Dante Bitches About Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive 2014

Most times when I bitched about magazines ranking one particular woman over another it is with outrage. I get mad whenever Rihanna is number one on any list. This time Esquire came out where their Sexiest Woman Alive 2014 and my reaction what more of “...what?” rather than “What?!” The winner, if you want to call her that, is Penelope Cruz.

And I don't get it.

Of course everyone has their own definition of what is sexy and what makes someone sexy. Cruz isn't sexy to me at all. She never has been. I've seen quite a few of her movies and not once did I ever think “Wow, this is a sexy woman.” I never even thought that she was all that talented. Apparently there are a shit ton of people that disagree with me.

I read the interview with her and it is all about bullfighting. Not her watching it. Not her doing it. Not her taking about it. But the writer of the article needed to fill space so he wrote more about bullfighting and what Cruz ate more than anything.

Dante Doesn't Bitch About Esquire Magazine

Scarlett Johansson is a gift. For years she has been around and not once have I ever looked at her and thought she was anything less than a present for humanity for all our years of sacrifice. Even when she was dating stinking old Ryan Reynolds I still couldn't get mad at her. Once again she has been named Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive and again I cant disagree. This isn't like that time they made that stank ass Rihanna the sexiest one which made sense on absolutely no level. No. This time they got it right!

So right...

Last year Mila Kunis won and while she is still cute I wouldn't call her the sexiest woman alive. Especially now that she has that Macaulay Culkin (who she dated for nine years!) and Ashton Kutcher stank on her. For anyone that thinks that is immature allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi. My name is Dante and I love red draws on women. Mila will always look like a young girl even when she is 40. But Scarlett gets more womanly (surprisingly that is an actual word!). That leads me to another thing. Bodies.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Magazine

Every year Esquire Magazine puts out a list and they name who is the Sexiest Woman In The World. Now, knowing how all over the place my tastes in women are, there's always gonna be some sort of disagreement I have with the winner. They haven't come out with the 2012 winner yet and I have already chosen who should win it. I'll get to that later. First I want to show who has won since 2004. Why not earlier? Because it didn't exist. Women didn't get sexy until 2002 and it took us another full year to stop boning you all on sight and focus on making lists judging you for your physical appearances.

Angelina Jolie 2004

This was back in the day when Jolie was just the hottest thing since the iron that Penny's mama used to burn her on Good Times. I got into her from the movie Hackers and suddenly she was everywhere and being weird and doing stuff that men think is hot but if their ladies tried it would run screaming or cheat on her with a girl that doesn't want to walk around with a vial of his blood. This version of Angelina makes my pants tight. The current version makes me want to rub bacon on her lips while she is sleeping Terri Schiavo style. I have no problem with this choice.