Let's pretend for a minute that you have no idea who I am. You look at me and go “Oh, my god! That is one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen in my life! No other man can compare to him!” And you'd be telling the truth because no other man is like me. I'm a superhero. Not just any superhero, but the only one.
I'm Johnny Panic.
But you knew that already. You're pretending that you don't. Let me give you a little back story on me. I found out I could fly when I was a kid after some idiot brought an eagle to school for us to look at and it broke free, I panicked, and flew. Later I found out I was stutardedly strong. That's a word me and my lady Ronica came up with. Yes, I have a girl. She used to run my fan page and helped me out years ago when the president tried to frame me for a plane explosion. She's hot. I got her pregnant, too.
My baby is better than yours.
I'm getting ahead of myself. This isn't about my life story which you can purchase in audio book with a movie coming soon. This is about three idiots that are ruining my trip to Los Angeles by taking hostages at a bank. I normally don't handle small things like this but they asked for me specifically. I usually fight bigger things like meteors heading towards us, super AIDS, and giraffes. I fucking hate those things. They just creep me out. With their long necks and black tongues. Ugh. Just...ugh.
