ton of stitches and they had to saw the pole to get her out of her car after hitting the guard rail. They say if the pole was a few inches in any other direction her ass would have been dead...over a text. I know there are people that text while driving all the time and get away with it. There are also people who cross without looking that don't get hit by cars until someone does. Don't get hurt or die doing stupid shit. Imagine how the daughter would have felt knowing her mom died over a forgotten saxophone. Jackass.