Dante Bitches About Esquire Magazine

Every year Esquire Magazine puts out a list and they name who is the Sexiest Woman In The World. Now, knowing how all over the place my tastes in women are, there's always gonna be some sort of disagreement I have with the winner. They haven't come out with the 2012 winner yet and I have already chosen who should win it. I'll get to that later. First I want to show who has won since 2004. Why not earlier? Because it didn't exist. Women didn't get sexy until 2002 and it took us another full year to stop boning you all on sight and focus on making lists judging you for your physical appearances.

Angelina Jolie 2004

This was back in the day when Jolie was just the hottest thing since the iron that Penny's mama used to burn her on Good Times. I got into her from the movie Hackers and suddenly she was everywhere and being weird and doing stuff that men think is hot but if their ladies tried it would run screaming or cheat on her with a girl that doesn't want to walk around with a vial of his blood. This version of Angelina makes my pants tight. The current version makes me want to rub bacon on her lips while she is sleeping Terri Schiavo style. I have no problem with this choice.

Jessica Biel 2005

I first noticed how hot she was when she did a photo shoot for Gear magazine back in the day after she left that churchy ass series she used to be on. Then she started doing movies and her booty started getting bigger and her face womaned up. I am just making up words left and right. Some people think her shoulders are too large. I call those people quitters since they think they will never have a shot at her. I'm terribly delusional so I won't give up hope. This is a good choice.

Scarlett Johansson 2006

“Dante, you didn't even use a picture of her face!” Shut up. You know how many blogs I have dedicated to this woman? And, this is from the actual photo gallery. Its not like I went trolling on the internets for an image of her ass...today. This chick has been hot for a long ass time and making her number one on any list will never upset me ever.

Charlize Theron 2007

Boing! I will use any excuse to put her on a list and am glad this magazine thought that she was number one because she is. She is also the first African to be voted number one. “What?! Are you blind, Dante?! She isn't African, you blind man you!” She's from South Africa so suck it. Yes, that still counts as Africa, don't be racist. Charlize was a good choice for 2007. With her fine African ass.

Halle Berry 2008

Though she is nuttier than a pile of squirrel turds, Halle manages to stay hot no matter what. I took a time machine into the year 2119 and she was still hot. Nevermind how she managed to live that long. She was still hot. I've mentioned before that I saw her in person once and I'll say it again. I saw her in person once. Uncomfortably beautiful.

Kate Beckinsale 2009

Okay, we started off with dessert and now we're moving on to the broccoli and cheese. There is no year where this woman should be number one. Its not like every other woman died and she got this by default. Its not that she's ugly or anything. She's just...woman. How can I explain this? Uh, she is not unattractive. I just would not add her to any list of attractive women I could think of. Hell, I'd do retroactive mastabatory thoughts and think of dead women before I got to Beckinsale. Wow. That sounded wrong. Dead women like Bettie Page. Oh, this hole just keeps getting deeper, doesn't it?

Minka Kelly 2010

The shit is this fuck? She's been in nothing you have seen. She looks creepy in the pictures I found. There is no way in the blue hell this child should've been voted the sexiest woman alive. None. At least with Beckinsale I know her from shit. This girl? Nothing.

Rihanna 2011

Oh, get the fuck out of here with this nonsense. What do you know this girl from? Getting punched by Chris Brown and having a voice that sounds like a cross between cats mating and a pigeon stuck in a ceiling fan. Seriously. I know you think I'm being mean so I'll give you a moment to go on Youtube and check out a live performance of hers. I'll wait. You back? Yeah. Now, if we're not going based on skill let's go on looks. This girl, if she one day popped up on the news and said she was a Martian I wouldn't be shocked at all. Fuck 2011 if this was the sexiest woman that year.

Now, I have decided to suggest some women who may be used as the sexiest woman for 2012. Yes, I am aware that it is only just past the middle of the year but whatever. I saw Christmas lights on Santa Monica Blvd. and Halloween decorations last month.

Destinee Hooker

This chick plays volleyball, is six foot four, and is pretty. She sure as hell has more talent than a few of the previous winners of this title. At the age of 24 she is a bit too young for my blood, but come on. Put this chick in at least the top five or something.

Ronda Rousey

Oh, my sweet lord. I first saw this chick when they posted her cover from ESPN magazine and was like “Who the fuck is this?!” She is 6-0 in her career and talks mad shit about her opponents. I forgot to mention that she is a mixed martial artist and can beat the shit out of folks. She is also an Olympian. I would’ve had Gina Carano here but she decided to start making bad films no one wants to see.

But that won't stop me from posting a picture!